Nightmare??

Every waking minute of my life, I mutter a silent prayer asking that I wake up, and all of this just turns out to be a nightmare!!!

But whom am I kidding? Nightmares don't last this long.... do they? HAHAHAHA =D

Amazing revelations....

I was going through my inbox today because I have over 2000 messages in it and my phone starts misbehaving whenever the number of messages crosses 2000. And then I came across these messages from you which actually said things like... I miss you... Awwlleee I love you!

Seems a little impossible now, eh? Considering you acknowledge me as much as you would acknowledge air.

Anyway... should get back to Untouchable... no matter how boring it is...

My lifelines....

I was reading the second book of The House of Night series today, its called Betrayed. A few minutes ago I read the part where the protagonist, Zoey's best friend Stevie Ray Johnson dies in her arms.

I still cant stop crying... and even a cup of very strong black coffee cant calm me down right now.

Aphrodite, Minu, Rudrani.... I'd die if anything ever happened to any of you.

I'll live with the walls, the fights, the distance... as long as all three of you are fine.

Love you.

My Rain Person...

If you were to ask me as to what the rain means to me, I'd probably not be able to give you an answer. Because the emotions that rain or a storm evokes in me is not something I can put down in words, it can only be felt. But I could tell you of this other person to whom the rains mean the same thing. She could probably put it down in words for you, she's the best writer I have come across in a long long time. :)

Today when it started raining the first thing I did was message her. 1 simple message which said... 'brishti porche!' followed by a smiley. There was a time when I could have been sure that the rains would remind her of me as well. But I don't know if I ought to still have that level of confidence. Maybe I am being delusional, maybe what meant so much to me did after all mean nothing to her. But then again there's this voice at the back of my mind which says its not possible. How long did we have together? 2 months max... but can the depth of friendship be measured by time alone? And if time is a criteria... then what of those numerous afternoons spent in ccd talking and ordering the same foodstuff day after day? what of those trips to dakhinapan and getting high on six rounds of slushee? the nights spent on gtalk talking about nothing in particular?

When you've done so much in 2 months, it is a little difficult to just wake up one day and realize its not there any longer. The metaphorical hole that has developed in your heart wont fill itself in with logic such as 'its over. Get on with it.'

You poured too much of you into my life. Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I see a clear reflection of you in myself there. You've affected a lot of things about me... do you realize? the way I dress... the chunky jewelery, the bangles. Half the stuff I wear these days was either bought by you or selected by you. You ask me to forget that you exist... but what do I do with these pieces of you that you left behind?

Think of this as another nyaka post if you must. But the simple truth is that I miss you and I miss being the person I used to be when I was with you.

I'll wait, till you either turn around... or walk away. You see, I keep my promises, it wont ever be me who walked away(as if I could even if i tried!). Bleh!

Must go take a bath now. Term paper due on friday!!!

Multiple Personality Disorder

Its like the last 2 or 3 days I didn't exist. Dipabali didn't exist. I felt like I was having an out of body experience, I could actually see myself from a distant view, like I was looking in on someone Else's life.

I lost my head, went bonkers, did things Dipabali would never do. But then last night I had this epiphanic moment when I realized this isn't me. I don't give up, I don't not acknowledge people just because we're having a rough patch, I don't lose hope, I don't vent my anger, I don't try alternate ways of dealing with pain, I don't think negative. I'm the kind who believes that faith can move mountains, love can wash away hate, people DO come back. I'm the kind who finds a positive aspect in every negative situation. I'm the kind who waits but never loses hope.

So today morning I went back to being me. I faced the mess of my life instead of running away from it. I smiled without the expectation that I would get one back. I looked with love despite the facade of hate that stared back at me. I made conversation, even if I received monosyllabic replies most of the time.

What I realized over the last 2 days is that rebelling against the way I'm made is probably the worst thing I can do to myself. I maybe soft, vulnerable, petrified and emotionally driven, but somewhere deep down I like myself for those qualities. I dont want to be a person who dosent care, who would go to any heights to ease the pain, who would lose all hope, who would fill her insides up with so much bitterness that she'd forget how to love. And I was doing exactly that till yesterday.

Yes I love easy, yes I dig pits for myself, yes I get irrationally attached to certain people, yes I sometimes invite pain. But would you like me if I was any different? I know I wouldn't.

I love myself, with all my flaws. And I know I'll take a little time to forgive myself for the debacle of the last 2 days, but I eventually will. And all those people whom I hold dear( you know who you are! dont make me take names!), I hope you do too.

Yes, It's good to be back. =D

Yes Ma... its all my fault! Can I GO DIE in peace now?

I found a way out!!

I found a way out of this... Dunno if this was such a good idea... But I don't think anyone will find it! I feel lighter now! yay!