Loss

Losing everything you've written over the last 2 to 3 years feels like losing a child. I feel so empty right now... like a mother who's just suffered a miscarriage tending to her empty womb. Its like, a part of me is gone... forever.

Closure

Let me tell you something about myself. I have been angry for quite some time now. Actually anger would be an understatement, I have been furious, covered up to my neck in rage, the kind of rage that turns you into a sadist, makes you imagine horrible things happening to people who've hurt you, and you standing there with a scorn on your lips. And I hate it, and I'm tired of it. This is not me, I miss my sweet, naive and devastatingly optimistic self. I miss the person who used to make others believe that you can overcome glitches in your friendships and relationships, that in the end love makes forgiving easy, and that bonds dont have to break. But then one of my most important and cherished bonds broke, and it left a cynical mind and a dead body behind. At first I was amazed at how fast I'd recovered this time, heck! one night! that's a record right? But now that I look back the only thing I managed to do was repress the hurt to such a degree that I fooled myself into believing it doesnt exist. But it does, only thing is the pain has morphed itself into uncontrollable rage. And I'm tired, tired of being angry all the time. And the reason that I still have so much resentment filled in me is because I never got closure. I just sat there staring at a computer screen while my world fell to pieces. I didnt get to shout, or speak my mind. Well I am going to now, because I want to let go of the anger and move on. I want to be indifferent to this. And in the end this probably wont work, and a degree of sadism will remain, like it remains for the handful of people I hate with all my strength, but maybe this boiling rage, this feeling of having been wronged will go away.

I had psychology for my extra departmental course this semester, and thanks to it I came across a term called projection, it means projecting all your shortcomings and faults onto another person. And it instantly made me think of you, because that is what you did to me. You said I love victimizing myself, and that it is apparent in my blogs, my status updates and my narration to others. You said I never loved you but did whatever I did for you for one and a half years just because I thrived on the fact that I was so important to you.First of all, have you taken a good look at your life? Your entire life has been a web of lies, illusions that you believed so hard in that you made me believe in them as well. And I would have believed in them forever, despite getting to know the opposite everyday, if you hadnt done what you did. But why should I ignore reality anymore? Your entire existence is nothing but a cry for pity. And you my dear, are the last person who has a right to judge me on that ground. My only fault was I chose to talk to friends instead of going insane or popping pills continuously. That doesnt help much does it? I've seen enough to know the results. You think I thrived on the fact that I felt important in your life? Let me tell you something, you thrived because you knew you were so important to me. If I was the one thriving on importance then I would have taken you for granted and not the other way round. I'll tell you what actually happened. You kept telling me stories about how people always leave you, and you were waiting for me to leave too, to continue that perfect streak, to tell later people stories about me, but when I refused to give up you got irritated, projected all you faults and shortcomings on me and left instead.

I do not believe in delusions, hence I will not say I hate you. I love you, and a part of me will always love you, its just that I've stopped listing to that part of me. That girl that I fell in love with died. She only exists in my memory and imagination now. And when I retreat into my mind and find her, she's still just as lovable, just as capable of making my eyes fill up with happy tears. But the one that roams around in her skin in the University is nothing but a monster, and I hate her.

Right, now that that is off my chest... I have a show tomorrow, I will go do more important stuff now.

Night time poetry

You came like a gust of wind,
A torrent of rain,
A sea of flowers
And I drowned
In your laughter
In your beauty
In your love.

At times like these,
When I sit alone
I think of you.
And I wonder
If you think of me too?

I loved you
With all I had
Until this heart ran dry.
And now
I can hear it cracking
But I don’t know
Why I cant cry.

You came like a drop of rain
To this parched soul
To this tired mind.
We laughed,
We loved,
We lived,
It ended.
I died.

You were like a song,
A poem,
A dream.
That I sang,
I wrote,
I lived.

But the dream changed,
I left
And I died.

This heart longs for you at times,
This soul screams out your name,
It’s an almost physical ache,
And I double over
With the pain
The emptiness.

And every night,
Not unlike tonight,
A little bit
I die…

Nightmare??

Every waking minute of my life, I mutter a silent prayer asking that I wake up, and all of this just turns out to be a nightmare!!!

But whom am I kidding? Nightmares don't last this long.... do they? HAHAHAHA =D

The other voice....

Haven't you had enough...
Within and without?
Come to me now
let me take over
indulge a little
you deserve this...

Let the wild laughter loose,
the nails dig in,
the red flow,
the flesh tear.

Feels nice doesn't it?
to listen to me
and let that sane, reasoning voice die?

But was it my fault?
IS it my fault?

It doesn't matter anymore...

Is this right?
Its late...
I should go now,
they're worried.

NO!
Stay...
It doesn't matter
not tonight.

Feel the cool night breeze,
watch the empty streets...
Its not that late after all.

Ignore the calls,
let the pain sink in
stay awhile
you've decided to give in after so long...

Sometimes there are days
rather nights
when the ipod isnt loud enough
to drown the voices screaming in my head.

Sometimes
no matter how fast I walk
the shadows of my thoughts
wont leave me alone.

There is something in there
that is already sinking
it wont stay afloat for long
I wish I knew what it was.

Blabberings of a terribly frustrated mind...

I feel...
Hurt
Humiliated
Scorned at
Pushed away
Helpless
Angry
Unloved.

I wish I could scream it all out like Masumi Makhija did in 'Maqbool' but I cant. The next level of depression for me is deadly calm. So no smashing objects, no screaming, just less talking, anxiety attacks and making animal sounds in an attempt to cry. If you dont want to read all this you can just leave the page, recently I have heard that my blog is a little hard to handle, well that's your problem, DEAL WITH IT! I need to blabber here at least, because I think I'm going back to the mode where I cant blabber to people any longer, so all this has to come out SOMEWHERE! And I prefer the blog to angry red marks, they maybe liberating but I refuse to go down in a self destructive vortex, thank you! Sometimes I wish the blog was a person, then even I would have someone to whom I could have talked about everything that is wrong, someone who would keep taking it as opposed to me taking it from people all the time! Someone I could walk away from and not the other way round! But whom am I kidding? The thing is.... I cant walk away, not even from an inanimate object! Yes, that is sad... But that is me! I cant help who I am! I'm the kind who thinks everything is her fault, I'm the kind who will never confront! I'm the kind whose rebellion will die down inside and never leave the lips! I'm the kind who would try to hold a friendship together till the last moment and not let things like ego come in between! I'm the kind who will forgive you know matter how much you have HURT me! Yes... its a rather painful life if you are made like that. You can change your exterior as much as you like, but you can never change the way you are from inside. All I can do for self defense is keep myself super busy so that I wont have time to think. And sometimes when it gets too much I start living in this bubble where nothing penetrates, but that never lasts long! Something happens, someone comes along, and BOOM! there goes your bubble! Then a short period of bliss, mad laughter, deep conversations, a happy heart, a beautiful friendship, a peaceful soul.... but for how long? For every smile there are tears*10... for every moment that your heart soars there are ages of when it will feel smashed to a million pieces... for every sentence that makes you feel loved there will be ten waiting that will make you feel humiliated. But how long does this go on? How long does a person keep taking it and not crack? Every time a person comes along who makes you feel as if for once you are understood, but in the end they break you worse than the last person did. But its all my fault, no one promised me anything, instead... I made the promises, so I have no right to complain.

It will always be me who will be left behind with a broken heart and tears while others walk away. FINE! I accept it. I cant fight anymore! I QUIT!