Need to rant...

I cant write anymore... When I first discovered blogging, it used to be the one place I could come back to and vent, or write happy things. My journals never survive, I always throw them away, coz after a while they bug me, bug me to such an extent that they set off panic attacks whenever I see them( or maybe its just my supposed GAD)... but whatever... point is... when I discovered blog-spot, I was so happy! Coz here was this one place where I could let it all out! But that stopped. Eventually I just clogged up once again. There are nights when I cant breathe, I cant move, when I sit paralyzed, thinking that the world is coming to an end, and I write... I write in my mind... but somehow, I cant write on my blog. Its nothing unnatural really, for a person like me. I wouldn't call myself an introvert, I am what is described in Bengali as 'chaapa'... I guess the literal translation of that would mean 'held down'? I dunno if that makes sense... but that's how I feel. I don't easily vent when I'm upset... I ALMOST never vent actually, because everyone has problems of their own right? Why burden the world with mine as well? I'm good for the listening part... not the venting part. But believe it or not I wasn't always like this. There was a time when I could... I would vent... when I could and I did cry, but that was ages ago! Then one fine morning I got up, looked at myself in the mirror and said... enough of this, people will not call you weak anymore!
I am perfectly capable of taking these random decisions, more like my sub conscious self keeps going over it for a long time and then passes it onto my conscious self... and BOOM! I have taken a decision! The same goes for my ability to shut down in the face of severe depression... I'll take all the pain,all the humiliation, all the shit that you dole out to me, and then one fine day after I have drowned completely... I will shut down, and walk around like a zombie. So that's what happened... and then I became this person who keeps taking it... taking it... taking it... who holds all her rage, frustration and panic down until none of it makes sense anymore... until the reasons have been forgotten... and all that is left is blind anxiety and a lot of pain... which in turn causes uncalled for depression...

I feel like I'm drowning sometimes... ALL THE TIME! And I'm desperately trying to clutch onto things... people... memories(?)... but all the while... I'm sinking a little further in... its like being stuck in a bog...

I guess certain things are supposed to happen at certain times... and then they don't... and that emptiness... the fact that it didn't happen... leaves you scarred for life... changes you in ways you don't like... I don't know how may times I've said this, But I need to... AGAIN! and I kinda don't care if ur rolling your eyes at the computer screen right now! back in class 12... rather after class 12... I was supposed to go to UK... It was one of those things that HAD to happen... and then it didnt. I look back at myself then... that strong ambitious girl who was ready to jump into that big adventure! Who was already living in UK in her mind... Sure she was broken down... sure she was hurt... but she had that spirit in her... the one that stays intact no matter what... the one that drives you. She was so sure of what she wanted... she had firm decisions made. But then I didn't go... and that broke me... scarred me... damaged me in ways I cant explain... There will always be this vast gaping hole in my life... the hole that was supposed to be UK... and nothing is ever going to fill that up. And then there's me now... indecisive, unsure of what she wants... trying to tell herself to live life one step at a time! BECAUSE SHE BLOODY HELL CANT DECIDE WHAT SHE WANTS! SHE DOESN'T HAVE A PLAN ANYMORE!AND THAT SUCKS! COZ SHE ALWAYS HAD A PLAN! ALWAYS! SHE HAD HER ACADEMIC LIFE CHALKED OUT! AND SHE DOESN'T ANYMORE!

I knew what I wanted... Five years in UK... undergrad and masters... and then research... that was the only undecided part... whether I'd do the research in India or in the UK. Though I was more inclined on India...

But then that dream broke... and I landed in JUDE... I think I see why JUDE had to happen now... Minu coming back, that only happened coz we constantly came across each other in the university, otherwise as much as I always secretly hoped, on the outside, I had given up hope... Finding Rudrani... And I think JUDE is also very much responsible for making me realize that I'm not a classical literature person... AT ALL... and that my true calling is Asian Literature... I discovered theater in JUDE... maybe I would have abroad as well... but its just one of those things that JUDE made me realize I have in me... So a huge thank you to JUDE for all those things... But yeah... UK not happening had its after effects. Back then I had it all figured out... I knew which University I'd be attending... now... I don't even know which country I want... whether I want UK( pro:childhood dream, con: they're more of old English specialists)... or US( Pro:They might be better equipped for someone who wants to study something as unheard of as Asian Literature, college life with Rudrani, Con: As emotionally driven as I am, will I be able to overcome that mental image of always wanting to make it to UK?)... BIG QUESTION: Will mum even finance my college abroad? What if she doesn't? What if I get stuck here all over again and watch people leave... like I did before? That WILL call for a suicide attempt... I assure you.





anyway... enough of ranting... and to think I began this post by saying I cant write anymore!

I LIVE WITH A BUNCH OF MORONS WHO HAVE NO RESPECT FOR MY NEEDS OR WANTS OR NECESSITIES WHATSOEVER! AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

The post that should never have been posted.

There are certain things that you just cant talk about. Some things you cant even write about in your blog. Some things you cant share with anyone else. Secrets, and the pain of these secrets, that must be borne alone. All you CAN do is beat about the bush on your blog hoping that this will provide some degree of relief from the constant feeling of nausea and the almost physical ache.

I had a secret that I didn't even want to repeat to myself, an epiphany which I should have never had, and the moment this realization struck me, I wrapped this information up in bubble wrap and stuffed it down deep within myself, so that nothing would harm it, but the constant screams echoing from it wouldn't reach my ears either. But today, when I was blackmailed into digging it out, unwrapping it and handing it over to the one person who should have never known, I figured it has actually been eating me away from the inside. I have hole in the pit of my stomach now... or at least that's what it feels like.

I tried... I tried to not think of it anymore, to wrap it back up and stuff it down that hole again. But my insides feel extremely scrambled right now, like someone took a wire hanger and made great sweeping motions with it, and now there is a storm raging within me, which wont subside that easily. I even tried exhausting myself so much that I'd not be able to listen to the howling inside, but that too didn't work.

So after dancing to like 5 songs and rehearsing 'shyamolo shundoro' for quite a long time, I finally decided to let some of it out, but the ironical part is, all this while I was pushing the tears back in, but now when I wanted to cry they wouldn't come. Happens with me all the time. Hence I am left utterly physically exhausted, to the point where I feel sick, and emitting weird animal noises.

Ideally this blog should never have been written, and come to think of it, it didn't help as much as I thought it would, but I didn't know what else to do. I'd love to rant to someone, cry to someone... but I cant. Not this time at least. Hence...

I messed up today... I should never have told you, but you blackmailed me very badly... even you would agree to that. But hey... I fulfilled your wish didn't I? =D
You very openly wanted this to happen. I am really tempted to quote what you always say! Heehee...

Well... enough of beating about the bush... I shall go vomit now... extremely nauseous... excuse me.

P.S. I will not entertain any questions on this matter. Go back and read first paragraph if you have a question.

Just Ranting...

I am scared. I look at these long golu molu fingers with inch long nails painted red typing away on the keyboard, but I do not know who they belong to. The life force within me is on the verge of extinction. It feels like it has been cut up into several pieces like Voldemort's horcruxes, and I do not know where the others went, but this utterly diminished one that still lives on inside me hides in some dark corner and watches with amazement as this alien body works independently. Its quite simple really, you can create horcruxes by killing. For every kill a piece of you detaches itself from your body(not literally of course!). And what happened here was every time I was struck down a part of me died or detached itself from me and went away.

The anxiety attack hasn't stopped since the utter breakdown last night, it was just suppressed till I was busy, waiting just beneath the surface, dying to break through once the mind was free, and it did. And as I turned away with a very tough sounding 'okay bye', a pit opened up in my stomach and my hands shook.

When did this happen? when did I land up here? Nights have always been bad, due to the lack of sleep. But never this bad. The hours pass by listening to music that literally hurts the ears, and yet feels so soothing at the same time, or staring at the flame of the candle inside the pretty glass with white, round designs on it, or watching some horror/thriller movie or gossip girl episodes on the comp while my eyes burn from the smoke of the bleeding expensive extra mild smokes.

At least tonight I have the ability to write, the other nights don't even grant me that. there's just darkness, outside and inside, and an unnatural calm that nothing can shatter.

If you ask me for reasons I cant give you solid ones really, they're all rather vague. The most concrete one of them is thankfully coming to an end(I think), but it too has left a lot of scars that need to heal. Apart from that there's a lot of vicarious pain and a deep rooted fear of losing one of my pillars. And the constant reminder from my mother as to what a bad daughter I am and how she curses the day I was born.

Big deal, so I cant be the ideal daughter! GO DEAL WITH IT! But I refuse to resort to hypocrisy for achieving my ends, I'd rather be bluntly honest, thankyouverymuch!

So at the end of the day when I look at myself in the mirror I come across this failure looking back at me. One who lost out on an opportunity of a lifetime. And I dont think this wound will ever heal. And I don't think my mom will ever understand the fact that when I lost U.K, my childhood dream, I lost more than just an education abroad. I lost a part of my life. I lost something I had been working towards from the ninth standard. I lost my ray of hope that saw me through the final days of the twelfth standard. In my mind I was already living there... believe it or not I even had a routine chalked out about how i would spend my weekends! And then the tables turned, and I watched people leave Kolkata and go while I stayed behind. And believe me... it easier to bear it when you're the one leaving, but if you're staying behind, then God save you from that feeling. And now once again I'll have someone one going off too, and that will leave me crumbled inside from a lot of angles. Firstly because she's one of the pillars who's holding me up, and second because I'll feel that sense of being left behind once again.

People keep telling me that I'll go to U.K for my post grad and things will be fine. I'll live my dream. But I have this ominous feeling inside me which says its not happening. And my gut feeling usually proves right. So once again at the end of three years when the two people who made JUDE home for me will leave, I'll stay behind to be haunted my their memories in the University, because apparently JUDE is the best deal in the country for a post grad programme if you're looking for an academic career. And while I am looking for one, the two above mentioned people intend to take up different courses for their masters.

Sometimes when I walk down the street I have this gnawing feeling inside me which tells me that I'm worthless. I'm just another face lost in the crowd, people pass me by without taking a second look. I have to change that. If there's one thing I'm scared of the most, its being lost in the crowd. I HAVE to stand out! I NEED to stand out! I need to leave a legacy behind, people need to know me before I'm dead. Otherwise whats the point? To have lived and died like thousand others and not having left a mark behind? not having made a difference?

Do I sound too over ambitious? Maybe I am. But when I lost out on U.K I made a promise to myself to make something out of my life here. And that's exactly what I'm trying to achieve. All the extra curricular activities I'm involved in, its like this one ray of sanity I'm clutching onto. Without it I don't know what I would do.

The Sphere of Glass

I walked in
protected by a sphere of glass
which had magical powers,
it gave me the ability
to be detached
from everything
and everyone
around me.

But then you walked in,
aimed blatantly
and broke it.

And the sights
sounds
emotions
that had been on the other side
for a long time
came rushing in
one after the other
overlapping the last.

And it felt as if
someone had breathed life
into my corpse.
And I lived
laughed
loved
felt
for a short while
until you decided
that you had to walk away.

Only then did I look down
at myself
and realized
that the shards of glass
from the sphere you had broken
were embedded in my skin.

I had been too drunk
with happiness
to have noticed it then.
But I notice it now
And I'm bleeding to death.

All the things that are wrong with me...

I have a severe headache....

I dont want to study Bob Dylan...

But at the same time I feel guilty for not studying...

I feel tired but I cant sleep...

I want to cry but the tears wont come...

I want to throw things around my room, scream... yell... But somehow none of those wants actually break through the unnaturally calm surface...

I want to crib to someone... real bad... but I feel terrible about burdening anyone with my problems...

I want to be angry, impulsive... but I am hurt and patient( and nothing alters it).

I want to lose weight... but that never happens... Lucky are the people who slim down due to depression... never happened for me... I actually put on a kilo!! Dang it!!

I want to starve myself... but I cant coz then I'll have gastric pain and that is not such a good idea... firstly coz I am as scared of it as I am of arachnids and coz I have a semester examination in a week...

I want to overdose on spaz and escape this prison for a while... but my morals do not allow that... And I am sure nor would mommy 1 and 2 and bff in bangalore...

I want to get tipsy on wine... just that warm, snugly, happy feeling... but my mom wont allow alcohol in the house( WINE ISN'T EVEN ALCOHOL FOR CHRIST"S SAKE!!!!)

I want to be NOT AFFECTED by all this.... But that's not happening anytime soon...

Well... Now that you all know what a crybaby I am... I shall go back to Dylan( I WONT TAKE IN A WORD!!).

P.S. Minu... you're following my blog!!! Yay!!! =D

How far can you run...
If the prison in within you??

Yes Ma... its all my fault! Can I GO DIE in peace now?

There is a hole...

There is a hole
that is growing
that is bleeding
and it wont stop
till my heart bleeds to death.

Maybe then
the pain will stop.

These violent delights have violent ends...

These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss, consume.

Right?

WRONG.

Sometimes there is no death,
there's just an abyss of dark pain.
It flows through your veins like poison and turns you black from the inside.
And the heart,
which is already black from remembering,
from hoping, from loving, from losing...
starts spilling black blood onto your insides.
drip drip drip.

The poison isnt restricted to your veins anymore.
Its spreading throughout your body,
its in your organs,
in your eyes,
in your throat.

Its oozing out from every pore in your body,
but no one can see it,
no one can feel it,
apart from you.

You alone are cursed with the pain,
because you have dared to love.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

So a few days ago someone really close to me said... 'You're ugly! Go die!'... I brushed it off then. I retorted... No I'm not... in a very defiant voice. I thought my denial would be the end of the matter. But clearly, it affected me much more than I thought. I know what you'll say... that you shout at people when you're angry and say things that you don't mean, but that doesn't work as reason enough to stop myself from feeling this way. I didn't write about this for the longest time, even though it would have helped, it would have let me get it out of my system and not torture me every once in a while like poison running through my veins. But I didn't, thinking that you would see this. But I have decided I don't care. Fine, I get it you were angry, but does your anger give you the right to say something this demeaning to someone? Does your anger give you the right to HURT me? You didn't care as to what you were saying... so why should I care as to whether you will read this or not? I DON'T! And now that I have this out of my system, what you said wont bother me any longer too. Period.

My heart isnt made of wood you know.... on the contrary... you could say it is made of glass....