Thoughts of an Insomniac....

So there was this time when I used to be a pretty sensitive character, I used to feel hurt when something bad happened with me or when things went downhill with a close friend, but sometime during last year I realized that I'd crossed my limit. So I got up one morning and told myself I wont suffer anymore, wont shed any more tears and wont let anything affect me. After that I just plunged headlong into work, put in extra effort for TOEFL, stayed back at Chopra's for entire days in order to attain perfection, in short I overworked myself so much that my friends feared it would affect my health. But work is like therapy for me really, its how I escape from all the unpleasant things. At that point of time I kept telling myself that nothing mattered more than UK, that I'd get into a good university and leave India and let all my bad experiences stay behind. It was my personal silver lining.I still remember how happy I was the day when school ended once and for all. Though at that point I was so numb that I was incapable of feeling anything. Everything was working fine for me. My TOEFL results were highly satisfactory, I'd got conditional acceptances from four top universities and I was working hard for ISC. But when has happiness ever lasted in my life? Just after exams got over we made this trip to Hyderabad, where I learned my dad was terminally ill. I still remember the way it was broken to me, my cousin told me this fact, and then immediately followed it with this lecture of how I had to think of everyone in such a situation and I couldnt be selfish and yada yada yada... which basically boiled down to the fact that he thought I should give UK up. Anybody who knows me, and I mean REALLY knows me would never have asked that of me. My tears that night were for dad and for UK. You think I'm selfish? well you're welcome to your own interpretations, but for me giving up on my most cherished childhood dream, that too after I had worked on it ever since class 9 wasn't that easy. I still say that if only the matter was handled differently, if only my family had only asked me if I was ready to give it up, and not forced its decision on me, I would have felt differently about it. I mean I knew that the expenses for dad's treatment would be too much for my mom to send me to UK, but if only they had asked me,"Are you ready to stay back and study here?" , instead of telling me,"There's nothing to do, start looking at Kolkata colleges", things would have been way more different. When my results were out it didnt even matter to me anymore, I had the perfect percentage, it was just what the universities had asked for, all I had to do was mail them a copy of my marksheet and I'd be given a place at Leeds, York, Edinburgh and Wales, but how did it matter anymore? The last date for submission of the marksheet went by, Leeds even called me asking why I hadn't emailed them yet, but with a heavy heart I had to let it all go. After that I went into this coma like state, I used to roam the entire city submitting college forms all day and then come and shut myself up in my room. I know what was expected out of me at that time, tears, lamentation for dad's condition etc etc, but all I could give was the numb reaction. Everyone pointed a finger at me, said I had a heart of stone, but did anyone realize that perhaps the heart had just had too much to bear and could not take it any longer? Everyone saw the lack of tears, but did anyone see the pain in those dry eyes? UK was not only a study destination for me, it was my escape from a lot of things, and when I lost that escape and realized I'll have to stay right here, with all the memories and the people( whom I was bumping into in every college), I just slipped into depression. Whenever the tears came I pushed them back down and told myself I'd indulge in the luxury of tears later, but I did this so much that there came a time when I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. Crying is a rare phenomenon these days, once in a million nights there comes a night when I lose control, when I feel pain, when a few drops escape my eyes. So why am I writing all this now? when I've kept it inside me for so long? because tonight happens to be one of those nights... I know I should be grateful that I'm studying in JUDE, and I am, its the best deal I could have got in Kolkata, but that does not mean that I dont miss what could have been, and it would have been a hundred times better! There are times when I feel stifled, frustrated. Its true that I got a lot of compensations for staying back, The debating society, Sreejata, the return of my 'lotus' and the 'Idiot Boy', but even then, in a corner of my heart, the embers from the dream that was UK still burns....

I really miss dad sometimes, though my relatives think I positively cant, but I dont regret anything. Because my dad and I, we were two very different individuals, and if given a second chance I know for a fact that nothing would have been different. He'd still be comparing me to my friends who took up commerce, we'd still be fighting over my choice of subjects for studying in UK( English and History),and I'd still be scolding him for his bad habits. But that does not mean that I didnt love him, I did, but in my own way, and when he went away, he left this big hole in my life that no one else can fill. I know writing this blog wont make my mom stop telling me that I was responsible for my father's death whenever we fight, but I really dont care. If he is watching over me today, then he knows the truth, he knows how I feel, and thats all that matters.

Dreamer

This poem is very special to me, I've been meaning to put this up for ages now. I composed this in class 9 for the poetry event in Chairos Quiro(Qms fest)under the time limit of an hour and it got me the bronze medal! Enjoy....

You may say that I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one.
You may say that I'm a thinker,
but I'm not the only one.
Look around me and you will find-
thousands of others
all starry eyed,
nurturing hopes and dreams in their minds,
unaware and unaffected
by the complexities of life.

You say that I have no touch with reality,
You say that I have lost my mind.
But look around you,
can't you see?
so many, so alike?

You say I'm not an earthly being,
you say my mind flies high in the sky,
In your eyes
a prisoner am I,
because I choose to dream,
because I choose to let my spirit and mind fly,
but why do I bear your glance alone?
Can't you see the others cry?

Can't you hear them crying out,
Their voices filled with anguish and despair?
They want to leave behind earthly boundaries,
they want to dream,
they want to dare.

Then why just point a finger at me?
Why alone label me a dreamer?
look around you
there are thousands here
who want to follow my lead.
Are you blind?
Can't you see them,
the dreamers of the society?
They are crying out today
to tell you that I'm not alone,
and the title of a dreamer
by all of them shall be borne.

You may say that I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one.
You may say that I'm a thinker,
but I'm not the only one.
Look around me and you will find-
thousands of others
all starry eyed,
nurturing hopes and dreams in their minds,
unaware and unaffected
by the complexities of life.

A few lines composed (suddenly!) while revising Emma...

Perhaps none of it was intentional,
the talks
the looks
the laughing
and the nudging,
but the way it all fell into place
coupled with the isolation,
it just felt like
it was meant to be...

No... it wasn't your fault
and it certainly wasn't mine.
Fate's conspiracy perhaps
that threw us together
to see what we would make out of it.
One fell for the trap
the other walked away.

But i wouldn't give this up for the world,
the blushes
the smiles
the unconditional joy...
the way I relate every single love song
to that one memorable week...

No... it wasn't your fault
and it certainly wasn't mine,
and maybe...
we're not meant to have an end together,
but for me
the 'journey' mattered more.

Because I simply love this song!

A thousand desires such as these
A thousand moments to set this night on fire
Reach out and you can touch them
You can touch them with your silences
You can reach them with your lust
Rivers mountains rain
Rain against a torrid hill’s cape
A thousand
A thousand desires such as these

I loved rain as a child
As a lost young man
Empty landscapes
Bleached by a tired sun
And then
And then suddenly it came
Like a dark unknown woman
Her eyes scorched my silences
Her body wrapped itself around me
Like a summer without end

Pause me, hold me, reach me
Where no man has gone
Crossing the seven seas
With the wings of fire
I fly towards nowhere
And you
Rivers mountains rain
Rain against a scorched landscape of pain

'PREFACE' to a story I never wrote...

There was no Earth and no sky, only interminable darkness stretching on ahead of me for eternity, and I was steadily walking into it.She kept calling me, begging me to stop, her voice breaking with pain and desperation, but I walked on. The darkness came closer with each step and the voice grew faint.My heart was breaking into a thousand tiny bits. I wanted nothing more than to turn around and go back to her, but I knew that I must not.I must walk on and embrace the darkness. Every fiber of me cried out in protest; my vision was blinded with tears and my feet grew heavy.I realized I could not do it; I realized that in walking away from her I was walking away from my life.I stopped and turned around....

I woke up with tears in my eyes and her name on my lips.For a while I could not understand what had happened... where was she? Then I slowly looked around the room; at the crumpled sheets, at the naked body of the man lying beside me. I laid back on the pillow, a flimsy blanket provided by the hotel covering my nudity, as the events of the previous night came tumbling back.

There is often a very thin line between agony and ecstasy; perhaps only a difference of perspective.As I lay there then, I wasn't sure of what I felt.Agony for what I had done last night, or ecstasy for having proved my point; agony for what I had done to myself, or ecstasy for what I had done to her. A tear slid down the corner of my eye. 'Forgive me', I murmured, 'perhaps it wasn't meant to be'....

The one song that says everything I felt that night....

Iris, Goo Goo Dolls....

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you'll feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Getting Back

Everyone comes across a phase in their life when so much is happening around you that all you want to do is escape. It happened to me too, but I was lucky enough that someone actually gave me a chance to disappear for a week and leave everything behind. It felt like someone had turned the volume on the stereo down and everything was fading away in the background, the only reality that remained was the dream I was escaping into. So I let go of all pain, all qualms, irritating relatives and infuriating rules and rituals and took his hand and went away. Not everyone gets a chance like I did, I lived my fairytale week, felt my heart swell with love, felt the sunshine and indulged in an emotion that I thought I would never feel again. I guess a part of me was always aware that it would end, that I would have to come back and take charge of my mundane everyday life again, but I was too happy to pay attention to pending reality.

The week passed, my dream ended, and there I was, once again on the threshold of my bedroom. And for the first time in my life, I was not glad at the sight of it. Instead it felt so stifling. I wanted to rewind time and go back to Delhi again. I didn't want to be alone anymore, I wanted that week to last forever.Getting back had never been so difficult. I know wishful thinking gives no results, but I don't feel I have the strength to handle reality right now. I'll cling on to my memories, I'll live in my cocoon, I'll survive on those conversations we had, I'll smile to myself remembering the time we spent together. Don't ask me to open my eyes, don't ask me to stop feeling what I feel, for emotions never had a 'stop' button. I willingly drank from the poisoned chalice, and I'll have to suffer this exquisite agony.

A Poem of Love

You talk of the beauty of unrequited love,
and hold my gaze with those seductive eyes..
burning me, scorching me
'Stop', I cry, 'not again'!
But its too late
I'm already in love.

Plunged into a sea of agony and ecstasy,
nothing to hold onto except uncertainty,
burning in the heat of your voice..
drowning in the black of your hair..
'Stop', I cry, 'not again'!
But its too late
I'm already in love.

What magic did you work?
that altered me so much!
I feel myself shiver
even without your touch.
I feel like reaching out
and I feel like holding back,
the intensity heightens...
my heart, 'tis poisoned,
'Not again...please!'
But I'm already in love....

21st October, 2009

I guess a part of me knew that this was going to happen one day or another. But I tend to be an escapist when I find real life too tough to deal with. So I kept telling myself that there's time, until time finally ran out. I spent my bday 4 days ago, it was a really happy affair, and I was still in that content mood, and then suddenly everything went wrong. I was climbing the steps that would lead me out of Rabindra Sarobar metro, when the phone call came. And I immediately rushed downstairs and took the opposite metro back to Belgachia. Even on my way home I kept telling myself that it was'nt true, that I was going to enter my home and my mom would tell me that it was a false alarm. But I reached home only to have my world collapse around me.

For at least an hour and a half I didnt have the strength to do anything, but then that stifling feeling set in and all I wanted to do was talk to someone, someone who would understand how I felt. Thats when I let my friends know, so that even if one or two of them decided to come over, I'd get company for a while. I asked for one or two but 9 of them turned up, and for a while I escaped into this make believe cocoon where everything felt normal again. For after they left, once more I was left alone. Hours and hours of sitting and staring ahead of me, seeking answers but ending up with more questions. I feel tired to the bone but I cannot sleep. There's this feeling that I cannot explain. It feels like there's a dead weight on my chest that wont let me breathe. It feels like something is gnawing away at my chest. I feel the tears, but it never reaches my eyes, instead it dies in my throat and I'm left with a moan escaping my lips. I look back at previous incidents when I felt like no more could possibly go wrong with me, no more dreams would be taken away from me, no more pain would be inflicted on me, and feel like laughing. I've often lived under false pretences in order to protect myself from misery. But I've accepted one truth today, that mine is not a life of big smiles and happy memories. I've always scoffed at superstitions, but I no longer scoff at a certain one, the one that says that people born on a new moon night lead cursed lives.

Pain and Pleasure

I take ages to settle down into this coma like state where i can switch everything out of tune and carry on with my life in blissful ignorance....and then BANG! i spend a fabulous day which literally displaces my center of gravity.... makes me 'take off my shoes'.....and everything comes back to sharp focus...for ppl who understand wat i mean...dont get me wrong...its not like i dont want these kinda days....its just that...it has its pros and cons....pros include a smile which is pasted on my face for quite some time now...the strong urge to sing.....and excessive daydreaming!!and cons include...as i said before...becoming more sensitive to everything around me once again..meaning tht while the happiness is such tht sometimes i feel i'll burst with it...the pain..when it hits...is equally unbearable....these past two years have been pretty challenging...i lost a lot more than i gained...and things were snatched away from me at a point when i could almost taste it.... and it dosent help if a part of these past two years is strutting about my university in a string of pearls!!! because underneath all those layers of hatred....disgust and a maddening desire to kill..there's still a wound that hasnt healed....and i still cant decide whether i've emerged more vulnerable or invulnerable from all of it....problem is...when everything is in sharper focus...things tend to repeat themselves inside my head...and even simple everyday matters start making me feel guilty....and then there's this feeling in the pit of my stomach which makes me abandon Rimi Di's assignment and write this blog...even though i'm not even halfway through my work!!! so its really difficult to figure out what i want... the numb reverie where i pretty much dont feel anything...or this insane happiness with an equal dose of pain(when it comes).... perhaps...if only the reason for this mad elation was a part of my life and not only something i can observe from a distance....things would have been different.....

To Aphrodite

The first time you left, I hardly felt it. But now tht ur back and leaving again, somehow I cant handle it. I've been really down for quite some time now and I havent been able to figure out why, but I think i just realized it. We met on Shashti and had an amazing time together, but then I said bye and this sinking feeling set in. But still, I thought I'd get to spend another day with you before u leave, but now I'm not even getting tht. Dont get me wrong, I'm not complaining here, I'm just expressing myself.And maybe if I write this note then I'll finally stop crying!(or maybe not...). I know its the pujas and u have to meet a lot of people in a really short time span, but I really wish we had a day together before u left, just the two of us. Ever since class 8 u've been there for me always. We had our share of rough patches, but unlike other relations, the gap didnt alter our friendship at all, it grew stronger every single day, and still does. I'm glad tht I have at least one relation tht time never alters...but ripens! Thank u for everything Aphrodite... for being there for me every time I fell down and for helping me get back up on my feet again.For laughing with me and crying with me...and listening to every tiny thing tht i had to say and solving my problems(over the phone),even in another city. For understanding me or at least trying to understand me while others took a narrow minded approach. For encouraging me in everything tht I'm good at and giving me a rib cracking hug everytime I brought a medal back! For making me feel so loved and important. Its a pretty tough life...what with ppl who u trust constantly backstabbing u and ur dreams being taken away from u when u can almost taste them! But it would have been so much worse without my fairy godmother...my best friend...my sister...my mother...my daughter.... without u...

With love,
Dipabali.