Thoughts of an Insomniac....

So there was this time when I used to be a pretty sensitive character, I used to feel hurt when something bad happened with me or when things went downhill with a close friend, but sometime during last year I realized that I'd crossed my limit. So I got up one morning and told myself I wont suffer anymore, wont shed any more tears and wont let anything affect me. After that I just plunged headlong into work, put in extra effort for TOEFL, stayed back at Chopra's for entire days in order to attain perfection, in short I overworked myself so much that my friends feared it would affect my health. But work is like therapy for me really, its how I escape from all the unpleasant things. At that point of time I kept telling myself that nothing mattered more than UK, that I'd get into a good university and leave India and let all my bad experiences stay behind. It was my personal silver lining.I still remember how happy I was the day when school ended once and for all. Though at that point I was so numb that I was incapable of feeling anything. Everything was working fine for me. My TOEFL results were highly satisfactory, I'd got conditional acceptances from four top universities and I was working hard for ISC. But when has happiness ever lasted in my life? Just after exams got over we made this trip to Hyderabad, where I learned my dad was terminally ill. I still remember the way it was broken to me, my cousin told me this fact, and then immediately followed it with this lecture of how I had to think of everyone in such a situation and I couldnt be selfish and yada yada yada... which basically boiled down to the fact that he thought I should give UK up. Anybody who knows me, and I mean REALLY knows me would never have asked that of me. My tears that night were for dad and for UK. You think I'm selfish? well you're welcome to your own interpretations, but for me giving up on my most cherished childhood dream, that too after I had worked on it ever since class 9 wasn't that easy. I still say that if only the matter was handled differently, if only my family had only asked me if I was ready to give it up, and not forced its decision on me, I would have felt differently about it. I mean I knew that the expenses for dad's treatment would be too much for my mom to send me to UK, but if only they had asked me,"Are you ready to stay back and study here?" , instead of telling me,"There's nothing to do, start looking at Kolkata colleges", things would have been way more different. When my results were out it didnt even matter to me anymore, I had the perfect percentage, it was just what the universities had asked for, all I had to do was mail them a copy of my marksheet and I'd be given a place at Leeds, York, Edinburgh and Wales, but how did it matter anymore? The last date for submission of the marksheet went by, Leeds even called me asking why I hadn't emailed them yet, but with a heavy heart I had to let it all go. After that I went into this coma like state, I used to roam the entire city submitting college forms all day and then come and shut myself up in my room. I know what was expected out of me at that time, tears, lamentation for dad's condition etc etc, but all I could give was the numb reaction. Everyone pointed a finger at me, said I had a heart of stone, but did anyone realize that perhaps the heart had just had too much to bear and could not take it any longer? Everyone saw the lack of tears, but did anyone see the pain in those dry eyes? UK was not only a study destination for me, it was my escape from a lot of things, and when I lost that escape and realized I'll have to stay right here, with all the memories and the people( whom I was bumping into in every college), I just slipped into depression. Whenever the tears came I pushed them back down and told myself I'd indulge in the luxury of tears later, but I did this so much that there came a time when I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. Crying is a rare phenomenon these days, once in a million nights there comes a night when I lose control, when I feel pain, when a few drops escape my eyes. So why am I writing all this now? when I've kept it inside me for so long? because tonight happens to be one of those nights... I know I should be grateful that I'm studying in JUDE, and I am, its the best deal I could have got in Kolkata, but that does not mean that I dont miss what could have been, and it would have been a hundred times better! There are times when I feel stifled, frustrated. Its true that I got a lot of compensations for staying back, The debating society, Sreejata, the return of my 'lotus' and the 'Idiot Boy', but even then, in a corner of my heart, the embers from the dream that was UK still burns....

I really miss dad sometimes, though my relatives think I positively cant, but I dont regret anything. Because my dad and I, we were two very different individuals, and if given a second chance I know for a fact that nothing would have been different. He'd still be comparing me to my friends who took up commerce, we'd still be fighting over my choice of subjects for studying in UK( English and History),and I'd still be scolding him for his bad habits. But that does not mean that I didnt love him, I did, but in my own way, and when he went away, he left this big hole in my life that no one else can fill. I know writing this blog wont make my mom stop telling me that I was responsible for my father's death whenever we fight, but I really dont care. If he is watching over me today, then he knows the truth, he knows how I feel, and thats all that matters.