I feel like a monster.....

Two weeks ago I made a new friend. She's really pretty, has adorable curly hair and turns pink during certain discussions! We have a lot in common, hair.. firgure.. our eets! so we really connected. The past two weeks have been blissful, the mad conversations at the gol table, the stalking business and the eet blabbering! And then day before yesterday both of us were online at this unearthly hour, and she started talking to me, she was so happy about something that had happened! and I was happy for her. We made this entire plan for the next day, she said we'd miss classes and do a picnic at the gol table with a sataranchi! I happily agreed! The next morning when I went to class, she ran out and gave me a big hug, but then our teacher walked in and we left the classroom hurriedly, but when I turned around, I realized she wasn't there. I felt really angry, coz I thought she was deliberately attending class after all our planning! I sent her an angry sms, and then when she came and stood in front of me during next class, I behaved rather badly with her. Then after class got over, she left, without telling anyone anything. She went into the loo but I couldnt see her after tht. I turned up in the a.v room at 3:45 to listen to 'Quadrophenia', she wasn't there. I asked ppl if she'd come in for e.d and they said she didnt. Thts when the first twang of ill feeling and guilt set in. I masked it somehow for the length of the evening while I was hanging out with other ppl, but when I got onto the bus and was alone, the feeling came back with double force. I called up two friends to see if we could hang out, coz I didnt want to go back home, but they weren't free.. So ultimately I had to go home. I was in a terrible mood, I wanted to call her, but felt scared, so I called another friend and cried to him instead. He too told me I should call her, and so I did. She answered my call( which I didnt think she would), and we spoke. Things I got to know during the conversation: She hadnt deliberately attended class, its just tht she had gone to get her bag and couldnt walk out because the teacher was right in front of her. She hadnt left college, she was crying in the loo for half an hour. She was really upset after she got home, she threw up, didnt eat and hurt herself some more... ALL BECAUSE I HAD HURT HER!

I messed up, big time. Even though we patched up, and had a perfectly cool day together today, there's this voice in the back of my head which keeps saying, 'You hurt someone who loves you so much.. She hurt herself so much because of you.. You're a monster... A terrible human being'. She's probably forgiven me, but problem is... I cant forgive myself.

If you're reading this... this is why I started crying today. I'm so sorry... Love you.

In reaction to Mina Kumari's recent album:once upon a time there was a tavern

time flows incessantly
seasons bleed into seasons
people who were friends yesterday
become strangers or worse
enemies.

memories that once brought laughter in its wake
brings pain and tears
and a fear
of coming across known faces
from the past

nothing returns
nothing remains
except those two smiling faces
so happy in each others company
even today
after so many heartbreaks

nothing returns
nothing remains
except our friendship....

Happy Blog! Yay! :)

So I am a very materialistic person, your average capitalist teenager to whom money=security, but at the end of the day its the little things in life that make me happy, like a sudden message from you at 11 in the night asking how I am or a walk to the metro with you by my side :) Its a little unfair actually, the amount of power you have over me! One message from you is enough to make me smile for the next 24 hours at least! Do you know I bumped into a rickshaw today outside Belgachia Metro because I was lost in my thoughts and smiling to myself? This is insane! Honestly! but what the heck... it keeps me happy! My friends are worried about my condition, like seriously worried! Some of them are convincing me that its only a crush and I'll get over it and some people are thinking about who I will share all this madness with in my postgraduate time if I stay back at J.U and they go away. But I dont want to stay back, I want to go abroad for my postgraduate at least! =s... and even if I do stay, I know for a fact that you wont, in fact weren't you talking of going away during your undergraduate course itself? But no! I'm not going to think of all this, these are scary prospects, you leaving, me leaving, not good! I better just focus on the present right now, I'll deal with all the above mentioned things when the happen! Otherwise my happy happy mood will be replaced by 'brooding about future thingies mood', which is not good.

You know something? time just flies by when I'm with you! Its not fair! It all gets over too quickly! But then again... it might just be me being greedy.... cant help it! human nature I guess! There's always so much I think I'll tell you when we're together, but I don't even get the time to tell you half the things when we do talk! I call you sometimes, but then somehow something will always happen mid conversation and you will go, and then we never finish the conversation we leave hanging in the air. But the concluding point being that you have the power to make me euphoric as well as depressed... which is not a good thing. If it was in my hands I wouldn't give you so much of a hold over me, but its not... so I guess I'll just have to deal with it. Like today for example, I am so happy that I'm sitting at 3 in the night and writing this blog even though I'm practically falling asleep writing this!

Well... that was less of a blog entry and more of a one sided blabbering! But that's what my blog is all about, I write what I feel. So this is what I felt today, I know its probably my silliest blog ever, but its close to my heart! :) I'm sorry if the last blog made you feel bad... it wasn't meant to... I was just venting my frustration, that's it. Hope this one makes you happy! I definitely felt happy writing it! yay! :)

P.S: Thank you, for everything!

The S9 story....

So if you're a J.Uite you definitely know what I mean, and if you're not, then I'm referring to the state bus which leaves from karunamoyee and takes you to 8b bus stand, and vice versa. Now there are many classifications when it comes to this bus, there's the goth one, the middle one and the new one. The S9 is a very important part of my life, its almost like a second home actually, because I spend 10 hours a week in it. So when I reach the depot and dont find my favorite kind of bus waiting, it really pisses me off! First of all there's the goth bus: the oldest of the S9 army, there are two kinds of this actually, the first one has horizontally sliding windows, smaller seats, a smaller passageway between the seats and a slightly narrower door frame with no door, it also has dim yellow lights and the front seats are often elevated. And the second one has larger seats, a wider door frame with no door, a broader passageway between the two seats and vertically sliding windows, the rest of the features are the same. I am the happiest when I manage to get onto one of these buses! The dark interiors in the morning that dont let in too much sunshine and the wind whipping against your face! Its just beautiful! If I'm with someone (mostly its either Disha or Mrinalini), we have loud conversations( rather scandalizing ones at that!) which makes heads turn! and if I'm alone I stuff my earphones into my ears, turn on my ipod, listen to demented romantic music and let my thoughts loose... They're not necessarily happy thoughts all the time, sometimes when I'm depressed I think of weird things!But mostly you'll find me sitting beside the window, looking out, with a shy smile and a dreamy expression. The perfect music and the perfect bus can do wonders for your morning mood... believe me! And when its evening and I'm returning home its even more brilliant! Its all dark and the seats are really tall, so its kinda a really private bus. After a tiring day if I'm with Minu we just cuddle upto each other and have gooey, critical and scandalizing conversations! Laugh a little, eat a little and then worry abt the amount of junk food we're eating! aahh... what a life! And if I'm alone I just dive into demented romantic music and my thoughts again! But then some-days I come to the depot and find the new ones or the semi new ones waiting.. and my heart sinks! the new ones have terribly large windows, so if you're travelling in the morning there is too much sunshine! and if you're traveling in the evening they put on those those horrible tube lights! and the semi new ones are like hybrids of the two! It disturbs your train of thought! provides no intimacy whatsoever if you're traveling with a friend! its just Blah! If we had to have new S9's why couldn't they be designed like the red volvos? they're so gorgeous! with the steps and everything! I know for a fact that there are ST6's which are designed like that! Then why not the S9's? :(