I cant write anymore... When I first discovered blogging, it used to be the one place I could come back to and vent, or write happy things. My journals never survive, I always throw them away, coz after a while they bug me, bug me to such an extent that they set off panic attacks whenever I see them( or maybe its just my supposed GAD)... but whatever... point is... when I discovered blog-spot, I was so happy! Coz here was this one place where I could let it all out! But that stopped. Eventually I just clogged up once again. There are nights when I cant breathe, I cant move, when I sit paralyzed, thinking that the world is coming to an end, and I write... I write in my mind... but somehow, I cant write on my blog. Its nothing unnatural really, for a person like me. I wouldn't call myself an introvert, I am what is described in Bengali as 'chaapa'... I guess the literal translation of that would mean 'held down'? I dunno if that makes sense... but that's how I feel. I don't easily vent when I'm upset... I ALMOST never vent actually, because everyone has problems of their own right? Why burden the world with mine as well? I'm good for the listening part... not the venting part. But believe it or not I wasn't always like this. There was a time when I could... I would vent... when I could and I did cry, but that was ages ago! Then one fine morning I got up, looked at myself in the mirror and said... enough of this, people will not call you weak anymore!
I am perfectly capable of taking these random decisions, more like my sub conscious self keeps going over it for a long time and then passes it onto my conscious self... and BOOM! I have taken a decision! The same goes for my ability to shut down in the face of severe depression... I'll take all the pain,all the humiliation, all the shit that you dole out to me, and then one fine day after I have drowned completely... I will shut down, and walk around like a zombie. So that's what happened... and then I became this person who keeps taking it... taking it... taking it... who holds all her rage, frustration and panic down until none of it makes sense anymore... until the reasons have been forgotten... and all that is left is blind anxiety and a lot of pain... which in turn causes uncalled for depression...
I feel like I'm drowning sometimes... ALL THE TIME! And I'm desperately trying to clutch onto things... people... memories(?)... but all the while... I'm sinking a little further in... its like being stuck in a bog...
I guess certain things are supposed to happen at certain times... and then they don't... and that emptiness... the fact that it didn't happen... leaves you scarred for life... changes you in ways you don't like... I don't know how may times I've said this, But I need to... AGAIN! and I kinda don't care if ur rolling your eyes at the computer screen right now! back in class 12... rather after class 12... I was supposed to go to UK... It was one of those things that HAD to happen... and then it didnt. I look back at myself then... that strong ambitious girl who was ready to jump into that big adventure! Who was already living in UK in her mind... Sure she was broken down... sure she was hurt... but she had that spirit in her... the one that stays intact no matter what... the one that drives you. She was so sure of what she wanted... she had firm decisions made. But then I didn't go... and that broke me... scarred me... damaged me in ways I cant explain... There will always be this vast gaping hole in my life... the hole that was supposed to be UK... and nothing is ever going to fill that up. And then there's me now... indecisive, unsure of what she wants... trying to tell herself to live life one step at a time! BECAUSE SHE BLOODY HELL CANT DECIDE WHAT SHE WANTS! SHE DOESN'T HAVE A PLAN ANYMORE!AND THAT SUCKS! COZ SHE ALWAYS HAD A PLAN! ALWAYS! SHE HAD HER ACADEMIC LIFE CHALKED OUT! AND SHE DOESN'T ANYMORE!
I knew what I wanted... Five years in UK... undergrad and masters... and then research... that was the only undecided part... whether I'd do the research in India or in the UK. Though I was more inclined on India...
But then that dream broke... and I landed in JUDE... I think I see why JUDE had to happen now... Minu coming back, that only happened coz we constantly came across each other in the university, otherwise as much as I always secretly hoped, on the outside, I had given up hope... Finding Rudrani... And I think JUDE is also very much responsible for making me realize that I'm not a classical literature person... AT ALL... and that my true calling is Asian Literature... I discovered theater in JUDE... maybe I would have abroad as well... but its just one of those things that JUDE made me realize I have in me... So a huge thank you to JUDE for all those things... But yeah... UK not happening had its after effects. Back then I had it all figured out... I knew which University I'd be attending... now... I don't even know which country I want... whether I want UK( pro:childhood dream, con: they're more of old English specialists)... or US( Pro:They might be better equipped for someone who wants to study something as unheard of as Asian Literature, college life with Rudrani, Con: As emotionally driven as I am, will I be able to overcome that mental image of always wanting to make it to UK?)... BIG QUESTION: Will mum even finance my college abroad? What if she doesn't? What if I get stuck here all over again and watch people leave... like I did before? That WILL call for a suicide attempt... I assure you.
anyway... enough of ranting... and to think I began this post by saying I cant write anymore!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
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