21st October, 2009

I guess a part of me knew that this was going to happen one day or another. But I tend to be an escapist when I find real life too tough to deal with. So I kept telling myself that there's time, until time finally ran out. I spent my bday 4 days ago, it was a really happy affair, and I was still in that content mood, and then suddenly everything went wrong. I was climbing the steps that would lead me out of Rabindra Sarobar metro, when the phone call came. And I immediately rushed downstairs and took the opposite metro back to Belgachia. Even on my way home I kept telling myself that it was'nt true, that I was going to enter my home and my mom would tell me that it was a false alarm. But I reached home only to have my world collapse around me.

For at least an hour and a half I didnt have the strength to do anything, but then that stifling feeling set in and all I wanted to do was talk to someone, someone who would understand how I felt. Thats when I let my friends know, so that even if one or two of them decided to come over, I'd get company for a while. I asked for one or two but 9 of them turned up, and for a while I escaped into this make believe cocoon where everything felt normal again. For after they left, once more I was left alone. Hours and hours of sitting and staring ahead of me, seeking answers but ending up with more questions. I feel tired to the bone but I cannot sleep. There's this feeling that I cannot explain. It feels like there's a dead weight on my chest that wont let me breathe. It feels like something is gnawing away at my chest. I feel the tears, but it never reaches my eyes, instead it dies in my throat and I'm left with a moan escaping my lips. I look back at previous incidents when I felt like no more could possibly go wrong with me, no more dreams would be taken away from me, no more pain would be inflicted on me, and feel like laughing. I've often lived under false pretences in order to protect myself from misery. But I've accepted one truth today, that mine is not a life of big smiles and happy memories. I've always scoffed at superstitions, but I no longer scoff at a certain one, the one that says that people born on a new moon night lead cursed lives.