My heart isnt made of wood you know.... on the contrary... you could say it is made of glass....

And it finally rained... =D

Black is a very lucky color for me! I got my lines right, not one glance at the script! Needless to say that rehearsal was fabulous! Really satisfying run through... Think we're going to do a good job! Lets see... And then... while I was coming back home on the S9... it started raining! I was so happy I could have danced! Nothing on Earth compares to the feeling of getting drenched in the first shower of the season! the cold drops sending shivers up your arms and the wind making you curl into a ball in the auto and clutch your soaking kurti! And to add to it the ipod playing something as perfect as kissing in the rain by Tori Amos. If only there was someone waiting at the end of the road to embrace my cold and wet form, it would have been picture perfect! But that's okay... =D I was as happy as a child today! The rain... the night.. the feeling! Just too much! And I knew that at the other end of the city, there would be one more pagli feeling the same way about the rain as I was feeling... and then I come home and figure out she had written about the first rain of the season in her blog exactly a year ago... how awesomely freaky is that? =D

I was so taken up by the whole mood that I missed my lane and the rickshaw man had to make his way back... I was that lost! and the ipod kept playing one perfect song after the other! Bonfires... almost lover... saathiya...etc. I was lost in a different world, a world where dreams come true. That's what the rains do to me. It makes me believe, it makes me hope.

And then when I get home looking like I've just climbed out of a swimming pool... my mother looks at me and says, 'bheejle?'... and I say 'yes' with a smile she hasnt seen on my face for quite some time!

It's my time of the year again, gray skies, full luscious clouds bursting with water, thunder, wind, memories, smiles, unfulfilled desires, yearning hearts. Yes... I love the rains... =)

I am content tonight... =)

'Ei tui kal kokhon University pouchobi?' or variations of the same sentence can cause a LOT of happiness!

As predicted last night, today was a very happy day! Even before the bus came to a stop, I noticed this person standing there in a formal shirt and half pants and thoroughly disheveled hair and broke into a very wide smile. :) This was followed by mad conversation for 3 hours and forty five minutes in ccd. I am sure they got thoroughly tired of us, and we thank our lucky stars that they didn't throw us out!

If there was ever a day of undiluted happiness, this was it. I thought this would be a very long blog, but I feel so content at the moment that I don't feel like writing anymore about it. :)

Friendship is one of the most beautiful things that exist... I hope all of you agree with me.

I have recently noticed two changes in me.

1. I am addicted to my blog.(proven by the fact that I'm sitting at 2 in the night and writing this for no apparent reason!)

2. I now have a monster appetite! Now this is scary, I have forever dealt with losing my appetite. This is the first time when I'm eating more than I used to! Sreejata says it's good, because I'm finally eating right quantities, but what if I put on more weight? I think I should read Peony in Love again! Then I'll survive on juice for some time! I happily ignored the flask of milk and the dabba of protein shake that was sitting at the dining table today and had ekta baashi ruti with thanda cholar dal, and then followed that up with a glass of hot milk. I really like milk, I am part cat you see! :)

I think I have lost it!

Anyway, I'll finish my milk now and curl up in bed and read Untouchables.

Tomorrow, I think, will be a happy day! :)

Goodnight.

I think I'm cracking, No wait... Actually I KNOW I'm cracking. Little things infuriate me. People get onto my nerves. And I'm running from my own thoughts. I think I'm going back to being that angry person who was affected by nothing from 1st semester.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Anyway, I will go read After Dark by Haruki Murakami now.

Goodnight.

Just tell me one thing,
Did I EVER matter?

The theory of devastation....(This was written last week btw)...

This had to happen
It was expected
The day I placed my brittle heart in your hands
I knew that one day
you would close your fist...
and when you would open it again
the ruby red pieces would fall to the floor
and shatter some more
and you would walk away
even if your heart was breaking.

Its not your fault
you had already warned me
but I had promised never to leave
I had promised to always come back
even if you pushed me away.

So there..
walk away
I'll wait
for you to come back...

I know you will!!!

Blabberings of a terribly frustrated mind...

I feel...
Hurt
Humiliated
Scorned at
Pushed away
Helpless
Angry
Unloved.

I wish I could scream it all out like Masumi Makhija did in 'Maqbool' but I cant. The next level of depression for me is deadly calm. So no smashing objects, no screaming, just less talking, anxiety attacks and making animal sounds in an attempt to cry. If you dont want to read all this you can just leave the page, recently I have heard that my blog is a little hard to handle, well that's your problem, DEAL WITH IT! I need to blabber here at least, because I think I'm going back to the mode where I cant blabber to people any longer, so all this has to come out SOMEWHERE! And I prefer the blog to angry red marks, they maybe liberating but I refuse to go down in a self destructive vortex, thank you! Sometimes I wish the blog was a person, then even I would have someone to whom I could have talked about everything that is wrong, someone who would keep taking it as opposed to me taking it from people all the time! Someone I could walk away from and not the other way round! But whom am I kidding? The thing is.... I cant walk away, not even from an inanimate object! Yes, that is sad... But that is me! I cant help who I am! I'm the kind who thinks everything is her fault, I'm the kind who will never confront! I'm the kind whose rebellion will die down inside and never leave the lips! I'm the kind who would try to hold a friendship together till the last moment and not let things like ego come in between! I'm the kind who will forgive you know matter how much you have HURT me! Yes... its a rather painful life if you are made like that. You can change your exterior as much as you like, but you can never change the way you are from inside. All I can do for self defense is keep myself super busy so that I wont have time to think. And sometimes when it gets too much I start living in this bubble where nothing penetrates, but that never lasts long! Something happens, someone comes along, and BOOM! there goes your bubble! Then a short period of bliss, mad laughter, deep conversations, a happy heart, a beautiful friendship, a peaceful soul.... but for how long? For every smile there are tears*10... for every moment that your heart soars there are ages of when it will feel smashed to a million pieces... for every sentence that makes you feel loved there will be ten waiting that will make you feel humiliated. But how long does this go on? How long does a person keep taking it and not crack? Every time a person comes along who makes you feel as if for once you are understood, but in the end they break you worse than the last person did. But its all my fault, no one promised me anything, instead... I made the promises, so I have no right to complain.

It will always be me who will be left behind with a broken heart and tears while others walk away. FINE! I accept it. I cant fight anymore! I QUIT!

Random poetry... iccha korlo bole

Happiness is not the absence of pain
it is when amidst all the heartbreak
you manage to find a reason to smile.
It is when a person who is so scared to let her walls down
holds your hand in a moment of forgetfulness.
it is when little things like silver dangly earrings make you feel beautiful.
It is when you cant stop laughing
over plastic glasses of green mango slush.
It is when you realize that somewhere down the line
your efforts are making a difference.
Happiness is not the result of a group of people around you
it is the feeling you get when after everyone has left
someone stays behind
for you.

Little things make me happy, little things break me too....

There are people in this world who should not love, I am one of them. Because I love easy, and break easier.

I was escaping specifically this feeling all this time. Yes, I was in my own bubble, yes I wasnt realistic, but I was happy. Everyone has their own methods, mine is escapism. But its amazing how one sentence can suddenly shatter your dream. Come to think of it, it dosent even form a proper link. But I cant help it, I cant control psychological glitches that go on inside my brain. It takes very little to make me happy. Our friendship made me happy. The freedom to be able to tell u how I feel made me happy. Your understanding made me happy. But one tiny thing and everything changed. In the beginning I was running from you, but after we talked last night I thought I'd be able to be normal again. But I was wrong. I ran again today. Dont blame yourself though, I dont blame you, but neither do I blame myself. I am a very sensitive person and I cant help that. I couldnt face you today, I dont know why. No, I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about how I feel, I dont care if people know. But there was something about the naked words glaring back at me from the monitor. There was something about the way I felt scorned at. I broke. That sentence broke me. But I thought once we'd talked it out it would be okay. But today when I saw you in front of my department I realized that its never going to be the same again. I'll never be able to even look at you properly. Maybe outside but definitely not on campus. Maybe when you're alone but never when you're with somebody. Which is perhaps equal to once in a blue moon! So there, no possessiveness issues anymore, because I'll always keep running, I'll always head in the other direction. It dosent matter that the sentence is there no longer, the effect it had on me remains, the tears still keep pooling in my chest and sometimes even overflow. I hate this feeling! I hate myself! But I cant do anything about it. All I can do is write stupid blogs! I know this is unfair on you, and there might even be a remote possibility that you'll miss our regular interaction, I know I will, and I wish it didnt have to be this way, but I cant help what happened, nor can you. I guess I'll just have to wait for mondays from now on, that too if you turn up. But its ok, I'll survive, I have lots of practice in dealing with pain, its the most common emotion after all!

P.S: I heard you follow my blog(yes this means you), I hope you read this one, should make you really happy! :) He's all yours now, which is ironical because he was always yours anyway!... but you still had a problem, now its done for....