It’s been lonely since you left. Everyone goes back to someone at the end of the day, their boyfriend, their best friend, their family… someone who makes up their home and I can’t help but feel hollow… because you were mine.

Dipabali...

Moner moddhe ondhokaar hole
baire baati jele ki hobe?

Tissue papers and bills
scribbled on in black ink
a silver ring
a red necklace
a pair of silver anklets
thats all that remains

I try not to look at them
they remind me of your absence

I clutch onto them
They fill a fraction of that gaping hole in me
that used to be you

I eat
because I promised you
I would

The effort of downing every morsel
drains me

I stand over the toilet bowl
coughing
nauseous
dizzy

I gulp down the tears
becuase I promised you
I wouldnt cry
And I cant cry much on my own anyway

A few sounds escape though
and worry my mother
I give her stupid excuses
She pretends to believe me
or maybe she does believe me
I am a good actress

over-reacting... Am I?
Being a Drama Queen?
Showing my pain too much?

I dont care really
I cant be a hypocrite and smile
while I'm dying inside

You said you wanted me to heal
you said you wanted me to be happy
you said I deserved better

Is this what I deserve?
Is this happiness according to you?
Is waking up wishing I was dead
or
feeling that hole in me grow
a little bit more each day
while the rough edges bleed
called healing?

Nisshash phelatake beche thaaka bole na
eta amar cheye beshi tui bujhish

Signs I should have noticed... but didn't! 0_0

* Writing 'Insomnia and Anxiety'
* The excessive anxiety
* The piece that Piu and I did for Friday's class
* The misplaced episode from True blood season 3 where Bill tells Sookie that he loves her but they cant be together for her own sake, and then Sookie cries her heart out on the hospital bed and Bill leaves.

I guess Life often tries to warn you about what is to come. It has warned me all the time, because this has happened to me before. But I, as always, pushed my fears down, hoping it would mean nothing, but it does, each and every time.

Splitting headache induced poetry

I can distract myself the entire day
but where will I run to at night?
The thousand invisible hands tearing at my soul catch up
and I am left gasping for breath

I am drowning in a sea of pain
it looks for inlets and rushes in
my head feels dizzy
my eyes hurt
my heart hurts
the liquid pain has filled my insides
clogged my systems

I cant stand it
but I dont want to get rid of it
just a little strength and patience to bear with it
because the pain is the only reminder
that 'we' existed
and without it
I would have nothing to hold on to
and I dont want to drown in that black nothingness
again

P.S... An earlier post titled Insomnia and Anxiety makes more sense now. Heck! How intuitive am I? 0_0

I miss having a family. Those long summer vacations filled with cousins, laughter, weddings, wild Calcutta trips, Rasna and board games....hhhmmmm

Insomnia and Anxiety

The same meaningless fear every night
dreading the end of something that had never begun
the clock ticks away
and I shut my eyes
put fingers in my ears
to not see or hear its passage.

I build a glass palace
knowing well it will shatter
or has it shattered already?

I can hear voices inside my head
facts that have turned into monsters
from neglect
from suppression
they squeeze my innards
climb the walls of my inside
threatening to come gushing out of my mouth
eyes
ears
every pore of my body
and tear me to pieces

The imperfect outer shell
nests a demented mind
and a cracked heart
that yearns for pain
and love

Its you
and its me too
and yet I'm hoping
that two halves will somehow
make a whole.