Pain and Pleasure

I take ages to settle down into this coma like state where i can switch everything out of tune and carry on with my life in blissful ignorance....and then BANG! i spend a fabulous day which literally displaces my center of gravity.... makes me 'take off my shoes'.....and everything comes back to sharp focus...for ppl who understand wat i mean...dont get me wrong...its not like i dont want these kinda days....its just that...it has its pros and cons....pros include a smile which is pasted on my face for quite some time now...the strong urge to sing.....and excessive daydreaming!!and cons include...as i said before...becoming more sensitive to everything around me once again..meaning tht while the happiness is such tht sometimes i feel i'll burst with it...the pain..when it hits...is equally unbearable....these past two years have been pretty challenging...i lost a lot more than i gained...and things were snatched away from me at a point when i could almost taste it.... and it dosent help if a part of these past two years is strutting about my university in a string of pearls!!! because underneath all those layers of hatred....disgust and a maddening desire to kill..there's still a wound that hasnt healed....and i still cant decide whether i've emerged more vulnerable or invulnerable from all of it....problem is...when everything is in sharper focus...things tend to repeat themselves inside my head...and even simple everyday matters start making me feel guilty....and then there's this feeling in the pit of my stomach which makes me abandon Rimi Di's assignment and write this blog...even though i'm not even halfway through my work!!! so its really difficult to figure out what i want... the numb reverie where i pretty much dont feel anything...or this insane happiness with an equal dose of pain(when it comes).... perhaps...if only the reason for this mad elation was a part of my life and not only something i can observe from a distance....things would have been different.....