I feel like a monster.....

Two weeks ago I made a new friend. She's really pretty, has adorable curly hair and turns pink during certain discussions! We have a lot in common, hair.. firgure.. our eets! so we really connected. The past two weeks have been blissful, the mad conversations at the gol table, the stalking business and the eet blabbering! And then day before yesterday both of us were online at this unearthly hour, and she started talking to me, she was so happy about something that had happened! and I was happy for her. We made this entire plan for the next day, she said we'd miss classes and do a picnic at the gol table with a sataranchi! I happily agreed! The next morning when I went to class, she ran out and gave me a big hug, but then our teacher walked in and we left the classroom hurriedly, but when I turned around, I realized she wasn't there. I felt really angry, coz I thought she was deliberately attending class after all our planning! I sent her an angry sms, and then when she came and stood in front of me during next class, I behaved rather badly with her. Then after class got over, she left, without telling anyone anything. She went into the loo but I couldnt see her after tht. I turned up in the a.v room at 3:45 to listen to 'Quadrophenia', she wasn't there. I asked ppl if she'd come in for e.d and they said she didnt. Thts when the first twang of ill feeling and guilt set in. I masked it somehow for the length of the evening while I was hanging out with other ppl, but when I got onto the bus and was alone, the feeling came back with double force. I called up two friends to see if we could hang out, coz I didnt want to go back home, but they weren't free.. So ultimately I had to go home. I was in a terrible mood, I wanted to call her, but felt scared, so I called another friend and cried to him instead. He too told me I should call her, and so I did. She answered my call( which I didnt think she would), and we spoke. Things I got to know during the conversation: She hadnt deliberately attended class, its just tht she had gone to get her bag and couldnt walk out because the teacher was right in front of her. She hadnt left college, she was crying in the loo for half an hour. She was really upset after she got home, she threw up, didnt eat and hurt herself some more... ALL BECAUSE I HAD HURT HER!

I messed up, big time. Even though we patched up, and had a perfectly cool day together today, there's this voice in the back of my head which keeps saying, 'You hurt someone who loves you so much.. She hurt herself so much because of you.. You're a monster... A terrible human being'. She's probably forgiven me, but problem is... I cant forgive myself.

If you're reading this... this is why I started crying today. I'm so sorry... Love you.