Loss

Losing everything you've written over the last 2 to 3 years feels like losing a child. I feel so empty right now... like a mother who's just suffered a miscarriage tending to her empty womb. Its like, a part of me is gone... forever.

Thoughts of an Insomniac

Its 4:36 am in the morning, I have to be out of bed by 8:30 and in the University by 11. Now if you were in my shoes wouldn't you have been in bed already for like... 4 hours? But what do I do? I sit here writing blogs. I'm not even sure of what I'm writing right now really. There's no coherence in my head. I fight really hard to keep some things under a lid, but at times they escape, and the timing is always perfect! I feel angry right now! Angry for having indulged in intense conversations and dwelt on things I should have been ignoring! I mean honestly! is this the time? I'm going to be late tomorrow morning, because I will miss my alarm, then I will suffer from anxiety because I'm late and finally totter into class drunk from lack of sleep! Such a pretty picture! I should just kill myself!

I'd like to make something clear. I hate the milk producing mammal and I hate the hairy ape she dated! I dont care if my hatred is based on someone else's lies, all I know is it is too potent and I cant even begin reasoning with myself when it comes to this. Emotions arent things that go out of your system like potty, and hate is a very powerful emotion. Maybe I'm incredibly stupid because I dont believe in theories like realize what actually happened and move on and be indifferent to all of it, but its who I am. As an individual I have certain ways and methods and defense mechanisms of dealing with things.

Strength isnt always in fighting back. It requires an enormous amount of strength to keep everything inside as well. And as evil and stupid some people are, no one escapes karma. You build relationships on someone else's tears, those relationships break. You manipulate someone because you know they love you, you end up deprived of love as well.

Go ahead and live in an imaginary world where I wronged you and you were just unfortunate to come across someone who turned out just like the rest and betrayed you too. But surely even you must have some part of yourself telling you that it knows the truth!

Just to be sure no one is in any doubt anymore... I repeat... The girl I used to know died a long time ago... the monster that took its place I heartily despise!

Good Night!

A moment of clarity
and you realize your reality
is nothing but a farce
that you use
to amuse yourself

just lies and pasted smiles
meaningless words and pretended moods

But its all coming down
a little bit
every day

Its crumbling...
crumbling...
crumbling...

Closure

Let me tell you something about myself. I have been angry for quite some time now. Actually anger would be an understatement, I have been furious, covered up to my neck in rage, the kind of rage that turns you into a sadist, makes you imagine horrible things happening to people who've hurt you, and you standing there with a scorn on your lips. And I hate it, and I'm tired of it. This is not me, I miss my sweet, naive and devastatingly optimistic self. I miss the person who used to make others believe that you can overcome glitches in your friendships and relationships, that in the end love makes forgiving easy, and that bonds dont have to break. But then one of my most important and cherished bonds broke, and it left a cynical mind and a dead body behind. At first I was amazed at how fast I'd recovered this time, heck! one night! that's a record right? But now that I look back the only thing I managed to do was repress the hurt to such a degree that I fooled myself into believing it doesnt exist. But it does, only thing is the pain has morphed itself into uncontrollable rage. And I'm tired, tired of being angry all the time. And the reason that I still have so much resentment filled in me is because I never got closure. I just sat there staring at a computer screen while my world fell to pieces. I didnt get to shout, or speak my mind. Well I am going to now, because I want to let go of the anger and move on. I want to be indifferent to this. And in the end this probably wont work, and a degree of sadism will remain, like it remains for the handful of people I hate with all my strength, but maybe this boiling rage, this feeling of having been wronged will go away.

I had psychology for my extra departmental course this semester, and thanks to it I came across a term called projection, it means projecting all your shortcomings and faults onto another person. And it instantly made me think of you, because that is what you did to me. You said I love victimizing myself, and that it is apparent in my blogs, my status updates and my narration to others. You said I never loved you but did whatever I did for you for one and a half years just because I thrived on the fact that I was so important to you.First of all, have you taken a good look at your life? Your entire life has been a web of lies, illusions that you believed so hard in that you made me believe in them as well. And I would have believed in them forever, despite getting to know the opposite everyday, if you hadnt done what you did. But why should I ignore reality anymore? Your entire existence is nothing but a cry for pity. And you my dear, are the last person who has a right to judge me on that ground. My only fault was I chose to talk to friends instead of going insane or popping pills continuously. That doesnt help much does it? I've seen enough to know the results. You think I thrived on the fact that I felt important in your life? Let me tell you something, you thrived because you knew you were so important to me. If I was the one thriving on importance then I would have taken you for granted and not the other way round. I'll tell you what actually happened. You kept telling me stories about how people always leave you, and you were waiting for me to leave too, to continue that perfect streak, to tell later people stories about me, but when I refused to give up you got irritated, projected all you faults and shortcomings on me and left instead.

I do not believe in delusions, hence I will not say I hate you. I love you, and a part of me will always love you, its just that I've stopped listing to that part of me. That girl that I fell in love with died. She only exists in my memory and imagination now. And when I retreat into my mind and find her, she's still just as lovable, just as capable of making my eyes fill up with happy tears. But the one that roams around in her skin in the University is nothing but a monster, and I hate her.

Right, now that that is off my chest... I have a show tomorrow, I will go do more important stuff now.

Not knowing what to do with yourself at 5 in the morning sucks... This is why I hate exam time! My entire cycle goes Topsy-turvy! I go to sleep at 6 in the morning and wake up somewhere around 4. Which is cool, given my obsession with vampires, but I bet vampires don't get anxiety attacks due to exams, and don't read such dreadfully boring stuff like Oroonoko! Aphra Behn! If you were alive I'd make a gujju behn out of you( I don't know why thats relevant, I'm just bored) and kill you! BLOOODY!

Dear Moomoo

I often have very weird realizations, and by realizations I do not mean that these things that I realize have previously been unknown to me. Its just that sometimes the enormity of it just hits me in the face... with a resounding THWACK! SO this is what hit me today... that you really do love me so much. I cant tell you what it feels like to suddenly realize that there is someone out there who looks out for you, looks up to you and turns to you to share her problems, her secret pleasures... her life. I love you so much! Thank you... for everything... =)

Long time no see...

Dear Blog,
I haven't seen you for quite some time! Missed me? Well I didn't miss you, in fact I was trying to bubble wrap your existence and shove it deep inside me like I do with so many other things that I don't want to face, because you remind me of things, relationships... that are dead. God knows I've wanted to write... very badly at times... but then I remembered accusations and stayed away from you. But everyone needs to move on, or least create the illusion of moving on... hence I have come to acknowledge your presence... because frankly dear... I don't care any longer what anyone thinks of my blogs.

I haven't mourned for something that was a big part of my life. One night... that's all I allowed myself. One night of hysterical crying, breathing problems and anxiety attacks. One night. The next morning I looked at myself in the mirror and vowed that I wont shed another tear for someone who doesn't deserve it. But I held myself back from blogging because those accusations were still swirling in my head. Well... today I truly free myself from those bonds.

You wont hold me back. Not any longer. I've suffered enough for you.

The Gushing Blog!

You make me incredibly angry sometimes! I'm sure your'e aware of that! And then there are times you make me realize how much I LOVE you! And at times like these I feel like my heart will burst with love for you! =D Yes I know I sound incredibly cheesy! And your'e probably rolling your eyes reading this! But one doesn't always have the luxury my love! So let me enjoy this! =)

I love you! SOOOOO much!

And I am veary veary( yes the typo is intended) proud of you!

My teddy bear!

<3

Gobhir Raater Ranting...

I have been dancing for the last 2 and a half hours. Practicing Kathak alone, without a tabla, with a weird modern song feels clownish and I'm sure it even looks clownish. I know the order in my head, I do the steps perfectly on sundays during dance class. But somehow for the past 2 and a half hours I have felt incredibly clumsy and dumb. I cant do the simplest of steps, I froze midway my routine for at least 5 times... I dont know what is wrong with me. I have given up for now. On the last attempt I did thankfully remember the order, but the movements had no grace whatsoever, and the most obvious thing... I wasnt smiling. And starting from tomorrow I'm going to be screamed at for that till the next show is over. I wish he would understand we've always been instructed by our teacher to give looks to the audience and maintain a haughty expression,do things which are called Nakhra at times, but never smile, and that too what he demands is not a smile, the description, which when he provides or sometimes demonstrates is that of a laugh. I cant do that. It doesnt come to me. AT ALL. Also... I have no solid food in my system. My right cheek is stuck to my right gum and I cant chew any solids... So until I visit the dentist, which'll probably be friday, I'm on a liquid diet. Now the good thing about it is I have lost 2.5 kilos in 2 days. The bad part is my body has nothing to derive energy from, and while I dont feel that at normal times, I do feel that when I'm dancing continuously for 2 hours.

Its also been a very depressing day, due to reasons unknown. I cheered up for a brief span at night though, but then I made the mistake of telling the person concerned that she had bettered my mood, which for some reason she found unacceptable,and signed off saying I'm daft. My mood spiraled down into dungeons again.

So Ideally I should have been asleep now, because God knows if I'm depriving my body of food I should at least give it some rest! But then there was so much work to do. And its 4:30 and I've only done 3/4ths of it. But I cant work anymore. Its not that I'm particularly sleepy. But I'm tired. I've been neglecting Japanese these past few night. I shouldnt be. I still dont have Hiragana down.

Whoever's reading this... you ever have one of those days when nothing in particular depresses you but suddenly the world seems like a gloomier place? Like every matter you turn your attention to seems negative? Why didnt it work out? Why isnt it working out? But wouldnt I run if it actually did work out? Do I deserve either of them? Will he win tomorrow? Why on Earth am I worried about that? So many questions playing havoc inside your head! But no answers... absolutely no answers.

I will go lie down now... and try to sleep.

Love

I fell in love with him
I fell in love with her
I didn't fall out of love with anyone though
I think.
What a tragedy!

I'd like to think I've moved on from him.
His words don't make me swoon anymore
My insides don't dry up from his absence
and yet
when he passes by
I realize
a part of my heart
will always be his =)
And no... it doesn't hurt...
not anymore
Is that moving on?
I don't know...

I don't even make an effort to pretend
that I have moved on from her
because I haven't
and it will take time
and yes
sometimes...
it hurts.
But its no one's fault
really.

I don't deserve any one of them though...
He's the captured perfection of another era...
every woman's dream
a poet and a poem in himself.

She's perfection playing hide and seek
in your grasp a second
flowing out like sand the other
She's thunder
She's rain
She's the most exquisite pain...

And me?
Sigh...

Night time poetry

You came like a gust of wind,
A torrent of rain,
A sea of flowers
And I drowned
In your laughter
In your beauty
In your love.

At times like these,
When I sit alone
I think of you.
And I wonder
If you think of me too?

I loved you
With all I had
Until this heart ran dry.
And now
I can hear it cracking
But I don’t know
Why I cant cry.

You came like a drop of rain
To this parched soul
To this tired mind.
We laughed,
We loved,
We lived,
It ended.
I died.

You were like a song,
A poem,
A dream.
That I sang,
I wrote,
I lived.

But the dream changed,
I left
And I died.

This heart longs for you at times,
This soul screams out your name,
It’s an almost physical ache,
And I double over
With the pain
The emptiness.

And every night,
Not unlike tonight,
A little bit
I die…

onek din pore likhlam...

Moner maajhe eto koshto
Aar baire jogot ondhokar
Eto koshto lokai kothae?
Ei aadhare tomae khuje berai kothae?
Amar chokher joler rong laal
Kintu se tumi aar dekhle koi?
Tumi toh dekhte chaona kichu
Dekhle jodi bhul bhaange?