21st October, 2009

I guess a part of me knew that this was going to happen one day or another. But I tend to be an escapist when I find real life too tough to deal with. So I kept telling myself that there's time, until time finally ran out. I spent my bday 4 days ago, it was a really happy affair, and I was still in that content mood, and then suddenly everything went wrong. I was climbing the steps that would lead me out of Rabindra Sarobar metro, when the phone call came. And I immediately rushed downstairs and took the opposite metro back to Belgachia. Even on my way home I kept telling myself that it was'nt true, that I was going to enter my home and my mom would tell me that it was a false alarm. But I reached home only to have my world collapse around me.

For at least an hour and a half I didnt have the strength to do anything, but then that stifling feeling set in and all I wanted to do was talk to someone, someone who would understand how I felt. Thats when I let my friends know, so that even if one or two of them decided to come over, I'd get company for a while. I asked for one or two but 9 of them turned up, and for a while I escaped into this make believe cocoon where everything felt normal again. For after they left, once more I was left alone. Hours and hours of sitting and staring ahead of me, seeking answers but ending up with more questions. I feel tired to the bone but I cannot sleep. There's this feeling that I cannot explain. It feels like there's a dead weight on my chest that wont let me breathe. It feels like something is gnawing away at my chest. I feel the tears, but it never reaches my eyes, instead it dies in my throat and I'm left with a moan escaping my lips. I look back at previous incidents when I felt like no more could possibly go wrong with me, no more dreams would be taken away from me, no more pain would be inflicted on me, and feel like laughing. I've often lived under false pretences in order to protect myself from misery. But I've accepted one truth today, that mine is not a life of big smiles and happy memories. I've always scoffed at superstitions, but I no longer scoff at a certain one, the one that says that people born on a new moon night lead cursed lives.

Pain and Pleasure

I take ages to settle down into this coma like state where i can switch everything out of tune and carry on with my life in blissful ignorance....and then BANG! i spend a fabulous day which literally displaces my center of gravity.... makes me 'take off my shoes'.....and everything comes back to sharp focus...for ppl who understand wat i mean...dont get me wrong...its not like i dont want these kinda days....its just that...it has its pros and cons....pros include a smile which is pasted on my face for quite some time now...the strong urge to sing.....and excessive daydreaming!!and cons include...as i said before...becoming more sensitive to everything around me once again..meaning tht while the happiness is such tht sometimes i feel i'll burst with it...the pain..when it hits...is equally unbearable....these past two years have been pretty challenging...i lost a lot more than i gained...and things were snatched away from me at a point when i could almost taste it.... and it dosent help if a part of these past two years is strutting about my university in a string of pearls!!! because underneath all those layers of hatred....disgust and a maddening desire to kill..there's still a wound that hasnt healed....and i still cant decide whether i've emerged more vulnerable or invulnerable from all of it....problem is...when everything is in sharper focus...things tend to repeat themselves inside my head...and even simple everyday matters start making me feel guilty....and then there's this feeling in the pit of my stomach which makes me abandon Rimi Di's assignment and write this blog...even though i'm not even halfway through my work!!! so its really difficult to figure out what i want... the numb reverie where i pretty much dont feel anything...or this insane happiness with an equal dose of pain(when it comes).... perhaps...if only the reason for this mad elation was a part of my life and not only something i can observe from a distance....things would have been different.....

To Aphrodite

The first time you left, I hardly felt it. But now tht ur back and leaving again, somehow I cant handle it. I've been really down for quite some time now and I havent been able to figure out why, but I think i just realized it. We met on Shashti and had an amazing time together, but then I said bye and this sinking feeling set in. But still, I thought I'd get to spend another day with you before u leave, but now I'm not even getting tht. Dont get me wrong, I'm not complaining here, I'm just expressing myself.And maybe if I write this note then I'll finally stop crying!(or maybe not...). I know its the pujas and u have to meet a lot of people in a really short time span, but I really wish we had a day together before u left, just the two of us. Ever since class 8 u've been there for me always. We had our share of rough patches, but unlike other relations, the gap didnt alter our friendship at all, it grew stronger every single day, and still does. I'm glad tht I have at least one relation tht time never alters...but ripens! Thank u for everything Aphrodite... for being there for me every time I fell down and for helping me get back up on my feet again.For laughing with me and crying with me...and listening to every tiny thing tht i had to say and solving my problems(over the phone),even in another city. For understanding me or at least trying to understand me while others took a narrow minded approach. For encouraging me in everything tht I'm good at and giving me a rib cracking hug everytime I brought a medal back! For making me feel so loved and important. Its a pretty tough life...what with ppl who u trust constantly backstabbing u and ur dreams being taken away from u when u can almost taste them! But it would have been so much worse without my fairy godmother...my best friend...my sister...my mother...my daughter.... without u...

With love,
Dipabali.