My Rain Person...

If you were to ask me as to what the rain means to me, I'd probably not be able to give you an answer. Because the emotions that rain or a storm evokes in me is not something I can put down in words, it can only be felt. But I could tell you of this other person to whom the rains mean the same thing. She could probably put it down in words for you, she's the best writer I have come across in a long long time. :)

Today when it started raining the first thing I did was message her. 1 simple message which said... 'brishti porche!' followed by a smiley. There was a time when I could have been sure that the rains would remind her of me as well. But I don't know if I ought to still have that level of confidence. Maybe I am being delusional, maybe what meant so much to me did after all mean nothing to her. But then again there's this voice at the back of my mind which says its not possible. How long did we have together? 2 months max... but can the depth of friendship be measured by time alone? And if time is a criteria... then what of those numerous afternoons spent in ccd talking and ordering the same foodstuff day after day? what of those trips to dakhinapan and getting high on six rounds of slushee? the nights spent on gtalk talking about nothing in particular?

When you've done so much in 2 months, it is a little difficult to just wake up one day and realize its not there any longer. The metaphorical hole that has developed in your heart wont fill itself in with logic such as 'its over. Get on with it.'

You poured too much of you into my life. Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I see a clear reflection of you in myself there. You've affected a lot of things about me... do you realize? the way I dress... the chunky jewelery, the bangles. Half the stuff I wear these days was either bought by you or selected by you. You ask me to forget that you exist... but what do I do with these pieces of you that you left behind?

Think of this as another nyaka post if you must. But the simple truth is that I miss you and I miss being the person I used to be when I was with you.

I'll wait, till you either turn around... or walk away. You see, I keep my promises, it wont ever be me who walked away(as if I could even if i tried!). Bleh!

Must go take a bath now. Term paper due on friday!!!

Multiple Personality Disorder

Its like the last 2 or 3 days I didn't exist. Dipabali didn't exist. I felt like I was having an out of body experience, I could actually see myself from a distant view, like I was looking in on someone Else's life.

I lost my head, went bonkers, did things Dipabali would never do. But then last night I had this epiphanic moment when I realized this isn't me. I don't give up, I don't not acknowledge people just because we're having a rough patch, I don't lose hope, I don't vent my anger, I don't try alternate ways of dealing with pain, I don't think negative. I'm the kind who believes that faith can move mountains, love can wash away hate, people DO come back. I'm the kind who finds a positive aspect in every negative situation. I'm the kind who waits but never loses hope.

So today morning I went back to being me. I faced the mess of my life instead of running away from it. I smiled without the expectation that I would get one back. I looked with love despite the facade of hate that stared back at me. I made conversation, even if I received monosyllabic replies most of the time.

What I realized over the last 2 days is that rebelling against the way I'm made is probably the worst thing I can do to myself. I maybe soft, vulnerable, petrified and emotionally driven, but somewhere deep down I like myself for those qualities. I dont want to be a person who dosent care, who would go to any heights to ease the pain, who would lose all hope, who would fill her insides up with so much bitterness that she'd forget how to love. And I was doing exactly that till yesterday.

Yes I love easy, yes I dig pits for myself, yes I get irrationally attached to certain people, yes I sometimes invite pain. But would you like me if I was any different? I know I wouldn't.

I love myself, with all my flaws. And I know I'll take a little time to forgive myself for the debacle of the last 2 days, but I eventually will. And all those people whom I hold dear( you know who you are! dont make me take names!), I hope you do too.

Yes, It's good to be back. =D

Yes Ma... its all my fault! Can I GO DIE in peace now?

I found a way out!!

I found a way out of this... Dunno if this was such a good idea... But I don't think anyone will find it! I feel lighter now! yay!

The other voice....

Haven't you had enough...
Within and without?
Come to me now
let me take over
indulge a little
you deserve this...

Let the wild laughter loose,
the nails dig in,
the red flow,
the flesh tear.

Feels nice doesn't it?
to listen to me
and let that sane, reasoning voice die?

But was it my fault?
IS it my fault?

It doesn't matter anymore...

Is this right?
Its late...
I should go now,
they're worried.

NO!
Stay...
It doesn't matter
not tonight.

Feel the cool night breeze,
watch the empty streets...
Its not that late after all.

Ignore the calls,
let the pain sink in
stay awhile
you've decided to give in after so long...

There is a hole...

There is a hole
that is growing
that is bleeding
and it wont stop
till my heart bleeds to death.

Maybe then
the pain will stop.

These violent delights have violent ends...

These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss, consume.

Right?

WRONG.

Sometimes there is no death,
there's just an abyss of dark pain.
It flows through your veins like poison and turns you black from the inside.
And the heart,
which is already black from remembering,
from hoping, from loving, from losing...
starts spilling black blood onto your insides.
drip drip drip.

The poison isnt restricted to your veins anymore.
Its spreading throughout your body,
its in your organs,
in your eyes,
in your throat.

Its oozing out from every pore in your body,
but no one can see it,
no one can feel it,
apart from you.

You alone are cursed with the pain,
because you have dared to love.

Sometimes there are days
rather nights
when the ipod isnt loud enough
to drown the voices screaming in my head.

Sometimes
no matter how fast I walk
the shadows of my thoughts
wont leave me alone.

There is something in there
that is already sinking
it wont stay afloat for long
I wish I knew what it was.

Happy Day.

When the day began I was thoroughly depressed. Last night's thoughts had still not left me, the crying bout had ended but the emotions, the thoughts... had remained. I had just had 2 hours of sleep last night. I cant remember the last time the insomnia business was this bad. To add to all of this, I was having a bad hair day. (How much worse can things get?). So when I dragged my feet to the bathroom in order to have a bath and then get ready for college, I wasn't feeling right inside.

As usual I was the first... oh no wait... second in class. I think Piyali was already there. I met Anwesha on the way, accompanied her to her department, came back and then sat reading in the classroom. Somehow even reading couldn't distract me much.

Day progressed, Sreejata and I made a trip to south city, this cheered me up a little, but IND and LATOA papers were waiting! Why on Earth am I stuck with a 5.5? why? What is wrong with me? Are my brains flying away bit by bit or did I get into JUDE by mistake?

But that was the end of the bad part. A.Lal reminded me that I had to talk to him regarding my topic while giving me my paper. So later that afternoon I returned to his office to try my luck once again and prayed to God that I wouldn't blank out like last time. But what wonders! Either Bhagwan ne meri sunli or he must have been in a bad mood the last time I visited him. HE APPROVED OF MY TOPIC! YAY! Memoirs of a Geisha... here I come! I came out of his office with this wide smile! Rudrani says I overreact... but what the heck? I was happy after a very depressing night!

We had one and a half hour to spare, a ccd wouldn't have been possible... so we did a slushy! There is something about going to Dakhinapan and having slushy that makes me really happy! We took an auto to the place, while mango and orange ice lollies happily dribbled down our sweaty palms. I believe Rudrani even got a brainfreeze!

Then there was the jewelery thingy. She bought me a pair of earrings and herself a necklace, all the while complaining that I have turned her into a girl who loves shopping :)

After this came the slushy business. Someone had said... aami chota slushee khaabo!... but we had only 3te.. but the point being that it still adds up to 6! And paratha and omlette along with that.

By this time we were thoroughly filled, so we decided to walk back to campus, but wait... it dosent end here! Bahar betha tha beguni man! We bought duto gorom gorom beguni and happily gorged on it while walking back to campus.

Debating society was interesting as always, especially because it was Sushant Bhaiya's farewell today and he treated us to ice cream!(double scoop).

Tarpor came the rickshaw ride. Two golgal people in a rickshaw. Yes we do pity the rickshaw wala... but we have too much fun during the ride to give it up! And henceforth we have decided that Monday shall be the rickshaw ride and Volvo day for us. Conversation... some deep and some that made us laugh! All the while both of us were balanced half on the seat and half on the handle, but who cares? Its pretty comfortable actually... feels like sitting next to a teddy bear.

Then she walked home and I boarded the Volvo.

I was smiling throughout the ride today. I felt happy. I felt content. Its amazing how a day can start out in such an awful manner and end with happiness. Sometimes the littlest things in life are all you need to experience undiluted joy. A good friend, mad times, hours of meaningful and meaningless conversation, a few bumpy rides, kacha aam! That's all I need to be happy. :) I know I'm being a little selfish... but I need this.

P.S: I cant help it is this is a nyaka post according to you! Bleh! :)

Mina Kumari's Birthday....

It's my Mina Kumari's birthday today.
That makes me happy! :)

AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

So a few days ago someone really close to me said... 'You're ugly! Go die!'... I brushed it off then. I retorted... No I'm not... in a very defiant voice. I thought my denial would be the end of the matter. But clearly, it affected me much more than I thought. I know what you'll say... that you shout at people when you're angry and say things that you don't mean, but that doesn't work as reason enough to stop myself from feeling this way. I didn't write about this for the longest time, even though it would have helped, it would have let me get it out of my system and not torture me every once in a while like poison running through my veins. But I didn't, thinking that you would see this. But I have decided I don't care. Fine, I get it you were angry, but does your anger give you the right to say something this demeaning to someone? Does your anger give you the right to HURT me? You didn't care as to what you were saying... so why should I care as to whether you will read this or not? I DON'T! And now that I have this out of my system, what you said wont bother me any longer too. Period.