It’s been lonely since you left. Everyone goes back to someone at the end of the day, their boyfriend, their best friend, their family… someone who makes up their home and I can’t help but feel hollow… because you were mine.

Dipabali...

Moner moddhe ondhokaar hole
baire baati jele ki hobe?

Tissue papers and bills
scribbled on in black ink
a silver ring
a red necklace
a pair of silver anklets
thats all that remains

I try not to look at them
they remind me of your absence

I clutch onto them
They fill a fraction of that gaping hole in me
that used to be you

I eat
because I promised you
I would

The effort of downing every morsel
drains me

I stand over the toilet bowl
coughing
nauseous
dizzy

I gulp down the tears
becuase I promised you
I wouldnt cry
And I cant cry much on my own anyway

A few sounds escape though
and worry my mother
I give her stupid excuses
She pretends to believe me
or maybe she does believe me
I am a good actress

over-reacting... Am I?
Being a Drama Queen?
Showing my pain too much?

I dont care really
I cant be a hypocrite and smile
while I'm dying inside

You said you wanted me to heal
you said you wanted me to be happy
you said I deserved better

Is this what I deserve?
Is this happiness according to you?
Is waking up wishing I was dead
or
feeling that hole in me grow
a little bit more each day
while the rough edges bleed
called healing?

Nisshash phelatake beche thaaka bole na
eta amar cheye beshi tui bujhish

Signs I should have noticed... but didn't! 0_0

* Writing 'Insomnia and Anxiety'
* The excessive anxiety
* The piece that Piu and I did for Friday's class
* The misplaced episode from True blood season 3 where Bill tells Sookie that he loves her but they cant be together for her own sake, and then Sookie cries her heart out on the hospital bed and Bill leaves.

I guess Life often tries to warn you about what is to come. It has warned me all the time, because this has happened to me before. But I, as always, pushed my fears down, hoping it would mean nothing, but it does, each and every time.

Splitting headache induced poetry

I can distract myself the entire day
but where will I run to at night?
The thousand invisible hands tearing at my soul catch up
and I am left gasping for breath

I am drowning in a sea of pain
it looks for inlets and rushes in
my head feels dizzy
my eyes hurt
my heart hurts
the liquid pain has filled my insides
clogged my systems

I cant stand it
but I dont want to get rid of it
just a little strength and patience to bear with it
because the pain is the only reminder
that 'we' existed
and without it
I would have nothing to hold on to
and I dont want to drown in that black nothingness
again

P.S... An earlier post titled Insomnia and Anxiety makes more sense now. Heck! How intuitive am I? 0_0

I miss having a family. Those long summer vacations filled with cousins, laughter, weddings, wild Calcutta trips, Rasna and board games....hhhmmmm

Insomnia and Anxiety

The same meaningless fear every night
dreading the end of something that had never begun
the clock ticks away
and I shut my eyes
put fingers in my ears
to not see or hear its passage.

I build a glass palace
knowing well it will shatter
or has it shattered already?

I can hear voices inside my head
facts that have turned into monsters
from neglect
from suppression
they squeeze my innards
climb the walls of my inside
threatening to come gushing out of my mouth
eyes
ears
every pore of my body
and tear me to pieces

The imperfect outer shell
nests a demented mind
and a cracked heart
that yearns for pain
and love

Its you
and its me too
and yet I'm hoping
that two halves will somehow
make a whole.

The faces all around me they don't smile they just crack
Waiting for our ship to come but our ships not coming back
We do our time like pennies in a jar
What are we saving for

There's a smell of stale fear that's reeking from our skins.
The drinking never stops because the drinks absolve our sins
We sit and grow our roots into the floor
But what are we waiting for?


So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breathe
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

Something's always coming you can hear it in the ground
It swells into the air
With the rising
Rising sound
And never comes but shakes the boards and rattles all the doors
What are we waiting for


I am hiding from some beast
But the beast was always here
Watching without eyes
Because the beast is just my fear
That I am just nothing
Now its just what I've become
What am I waiting for
Its already done

Oh

Afternoons....

aamar rod bhaalo lagena, amar ghore bichanar paashe dewalta puro kaacher janla, kintu aami kono din porda shoraina. Oshojjo laage rod amar! Otocho onno karor ghore boshe aar ek kaacher dewal bhed kore jokhon rod gaae eshe porlo tokhon besh bhaalo lagchilo.Mone hocchilo jeno onek din pore moner haarano shatituku khuje peyechi. Kono shobdo na, kono kotha na, ghorer aar ek kone ekta chele boshe saralipite kaaj korche, aar janlar paashe bichanae aami boshe aachi, baere theke maajhe maajhe haashi, kotha aar sur shona jaache, kintu aami tokhun aar shekhani chilam koi? aami onek din pore ektu shanti khuje peyechilum, aamar mon baerer aakashe megher saathe lukochuri khelchilo. ektu pore aaro lok elo, keu neeche boshe kaaj korche, aar keu amar paashe boshe guitar bajacche, bhaloi toh chilo... shesh keno holo? nijer baari theke dure onno karor ghore boshe khanek khuner jonyo mone hoechilo prithibita hoeto ekhuni dhyongsho hobena... kintu aar mone hocche na. Amar bhoy kore. khub bhoy kore. okarone bhoy kore. er ki kono upae nei?

Need to rant...

I cant write anymore... When I first discovered blogging, it used to be the one place I could come back to and vent, or write happy things. My journals never survive, I always throw them away, coz after a while they bug me, bug me to such an extent that they set off panic attacks whenever I see them( or maybe its just my supposed GAD)... but whatever... point is... when I discovered blog-spot, I was so happy! Coz here was this one place where I could let it all out! But that stopped. Eventually I just clogged up once again. There are nights when I cant breathe, I cant move, when I sit paralyzed, thinking that the world is coming to an end, and I write... I write in my mind... but somehow, I cant write on my blog. Its nothing unnatural really, for a person like me. I wouldn't call myself an introvert, I am what is described in Bengali as 'chaapa'... I guess the literal translation of that would mean 'held down'? I dunno if that makes sense... but that's how I feel. I don't easily vent when I'm upset... I ALMOST never vent actually, because everyone has problems of their own right? Why burden the world with mine as well? I'm good for the listening part... not the venting part. But believe it or not I wasn't always like this. There was a time when I could... I would vent... when I could and I did cry, but that was ages ago! Then one fine morning I got up, looked at myself in the mirror and said... enough of this, people will not call you weak anymore!
I am perfectly capable of taking these random decisions, more like my sub conscious self keeps going over it for a long time and then passes it onto my conscious self... and BOOM! I have taken a decision! The same goes for my ability to shut down in the face of severe depression... I'll take all the pain,all the humiliation, all the shit that you dole out to me, and then one fine day after I have drowned completely... I will shut down, and walk around like a zombie. So that's what happened... and then I became this person who keeps taking it... taking it... taking it... who holds all her rage, frustration and panic down until none of it makes sense anymore... until the reasons have been forgotten... and all that is left is blind anxiety and a lot of pain... which in turn causes uncalled for depression...

I feel like I'm drowning sometimes... ALL THE TIME! And I'm desperately trying to clutch onto things... people... memories(?)... but all the while... I'm sinking a little further in... its like being stuck in a bog...

I guess certain things are supposed to happen at certain times... and then they don't... and that emptiness... the fact that it didn't happen... leaves you scarred for life... changes you in ways you don't like... I don't know how may times I've said this, But I need to... AGAIN! and I kinda don't care if ur rolling your eyes at the computer screen right now! back in class 12... rather after class 12... I was supposed to go to UK... It was one of those things that HAD to happen... and then it didnt. I look back at myself then... that strong ambitious girl who was ready to jump into that big adventure! Who was already living in UK in her mind... Sure she was broken down... sure she was hurt... but she had that spirit in her... the one that stays intact no matter what... the one that drives you. She was so sure of what she wanted... she had firm decisions made. But then I didn't go... and that broke me... scarred me... damaged me in ways I cant explain... There will always be this vast gaping hole in my life... the hole that was supposed to be UK... and nothing is ever going to fill that up. And then there's me now... indecisive, unsure of what she wants... trying to tell herself to live life one step at a time! BECAUSE SHE BLOODY HELL CANT DECIDE WHAT SHE WANTS! SHE DOESN'T HAVE A PLAN ANYMORE!AND THAT SUCKS! COZ SHE ALWAYS HAD A PLAN! ALWAYS! SHE HAD HER ACADEMIC LIFE CHALKED OUT! AND SHE DOESN'T ANYMORE!

I knew what I wanted... Five years in UK... undergrad and masters... and then research... that was the only undecided part... whether I'd do the research in India or in the UK. Though I was more inclined on India...

But then that dream broke... and I landed in JUDE... I think I see why JUDE had to happen now... Minu coming back, that only happened coz we constantly came across each other in the university, otherwise as much as I always secretly hoped, on the outside, I had given up hope... Finding Rudrani... And I think JUDE is also very much responsible for making me realize that I'm not a classical literature person... AT ALL... and that my true calling is Asian Literature... I discovered theater in JUDE... maybe I would have abroad as well... but its just one of those things that JUDE made me realize I have in me... So a huge thank you to JUDE for all those things... But yeah... UK not happening had its after effects. Back then I had it all figured out... I knew which University I'd be attending... now... I don't even know which country I want... whether I want UK( pro:childhood dream, con: they're more of old English specialists)... or US( Pro:They might be better equipped for someone who wants to study something as unheard of as Asian Literature, college life with Rudrani, Con: As emotionally driven as I am, will I be able to overcome that mental image of always wanting to make it to UK?)... BIG QUESTION: Will mum even finance my college abroad? What if she doesn't? What if I get stuck here all over again and watch people leave... like I did before? That WILL call for a suicide attempt... I assure you.





anyway... enough of ranting... and to think I began this post by saying I cant write anymore!

I LIVE WITH A BUNCH OF MORONS WHO HAVE NO RESPECT FOR MY NEEDS OR WANTS OR NECESSITIES WHATSOEVER! AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Sometimes... all you need is a little time off... =)

The post that should never have been posted.

There are certain things that you just cant talk about. Some things you cant even write about in your blog. Some things you cant share with anyone else. Secrets, and the pain of these secrets, that must be borne alone. All you CAN do is beat about the bush on your blog hoping that this will provide some degree of relief from the constant feeling of nausea and the almost physical ache.

I had a secret that I didn't even want to repeat to myself, an epiphany which I should have never had, and the moment this realization struck me, I wrapped this information up in bubble wrap and stuffed it down deep within myself, so that nothing would harm it, but the constant screams echoing from it wouldn't reach my ears either. But today, when I was blackmailed into digging it out, unwrapping it and handing it over to the one person who should have never known, I figured it has actually been eating me away from the inside. I have hole in the pit of my stomach now... or at least that's what it feels like.

I tried... I tried to not think of it anymore, to wrap it back up and stuff it down that hole again. But my insides feel extremely scrambled right now, like someone took a wire hanger and made great sweeping motions with it, and now there is a storm raging within me, which wont subside that easily. I even tried exhausting myself so much that I'd not be able to listen to the howling inside, but that too didn't work.

So after dancing to like 5 songs and rehearsing 'shyamolo shundoro' for quite a long time, I finally decided to let some of it out, but the ironical part is, all this while I was pushing the tears back in, but now when I wanted to cry they wouldn't come. Happens with me all the time. Hence I am left utterly physically exhausted, to the point where I feel sick, and emitting weird animal noises.

Ideally this blog should never have been written, and come to think of it, it didn't help as much as I thought it would, but I didn't know what else to do. I'd love to rant to someone, cry to someone... but I cant. Not this time at least. Hence...

I messed up today... I should never have told you, but you blackmailed me very badly... even you would agree to that. But hey... I fulfilled your wish didn't I? =D
You very openly wanted this to happen. I am really tempted to quote what you always say! Heehee...

Well... enough of beating about the bush... I shall go vomit now... extremely nauseous... excuse me.

P.S. I will not entertain any questions on this matter. Go back and read first paragraph if you have a question.

And that was the second time I cried at a coffee shop in front of you! Crap man!

Just Ranting...

I am scared. I look at these long golu molu fingers with inch long nails painted red typing away on the keyboard, but I do not know who they belong to. The life force within me is on the verge of extinction. It feels like it has been cut up into several pieces like Voldemort's horcruxes, and I do not know where the others went, but this utterly diminished one that still lives on inside me hides in some dark corner and watches with amazement as this alien body works independently. Its quite simple really, you can create horcruxes by killing. For every kill a piece of you detaches itself from your body(not literally of course!). And what happened here was every time I was struck down a part of me died or detached itself from me and went away.

The anxiety attack hasn't stopped since the utter breakdown last night, it was just suppressed till I was busy, waiting just beneath the surface, dying to break through once the mind was free, and it did. And as I turned away with a very tough sounding 'okay bye', a pit opened up in my stomach and my hands shook.

When did this happen? when did I land up here? Nights have always been bad, due to the lack of sleep. But never this bad. The hours pass by listening to music that literally hurts the ears, and yet feels so soothing at the same time, or staring at the flame of the candle inside the pretty glass with white, round designs on it, or watching some horror/thriller movie or gossip girl episodes on the comp while my eyes burn from the smoke of the bleeding expensive extra mild smokes.

At least tonight I have the ability to write, the other nights don't even grant me that. there's just darkness, outside and inside, and an unnatural calm that nothing can shatter.

If you ask me for reasons I cant give you solid ones really, they're all rather vague. The most concrete one of them is thankfully coming to an end(I think), but it too has left a lot of scars that need to heal. Apart from that there's a lot of vicarious pain and a deep rooted fear of losing one of my pillars. And the constant reminder from my mother as to what a bad daughter I am and how she curses the day I was born.

Big deal, so I cant be the ideal daughter! GO DEAL WITH IT! But I refuse to resort to hypocrisy for achieving my ends, I'd rather be bluntly honest, thankyouverymuch!

So at the end of the day when I look at myself in the mirror I come across this failure looking back at me. One who lost out on an opportunity of a lifetime. And I dont think this wound will ever heal. And I don't think my mom will ever understand the fact that when I lost U.K, my childhood dream, I lost more than just an education abroad. I lost a part of my life. I lost something I had been working towards from the ninth standard. I lost my ray of hope that saw me through the final days of the twelfth standard. In my mind I was already living there... believe it or not I even had a routine chalked out about how i would spend my weekends! And then the tables turned, and I watched people leave Kolkata and go while I stayed behind. And believe me... it easier to bear it when you're the one leaving, but if you're staying behind, then God save you from that feeling. And now once again I'll have someone one going off too, and that will leave me crumbled inside from a lot of angles. Firstly because she's one of the pillars who's holding me up, and second because I'll feel that sense of being left behind once again.

People keep telling me that I'll go to U.K for my post grad and things will be fine. I'll live my dream. But I have this ominous feeling inside me which says its not happening. And my gut feeling usually proves right. So once again at the end of three years when the two people who made JUDE home for me will leave, I'll stay behind to be haunted my their memories in the University, because apparently JUDE is the best deal in the country for a post grad programme if you're looking for an academic career. And while I am looking for one, the two above mentioned people intend to take up different courses for their masters.

Sometimes when I walk down the street I have this gnawing feeling inside me which tells me that I'm worthless. I'm just another face lost in the crowd, people pass me by without taking a second look. I have to change that. If there's one thing I'm scared of the most, its being lost in the crowd. I HAVE to stand out! I NEED to stand out! I need to leave a legacy behind, people need to know me before I'm dead. Otherwise whats the point? To have lived and died like thousand others and not having left a mark behind? not having made a difference?

Do I sound too over ambitious? Maybe I am. But when I lost out on U.K I made a promise to myself to make something out of my life here. And that's exactly what I'm trying to achieve. All the extra curricular activities I'm involved in, its like this one ray of sanity I'm clutching onto. Without it I don't know what I would do.

The Sphere of Glass

I walked in
protected by a sphere of glass
which had magical powers,
it gave me the ability
to be detached
from everything
and everyone
around me.

But then you walked in,
aimed blatantly
and broke it.

And the sights
sounds
emotions
that had been on the other side
for a long time
came rushing in
one after the other
overlapping the last.

And it felt as if
someone had breathed life
into my corpse.
And I lived
laughed
loved
felt
for a short while
until you decided
that you had to walk away.

Only then did I look down
at myself
and realized
that the shards of glass
from the sphere you had broken
were embedded in my skin.

I had been too drunk
with happiness
to have noticed it then.
But I notice it now
And I'm bleeding to death.

How I studied documentation...

**In case of multiple authors only first name needs to be inverted:

*In case of two authors:

Basu, Kuhu, and Dipabali Dey. Why smart men want dumb women. Jadavpur University Press. 2010.

*In case of three authors:

Basu, Kuhu, Dipabali Dey, and Rudrani Gongopadhay. Interpreting the Pisces man. Jadavpur University Press. 2010.

*In case of more than three authors, write only the name of the first author followed by et al.

Paul, Sreejata, et al. Why Rhetoric and Composition should not be in the syllabus. Jadavpur University Press. 2010.

A Fairytale Friendship...

Once upon a time...

There were two princesses living in two separate kingdoms far away from each other. The Gods looked down upon them, following their life constantly, because they had been sent to Earth with a special purpose, to relieve their fellow human beings of pain and misery and to love selflessly. They had been given special powers, they could drink in abnormal amounts of pain and not break down, for this was often necessary for fulfilling their purpose on Earth.

But after a while, the Gods saw that the princesses were suffering and were miserable. They faced the world with a smile, but the smile never warmed their own hearts. The gods fell into deep thought, what was to be done?

Then one of the the young Gods-in-training offered a solution. He appealed to the High God, " Sire... I believe these girls need a friend to share their pain with, and in turn lessen it if not dissolve it, so that their hearts are lighter."

The High God liked the solution, and then the search for two girls who could be perfect friends to the princesses began. But no matter how hard they looked, they could not find perfect matches. At last, exhausted, the search was abandoned...

But then the same God-in-training who had suggested the idea in the first place, came up with a suggestion... "Sire, maybe we have looked in the wrong places." The high God was baffled and asked him to explain.

"Sire, why look for two different girls for both of them when they can be with each other."

The High God was extremely happy with this idea and ordered that it shall be carried out.

Then by a twist of fate, one of the princesses landed up in the other one's kingdom for educational purposes. But this in itself wasn't enough. The Gods could help the situation only so much, the rest of the path had to be decided upon by the young princesses themselves.

It took more than six months for them to acknowledge each other. But even after they became bosom friends, something was amiss. There were disagreements, violent ones, even though it was always sorted out later.

But then once, there was a disagreement so huge, that the princesses turned away from each other, thinking this was the end of the friendship for good, and went separate ways to pursue separate destinies, telling the world that they didn't care, but forever carrying the memories within them.

A year passed by. The Gods were growing worried now, because one of the princesses was going through more than she could handle, her world was collapsing. They tried sending replacements for her lost friend, to help ease her pain. But they soon found out that the princess's heart had grown a wall of ice, and no matter how hard they tried, the ice would not melt.

While all the elder Gods were deep in worry, the young to be God looked down upon them and smiled, "My daughters, I know I haven't made a wrong decision, the two of you will rediscover each other, but only after you've discovered yourself."

Then after a year, something good and something bad happened at the same time.

At this point, the other princess had realized that she needed to go back to her friend, for none of them was happy without the other. But she wasn't sure how, she was unsure and scared. But one day the messenger doves came and told her that the dreaded thing had happened, her friend's world had collapsed at last.

She needed no other reason, she set out at once, for she knew that she had to be there for her friend.

When she entered the thunder struck palace of her friend and looked at her, nothing more was needed. No words, no apologies, no explanations.

They stood on the threshold, embracing each other, drowning themselves in joy and in sorrow.

Up above, the Gods rejoiced.

At first there was some trepidation, for they weren't sure if things would be the same again, they weren't sure if the princess whose heart was enclosed in ice could or would love again.

But as the days went by, drowned in happiness, friendship and in love... the ice melted. And though this meant she would once again be vulnerable and open to pain, she thanked God that at last she could feel, and that she had her friend, the other half back...

All the things that are wrong with me...

I have a severe headache....

I dont want to study Bob Dylan...

But at the same time I feel guilty for not studying...

I feel tired but I cant sleep...

I want to cry but the tears wont come...

I want to throw things around my room, scream... yell... But somehow none of those wants actually break through the unnaturally calm surface...

I want to crib to someone... real bad... but I feel terrible about burdening anyone with my problems...

I want to be angry, impulsive... but I am hurt and patient( and nothing alters it).

I want to lose weight... but that never happens... Lucky are the people who slim down due to depression... never happened for me... I actually put on a kilo!! Dang it!!

I want to starve myself... but I cant coz then I'll have gastric pain and that is not such a good idea... firstly coz I am as scared of it as I am of arachnids and coz I have a semester examination in a week...

I want to overdose on spaz and escape this prison for a while... but my morals do not allow that... And I am sure nor would mommy 1 and 2 and bff in bangalore...

I want to get tipsy on wine... just that warm, snugly, happy feeling... but my mom wont allow alcohol in the house( WINE ISN'T EVEN ALCOHOL FOR CHRIST"S SAKE!!!!)

I want to be NOT AFFECTED by all this.... But that's not happening anytime soon...

Well... Now that you all know what a crybaby I am... I shall go back to Dylan( I WONT TAKE IN A WORD!!).

P.S. Minu... you're following my blog!!! Yay!!! =D

How far can you run...
If the prison in within you??

Nightmare??

Every waking minute of my life, I mutter a silent prayer asking that I wake up, and all of this just turns out to be a nightmare!!!

But whom am I kidding? Nightmares don't last this long.... do they? HAHAHAHA =D

Amazing revelations....

I was going through my inbox today because I have over 2000 messages in it and my phone starts misbehaving whenever the number of messages crosses 2000. And then I came across these messages from you which actually said things like... I miss you... Awwlleee I love you!

Seems a little impossible now, eh? Considering you acknowledge me as much as you would acknowledge air.

Anyway... should get back to Untouchable... no matter how boring it is...

My lifelines....

I was reading the second book of The House of Night series today, its called Betrayed. A few minutes ago I read the part where the protagonist, Zoey's best friend Stevie Ray Johnson dies in her arms.

I still cant stop crying... and even a cup of very strong black coffee cant calm me down right now.

Aphrodite, Minu, Rudrani.... I'd die if anything ever happened to any of you.

I'll live with the walls, the fights, the distance... as long as all three of you are fine.

Love you.

My Rain Person...

If you were to ask me as to what the rain means to me, I'd probably not be able to give you an answer. Because the emotions that rain or a storm evokes in me is not something I can put down in words, it can only be felt. But I could tell you of this other person to whom the rains mean the same thing. She could probably put it down in words for you, she's the best writer I have come across in a long long time. :)

Today when it started raining the first thing I did was message her. 1 simple message which said... 'brishti porche!' followed by a smiley. There was a time when I could have been sure that the rains would remind her of me as well. But I don't know if I ought to still have that level of confidence. Maybe I am being delusional, maybe what meant so much to me did after all mean nothing to her. But then again there's this voice at the back of my mind which says its not possible. How long did we have together? 2 months max... but can the depth of friendship be measured by time alone? And if time is a criteria... then what of those numerous afternoons spent in ccd talking and ordering the same foodstuff day after day? what of those trips to dakhinapan and getting high on six rounds of slushee? the nights spent on gtalk talking about nothing in particular?

When you've done so much in 2 months, it is a little difficult to just wake up one day and realize its not there any longer. The metaphorical hole that has developed in your heart wont fill itself in with logic such as 'its over. Get on with it.'

You poured too much of you into my life. Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I see a clear reflection of you in myself there. You've affected a lot of things about me... do you realize? the way I dress... the chunky jewelery, the bangles. Half the stuff I wear these days was either bought by you or selected by you. You ask me to forget that you exist... but what do I do with these pieces of you that you left behind?

Think of this as another nyaka post if you must. But the simple truth is that I miss you and I miss being the person I used to be when I was with you.

I'll wait, till you either turn around... or walk away. You see, I keep my promises, it wont ever be me who walked away(as if I could even if i tried!). Bleh!

Must go take a bath now. Term paper due on friday!!!

Multiple Personality Disorder

Its like the last 2 or 3 days I didn't exist. Dipabali didn't exist. I felt like I was having an out of body experience, I could actually see myself from a distant view, like I was looking in on someone Else's life.

I lost my head, went bonkers, did things Dipabali would never do. But then last night I had this epiphanic moment when I realized this isn't me. I don't give up, I don't not acknowledge people just because we're having a rough patch, I don't lose hope, I don't vent my anger, I don't try alternate ways of dealing with pain, I don't think negative. I'm the kind who believes that faith can move mountains, love can wash away hate, people DO come back. I'm the kind who finds a positive aspect in every negative situation. I'm the kind who waits but never loses hope.

So today morning I went back to being me. I faced the mess of my life instead of running away from it. I smiled without the expectation that I would get one back. I looked with love despite the facade of hate that stared back at me. I made conversation, even if I received monosyllabic replies most of the time.

What I realized over the last 2 days is that rebelling against the way I'm made is probably the worst thing I can do to myself. I maybe soft, vulnerable, petrified and emotionally driven, but somewhere deep down I like myself for those qualities. I dont want to be a person who dosent care, who would go to any heights to ease the pain, who would lose all hope, who would fill her insides up with so much bitterness that she'd forget how to love. And I was doing exactly that till yesterday.

Yes I love easy, yes I dig pits for myself, yes I get irrationally attached to certain people, yes I sometimes invite pain. But would you like me if I was any different? I know I wouldn't.

I love myself, with all my flaws. And I know I'll take a little time to forgive myself for the debacle of the last 2 days, but I eventually will. And all those people whom I hold dear( you know who you are! dont make me take names!), I hope you do too.

Yes, It's good to be back. =D

Yes Ma... its all my fault! Can I GO DIE in peace now?

I found a way out!!

I found a way out of this... Dunno if this was such a good idea... But I don't think anyone will find it! I feel lighter now! yay!

The other voice....

Haven't you had enough...
Within and without?
Come to me now
let me take over
indulge a little
you deserve this...

Let the wild laughter loose,
the nails dig in,
the red flow,
the flesh tear.

Feels nice doesn't it?
to listen to me
and let that sane, reasoning voice die?

But was it my fault?
IS it my fault?

It doesn't matter anymore...

Is this right?
Its late...
I should go now,
they're worried.

NO!
Stay...
It doesn't matter
not tonight.

Feel the cool night breeze,
watch the empty streets...
Its not that late after all.

Ignore the calls,
let the pain sink in
stay awhile
you've decided to give in after so long...

There is a hole...

There is a hole
that is growing
that is bleeding
and it wont stop
till my heart bleeds to death.

Maybe then
the pain will stop.

These violent delights have violent ends...

These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss, consume.

Right?

WRONG.

Sometimes there is no death,
there's just an abyss of dark pain.
It flows through your veins like poison and turns you black from the inside.
And the heart,
which is already black from remembering,
from hoping, from loving, from losing...
starts spilling black blood onto your insides.
drip drip drip.

The poison isnt restricted to your veins anymore.
Its spreading throughout your body,
its in your organs,
in your eyes,
in your throat.

Its oozing out from every pore in your body,
but no one can see it,
no one can feel it,
apart from you.

You alone are cursed with the pain,
because you have dared to love.

Sometimes there are days
rather nights
when the ipod isnt loud enough
to drown the voices screaming in my head.

Sometimes
no matter how fast I walk
the shadows of my thoughts
wont leave me alone.

There is something in there
that is already sinking
it wont stay afloat for long
I wish I knew what it was.

Happy Day.

When the day began I was thoroughly depressed. Last night's thoughts had still not left me, the crying bout had ended but the emotions, the thoughts... had remained. I had just had 2 hours of sleep last night. I cant remember the last time the insomnia business was this bad. To add to all of this, I was having a bad hair day. (How much worse can things get?). So when I dragged my feet to the bathroom in order to have a bath and then get ready for college, I wasn't feeling right inside.

As usual I was the first... oh no wait... second in class. I think Piyali was already there. I met Anwesha on the way, accompanied her to her department, came back and then sat reading in the classroom. Somehow even reading couldn't distract me much.

Day progressed, Sreejata and I made a trip to south city, this cheered me up a little, but IND and LATOA papers were waiting! Why on Earth am I stuck with a 5.5? why? What is wrong with me? Are my brains flying away bit by bit or did I get into JUDE by mistake?

But that was the end of the bad part. A.Lal reminded me that I had to talk to him regarding my topic while giving me my paper. So later that afternoon I returned to his office to try my luck once again and prayed to God that I wouldn't blank out like last time. But what wonders! Either Bhagwan ne meri sunli or he must have been in a bad mood the last time I visited him. HE APPROVED OF MY TOPIC! YAY! Memoirs of a Geisha... here I come! I came out of his office with this wide smile! Rudrani says I overreact... but what the heck? I was happy after a very depressing night!

We had one and a half hour to spare, a ccd wouldn't have been possible... so we did a slushy! There is something about going to Dakhinapan and having slushy that makes me really happy! We took an auto to the place, while mango and orange ice lollies happily dribbled down our sweaty palms. I believe Rudrani even got a brainfreeze!

Then there was the jewelery thingy. She bought me a pair of earrings and herself a necklace, all the while complaining that I have turned her into a girl who loves shopping :)

After this came the slushy business. Someone had said... aami chota slushee khaabo!... but we had only 3te.. but the point being that it still adds up to 6! And paratha and omlette along with that.

By this time we were thoroughly filled, so we decided to walk back to campus, but wait... it dosent end here! Bahar betha tha beguni man! We bought duto gorom gorom beguni and happily gorged on it while walking back to campus.

Debating society was interesting as always, especially because it was Sushant Bhaiya's farewell today and he treated us to ice cream!(double scoop).

Tarpor came the rickshaw ride. Two golgal people in a rickshaw. Yes we do pity the rickshaw wala... but we have too much fun during the ride to give it up! And henceforth we have decided that Monday shall be the rickshaw ride and Volvo day for us. Conversation... some deep and some that made us laugh! All the while both of us were balanced half on the seat and half on the handle, but who cares? Its pretty comfortable actually... feels like sitting next to a teddy bear.

Then she walked home and I boarded the Volvo.

I was smiling throughout the ride today. I felt happy. I felt content. Its amazing how a day can start out in such an awful manner and end with happiness. Sometimes the littlest things in life are all you need to experience undiluted joy. A good friend, mad times, hours of meaningful and meaningless conversation, a few bumpy rides, kacha aam! That's all I need to be happy. :) I know I'm being a little selfish... but I need this.

P.S: I cant help it is this is a nyaka post according to you! Bleh! :)

Mina Kumari's Birthday....

It's my Mina Kumari's birthday today.
That makes me happy! :)

AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

So a few days ago someone really close to me said... 'You're ugly! Go die!'... I brushed it off then. I retorted... No I'm not... in a very defiant voice. I thought my denial would be the end of the matter. But clearly, it affected me much more than I thought. I know what you'll say... that you shout at people when you're angry and say things that you don't mean, but that doesn't work as reason enough to stop myself from feeling this way. I didn't write about this for the longest time, even though it would have helped, it would have let me get it out of my system and not torture me every once in a while like poison running through my veins. But I didn't, thinking that you would see this. But I have decided I don't care. Fine, I get it you were angry, but does your anger give you the right to say something this demeaning to someone? Does your anger give you the right to HURT me? You didn't care as to what you were saying... so why should I care as to whether you will read this or not? I DON'T! And now that I have this out of my system, what you said wont bother me any longer too. Period.

My heart isnt made of wood you know.... on the contrary... you could say it is made of glass....

And it finally rained... =D

Black is a very lucky color for me! I got my lines right, not one glance at the script! Needless to say that rehearsal was fabulous! Really satisfying run through... Think we're going to do a good job! Lets see... And then... while I was coming back home on the S9... it started raining! I was so happy I could have danced! Nothing on Earth compares to the feeling of getting drenched in the first shower of the season! the cold drops sending shivers up your arms and the wind making you curl into a ball in the auto and clutch your soaking kurti! And to add to it the ipod playing something as perfect as kissing in the rain by Tori Amos. If only there was someone waiting at the end of the road to embrace my cold and wet form, it would have been picture perfect! But that's okay... =D I was as happy as a child today! The rain... the night.. the feeling! Just too much! And I knew that at the other end of the city, there would be one more pagli feeling the same way about the rain as I was feeling... and then I come home and figure out she had written about the first rain of the season in her blog exactly a year ago... how awesomely freaky is that? =D

I was so taken up by the whole mood that I missed my lane and the rickshaw man had to make his way back... I was that lost! and the ipod kept playing one perfect song after the other! Bonfires... almost lover... saathiya...etc. I was lost in a different world, a world where dreams come true. That's what the rains do to me. It makes me believe, it makes me hope.

And then when I get home looking like I've just climbed out of a swimming pool... my mother looks at me and says, 'bheejle?'... and I say 'yes' with a smile she hasnt seen on my face for quite some time!

It's my time of the year again, gray skies, full luscious clouds bursting with water, thunder, wind, memories, smiles, unfulfilled desires, yearning hearts. Yes... I love the rains... =)

I am content tonight... =)

'Ei tui kal kokhon University pouchobi?' or variations of the same sentence can cause a LOT of happiness!

As predicted last night, today was a very happy day! Even before the bus came to a stop, I noticed this person standing there in a formal shirt and half pants and thoroughly disheveled hair and broke into a very wide smile. :) This was followed by mad conversation for 3 hours and forty five minutes in ccd. I am sure they got thoroughly tired of us, and we thank our lucky stars that they didn't throw us out!

If there was ever a day of undiluted happiness, this was it. I thought this would be a very long blog, but I feel so content at the moment that I don't feel like writing anymore about it. :)

Friendship is one of the most beautiful things that exist... I hope all of you agree with me.

I have recently noticed two changes in me.

1. I am addicted to my blog.(proven by the fact that I'm sitting at 2 in the night and writing this for no apparent reason!)

2. I now have a monster appetite! Now this is scary, I have forever dealt with losing my appetite. This is the first time when I'm eating more than I used to! Sreejata says it's good, because I'm finally eating right quantities, but what if I put on more weight? I think I should read Peony in Love again! Then I'll survive on juice for some time! I happily ignored the flask of milk and the dabba of protein shake that was sitting at the dining table today and had ekta baashi ruti with thanda cholar dal, and then followed that up with a glass of hot milk. I really like milk, I am part cat you see! :)

I think I have lost it!

Anyway, I'll finish my milk now and curl up in bed and read Untouchables.

Tomorrow, I think, will be a happy day! :)

Goodnight.

I think I'm cracking, No wait... Actually I KNOW I'm cracking. Little things infuriate me. People get onto my nerves. And I'm running from my own thoughts. I think I'm going back to being that angry person who was affected by nothing from 1st semester.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Anyway, I will go read After Dark by Haruki Murakami now.

Goodnight.

Just tell me one thing,
Did I EVER matter?

The theory of devastation....(This was written last week btw)...

This had to happen
It was expected
The day I placed my brittle heart in your hands
I knew that one day
you would close your fist...
and when you would open it again
the ruby red pieces would fall to the floor
and shatter some more
and you would walk away
even if your heart was breaking.

Its not your fault
you had already warned me
but I had promised never to leave
I had promised to always come back
even if you pushed me away.

So there..
walk away
I'll wait
for you to come back...

I know you will!!!

Blabberings of a terribly frustrated mind...

I feel...
Hurt
Humiliated
Scorned at
Pushed away
Helpless
Angry
Unloved.

I wish I could scream it all out like Masumi Makhija did in 'Maqbool' but I cant. The next level of depression for me is deadly calm. So no smashing objects, no screaming, just less talking, anxiety attacks and making animal sounds in an attempt to cry. If you dont want to read all this you can just leave the page, recently I have heard that my blog is a little hard to handle, well that's your problem, DEAL WITH IT! I need to blabber here at least, because I think I'm going back to the mode where I cant blabber to people any longer, so all this has to come out SOMEWHERE! And I prefer the blog to angry red marks, they maybe liberating but I refuse to go down in a self destructive vortex, thank you! Sometimes I wish the blog was a person, then even I would have someone to whom I could have talked about everything that is wrong, someone who would keep taking it as opposed to me taking it from people all the time! Someone I could walk away from and not the other way round! But whom am I kidding? The thing is.... I cant walk away, not even from an inanimate object! Yes, that is sad... But that is me! I cant help who I am! I'm the kind who thinks everything is her fault, I'm the kind who will never confront! I'm the kind whose rebellion will die down inside and never leave the lips! I'm the kind who would try to hold a friendship together till the last moment and not let things like ego come in between! I'm the kind who will forgive you know matter how much you have HURT me! Yes... its a rather painful life if you are made like that. You can change your exterior as much as you like, but you can never change the way you are from inside. All I can do for self defense is keep myself super busy so that I wont have time to think. And sometimes when it gets too much I start living in this bubble where nothing penetrates, but that never lasts long! Something happens, someone comes along, and BOOM! there goes your bubble! Then a short period of bliss, mad laughter, deep conversations, a happy heart, a beautiful friendship, a peaceful soul.... but for how long? For every smile there are tears*10... for every moment that your heart soars there are ages of when it will feel smashed to a million pieces... for every sentence that makes you feel loved there will be ten waiting that will make you feel humiliated. But how long does this go on? How long does a person keep taking it and not crack? Every time a person comes along who makes you feel as if for once you are understood, but in the end they break you worse than the last person did. But its all my fault, no one promised me anything, instead... I made the promises, so I have no right to complain.

It will always be me who will be left behind with a broken heart and tears while others walk away. FINE! I accept it. I cant fight anymore! I QUIT!

Random poetry... iccha korlo bole

Happiness is not the absence of pain
it is when amidst all the heartbreak
you manage to find a reason to smile.
It is when a person who is so scared to let her walls down
holds your hand in a moment of forgetfulness.
it is when little things like silver dangly earrings make you feel beautiful.
It is when you cant stop laughing
over plastic glasses of green mango slush.
It is when you realize that somewhere down the line
your efforts are making a difference.
Happiness is not the result of a group of people around you
it is the feeling you get when after everyone has left
someone stays behind
for you.

Little things make me happy, little things break me too....

There are people in this world who should not love, I am one of them. Because I love easy, and break easier.

I was escaping specifically this feeling all this time. Yes, I was in my own bubble, yes I wasnt realistic, but I was happy. Everyone has their own methods, mine is escapism. But its amazing how one sentence can suddenly shatter your dream. Come to think of it, it dosent even form a proper link. But I cant help it, I cant control psychological glitches that go on inside my brain. It takes very little to make me happy. Our friendship made me happy. The freedom to be able to tell u how I feel made me happy. Your understanding made me happy. But one tiny thing and everything changed. In the beginning I was running from you, but after we talked last night I thought I'd be able to be normal again. But I was wrong. I ran again today. Dont blame yourself though, I dont blame you, but neither do I blame myself. I am a very sensitive person and I cant help that. I couldnt face you today, I dont know why. No, I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about how I feel, I dont care if people know. But there was something about the naked words glaring back at me from the monitor. There was something about the way I felt scorned at. I broke. That sentence broke me. But I thought once we'd talked it out it would be okay. But today when I saw you in front of my department I realized that its never going to be the same again. I'll never be able to even look at you properly. Maybe outside but definitely not on campus. Maybe when you're alone but never when you're with somebody. Which is perhaps equal to once in a blue moon! So there, no possessiveness issues anymore, because I'll always keep running, I'll always head in the other direction. It dosent matter that the sentence is there no longer, the effect it had on me remains, the tears still keep pooling in my chest and sometimes even overflow. I hate this feeling! I hate myself! But I cant do anything about it. All I can do is write stupid blogs! I know this is unfair on you, and there might even be a remote possibility that you'll miss our regular interaction, I know I will, and I wish it didnt have to be this way, but I cant help what happened, nor can you. I guess I'll just have to wait for mondays from now on, that too if you turn up. But its ok, I'll survive, I have lots of practice in dealing with pain, its the most common emotion after all!

P.S: I heard you follow my blog(yes this means you), I hope you read this one, should make you really happy! :) He's all yours now, which is ironical because he was always yours anyway!... but you still had a problem, now its done for....

I feel like a monster.....

Two weeks ago I made a new friend. She's really pretty, has adorable curly hair and turns pink during certain discussions! We have a lot in common, hair.. firgure.. our eets! so we really connected. The past two weeks have been blissful, the mad conversations at the gol table, the stalking business and the eet blabbering! And then day before yesterday both of us were online at this unearthly hour, and she started talking to me, she was so happy about something that had happened! and I was happy for her. We made this entire plan for the next day, she said we'd miss classes and do a picnic at the gol table with a sataranchi! I happily agreed! The next morning when I went to class, she ran out and gave me a big hug, but then our teacher walked in and we left the classroom hurriedly, but when I turned around, I realized she wasn't there. I felt really angry, coz I thought she was deliberately attending class after all our planning! I sent her an angry sms, and then when she came and stood in front of me during next class, I behaved rather badly with her. Then after class got over, she left, without telling anyone anything. She went into the loo but I couldnt see her after tht. I turned up in the a.v room at 3:45 to listen to 'Quadrophenia', she wasn't there. I asked ppl if she'd come in for e.d and they said she didnt. Thts when the first twang of ill feeling and guilt set in. I masked it somehow for the length of the evening while I was hanging out with other ppl, but when I got onto the bus and was alone, the feeling came back with double force. I called up two friends to see if we could hang out, coz I didnt want to go back home, but they weren't free.. So ultimately I had to go home. I was in a terrible mood, I wanted to call her, but felt scared, so I called another friend and cried to him instead. He too told me I should call her, and so I did. She answered my call( which I didnt think she would), and we spoke. Things I got to know during the conversation: She hadnt deliberately attended class, its just tht she had gone to get her bag and couldnt walk out because the teacher was right in front of her. She hadnt left college, she was crying in the loo for half an hour. She was really upset after she got home, she threw up, didnt eat and hurt herself some more... ALL BECAUSE I HAD HURT HER!

I messed up, big time. Even though we patched up, and had a perfectly cool day together today, there's this voice in the back of my head which keeps saying, 'You hurt someone who loves you so much.. She hurt herself so much because of you.. You're a monster... A terrible human being'. She's probably forgiven me, but problem is... I cant forgive myself.

If you're reading this... this is why I started crying today. I'm so sorry... Love you.

In reaction to Mina Kumari's recent album:once upon a time there was a tavern

time flows incessantly
seasons bleed into seasons
people who were friends yesterday
become strangers or worse
enemies.

memories that once brought laughter in its wake
brings pain and tears
and a fear
of coming across known faces
from the past

nothing returns
nothing remains
except those two smiling faces
so happy in each others company
even today
after so many heartbreaks

nothing returns
nothing remains
except our friendship....

Happy Blog! Yay! :)

So I am a very materialistic person, your average capitalist teenager to whom money=security, but at the end of the day its the little things in life that make me happy, like a sudden message from you at 11 in the night asking how I am or a walk to the metro with you by my side :) Its a little unfair actually, the amount of power you have over me! One message from you is enough to make me smile for the next 24 hours at least! Do you know I bumped into a rickshaw today outside Belgachia Metro because I was lost in my thoughts and smiling to myself? This is insane! Honestly! but what the heck... it keeps me happy! My friends are worried about my condition, like seriously worried! Some of them are convincing me that its only a crush and I'll get over it and some people are thinking about who I will share all this madness with in my postgraduate time if I stay back at J.U and they go away. But I dont want to stay back, I want to go abroad for my postgraduate at least! =s... and even if I do stay, I know for a fact that you wont, in fact weren't you talking of going away during your undergraduate course itself? But no! I'm not going to think of all this, these are scary prospects, you leaving, me leaving, not good! I better just focus on the present right now, I'll deal with all the above mentioned things when the happen! Otherwise my happy happy mood will be replaced by 'brooding about future thingies mood', which is not good.

You know something? time just flies by when I'm with you! Its not fair! It all gets over too quickly! But then again... it might just be me being greedy.... cant help it! human nature I guess! There's always so much I think I'll tell you when we're together, but I don't even get the time to tell you half the things when we do talk! I call you sometimes, but then somehow something will always happen mid conversation and you will go, and then we never finish the conversation we leave hanging in the air. But the concluding point being that you have the power to make me euphoric as well as depressed... which is not a good thing. If it was in my hands I wouldn't give you so much of a hold over me, but its not... so I guess I'll just have to deal with it. Like today for example, I am so happy that I'm sitting at 3 in the night and writing this blog even though I'm practically falling asleep writing this!

Well... that was less of a blog entry and more of a one sided blabbering! But that's what my blog is all about, I write what I feel. So this is what I felt today, I know its probably my silliest blog ever, but its close to my heart! :) I'm sorry if the last blog made you feel bad... it wasn't meant to... I was just venting my frustration, that's it. Hope this one makes you happy! I definitely felt happy writing it! yay! :)

P.S: Thank you, for everything!

The S9 story....

So if you're a J.Uite you definitely know what I mean, and if you're not, then I'm referring to the state bus which leaves from karunamoyee and takes you to 8b bus stand, and vice versa. Now there are many classifications when it comes to this bus, there's the goth one, the middle one and the new one. The S9 is a very important part of my life, its almost like a second home actually, because I spend 10 hours a week in it. So when I reach the depot and dont find my favorite kind of bus waiting, it really pisses me off! First of all there's the goth bus: the oldest of the S9 army, there are two kinds of this actually, the first one has horizontally sliding windows, smaller seats, a smaller passageway between the seats and a slightly narrower door frame with no door, it also has dim yellow lights and the front seats are often elevated. And the second one has larger seats, a wider door frame with no door, a broader passageway between the two seats and vertically sliding windows, the rest of the features are the same. I am the happiest when I manage to get onto one of these buses! The dark interiors in the morning that dont let in too much sunshine and the wind whipping against your face! Its just beautiful! If I'm with someone (mostly its either Disha or Mrinalini), we have loud conversations( rather scandalizing ones at that!) which makes heads turn! and if I'm alone I stuff my earphones into my ears, turn on my ipod, listen to demented romantic music and let my thoughts loose... They're not necessarily happy thoughts all the time, sometimes when I'm depressed I think of weird things!But mostly you'll find me sitting beside the window, looking out, with a shy smile and a dreamy expression. The perfect music and the perfect bus can do wonders for your morning mood... believe me! And when its evening and I'm returning home its even more brilliant! Its all dark and the seats are really tall, so its kinda a really private bus. After a tiring day if I'm with Minu we just cuddle upto each other and have gooey, critical and scandalizing conversations! Laugh a little, eat a little and then worry abt the amount of junk food we're eating! aahh... what a life! And if I'm alone I just dive into demented romantic music and my thoughts again! But then some-days I come to the depot and find the new ones or the semi new ones waiting.. and my heart sinks! the new ones have terribly large windows, so if you're travelling in the morning there is too much sunshine! and if you're traveling in the evening they put on those those horrible tube lights! and the semi new ones are like hybrids of the two! It disturbs your train of thought! provides no intimacy whatsoever if you're traveling with a friend! its just Blah! If we had to have new S9's why couldn't they be designed like the red volvos? they're so gorgeous! with the steps and everything! I know for a fact that there are ST6's which are designed like that! Then why not the S9's? :(

Why?

So up until a few days ago I could still confidently say,"Nothing affects me anymore", but unfortunately I found something that does, and pretty badly at that too. If I look at the situation logically then I know precisely what to do, but the problem being that the heart is not a rational thing. I swear to God when someone coined the word 'tragedy', they must have thought of me! It never ends, the streams of mishaps! I mean fine! it might be 'character building' stuff! but there's a limit! I'm bloody only 19 years of age, and I feel like I've already had a lifetime's worth of things to deal with! Even things that initially keep you happy somehow or the other twist itself in a manner that in the end it becomes a source of pain. I'm sick and tires of feeling like I'm being stabbed with a pin constantly! I never asked too much of you, did I? Didnt we agree that we'd be normal? Didnt u say a string of things that night? Were they just words? can you make me feel good only over the phone? I dont say return my feelings, but at least be normal with me! I miss you, miss what we use to have. The wordplay, the informative conversations, the feeling of warmth whenever you were around. When did it end? and why did it have to end? The five minutes every Tuesday that used to be packed with conversation is suddenly filled with awkward silences and cold behavior. The warmth in your eyes, our friendship, its all gone, and yet you ask me why I'm pissed with you. I wish you'd understand that I'm not pissed, I just miss your company... miss your affection... miss the brainstorming. I know you asked me to tell you whenever the pain gets too much to handle, but how do I say something so big to a person with whom even small talks are hard to come by these days? You're the same towards everyone else, its only me who gets the aloof treatment. And I like a fool yearn to see you when you're not around, and end up crying the entire night when I do come across you. Tell me what to do? tell me how to kill my feelings? When I came across you after four years of what used to be, I was happy for I thought I'd finally found a man who understood, if not reciprocated. But I dont know why, it seems like the understanding lasted only that one night, or rather it lasts only over the phone, you have your way with words and you end up convincing me that things will be different now, but then when I come across you, its just the same....