I am scared. I look at these long golu molu fingers with inch long nails painted red typing away on the keyboard, but I do not know who they belong to. The life force within me is on the verge of extinction. It feels like it has been cut up into several pieces like Voldemort's horcruxes, and I do not know where the others went, but this utterly diminished one that still lives on inside me hides in some dark corner and watches with amazement as this alien body works independently. Its quite simple really, you can create horcruxes by killing. For every kill a piece of you detaches itself from your body(not literally of course!). And what happened here was every time I was struck down a part of me died or detached itself from me and went away.
The anxiety attack hasn't stopped since the utter breakdown last night, it was just suppressed till I was busy, waiting just beneath the surface, dying to break through once the mind was free, and it did. And as I turned away with a very tough sounding 'okay bye', a pit opened up in my stomach and my hands shook.
When did this happen? when did I land up here? Nights have always been bad, due to the lack of sleep. But never this bad. The hours pass by listening to music that literally hurts the ears, and yet feels so soothing at the same time, or staring at the flame of the candle inside the pretty glass with white, round designs on it, or watching some horror/thriller movie or gossip girl episodes on the comp while my eyes burn from the smoke of the bleeding expensive extra mild smokes.
At least tonight I have the ability to write, the other nights don't even grant me that. there's just darkness, outside and inside, and an unnatural calm that nothing can shatter.
If you ask me for reasons I cant give you solid ones really, they're all rather vague. The most concrete one of them is thankfully coming to an end(I think), but it too has left a lot of scars that need to heal. Apart from that there's a lot of vicarious pain and a deep rooted fear of losing one of my pillars. And the constant reminder from my mother as to what a bad daughter I am and how she curses the day I was born.
Big deal, so I cant be the ideal daughter! GO DEAL WITH IT! But I refuse to resort to hypocrisy for achieving my ends, I'd rather be bluntly honest, thankyouverymuch!
So at the end of the day when I look at myself in the mirror I come across this failure looking back at me. One who lost out on an opportunity of a lifetime. And I dont think this wound will ever heal. And I don't think my mom will ever understand the fact that when I lost U.K, my childhood dream, I lost more than just an education abroad. I lost a part of my life. I lost something I had been working towards from the ninth standard. I lost my ray of hope that saw me through the final days of the twelfth standard. In my mind I was already living there... believe it or not I even had a routine chalked out about how i would spend my weekends! And then the tables turned, and I watched people leave Kolkata and go while I stayed behind. And believe me... it easier to bear it when you're the one leaving, but if you're staying behind, then God save you from that feeling. And now once again I'll have someone one going off too, and that will leave me crumbled inside from a lot of angles. Firstly because she's one of the pillars who's holding me up, and second because I'll feel that sense of being left behind once again.
People keep telling me that I'll go to U.K for my post grad and things will be fine. I'll live my dream. But I have this ominous feeling inside me which says its not happening. And my gut feeling usually proves right. So once again at the end of three years when the two people who made JUDE home for me will leave, I'll stay behind to be haunted my their memories in the University, because apparently JUDE is the best deal in the country for a post grad programme if you're looking for an academic career. And while I am looking for one, the two above mentioned people intend to take up different courses for their masters.
Sometimes when I walk down the street I have this gnawing feeling inside me which tells me that I'm worthless. I'm just another face lost in the crowd, people pass me by without taking a second look. I have to change that. If there's one thing I'm scared of the most, its being lost in the crowd. I HAVE to stand out! I NEED to stand out! I need to leave a legacy behind, people need to know me before I'm dead. Otherwise whats the point? To have lived and died like thousand others and not having left a mark behind? not having made a difference?
Do I sound too over ambitious? Maybe I am. But when I lost out on U.K I made a promise to myself to make something out of my life here. And that's exactly what I'm trying to achieve. All the extra curricular activities I'm involved in, its like this one ray of sanity I'm clutching onto. Without it I don't know what I would do.
