Dear Moomoo

I often have very weird realizations, and by realizations I do not mean that these things that I realize have previously been unknown to me. Its just that sometimes the enormity of it just hits me in the face... with a resounding THWACK! SO this is what hit me today... that you really do love me so much. I cant tell you what it feels like to suddenly realize that there is someone out there who looks out for you, looks up to you and turns to you to share her problems, her secret pleasures... her life. I love you so much! Thank you... for everything... =)

Long time no see...

Dear Blog,
I haven't seen you for quite some time! Missed me? Well I didn't miss you, in fact I was trying to bubble wrap your existence and shove it deep inside me like I do with so many other things that I don't want to face, because you remind me of things, relationships... that are dead. God knows I've wanted to write... very badly at times... but then I remembered accusations and stayed away from you. But everyone needs to move on, or least create the illusion of moving on... hence I have come to acknowledge your presence... because frankly dear... I don't care any longer what anyone thinks of my blogs.

I haven't mourned for something that was a big part of my life. One night... that's all I allowed myself. One night of hysterical crying, breathing problems and anxiety attacks. One night. The next morning I looked at myself in the mirror and vowed that I wont shed another tear for someone who doesn't deserve it. But I held myself back from blogging because those accusations were still swirling in my head. Well... today I truly free myself from those bonds.

You wont hold me back. Not any longer. I've suffered enough for you.

The Gushing Blog!

You make me incredibly angry sometimes! I'm sure your'e aware of that! And then there are times you make me realize how much I LOVE you! And at times like these I feel like my heart will burst with love for you! =D Yes I know I sound incredibly cheesy! And your'e probably rolling your eyes reading this! But one doesn't always have the luxury my love! So let me enjoy this! =)

I love you! SOOOOO much!

And I am veary veary( yes the typo is intended) proud of you!

My teddy bear!

<3

Gobhir Raater Ranting...

I have been dancing for the last 2 and a half hours. Practicing Kathak alone, without a tabla, with a weird modern song feels clownish and I'm sure it even looks clownish. I know the order in my head, I do the steps perfectly on sundays during dance class. But somehow for the past 2 and a half hours I have felt incredibly clumsy and dumb. I cant do the simplest of steps, I froze midway my routine for at least 5 times... I dont know what is wrong with me. I have given up for now. On the last attempt I did thankfully remember the order, but the movements had no grace whatsoever, and the most obvious thing... I wasnt smiling. And starting from tomorrow I'm going to be screamed at for that till the next show is over. I wish he would understand we've always been instructed by our teacher to give looks to the audience and maintain a haughty expression,do things which are called Nakhra at times, but never smile, and that too what he demands is not a smile, the description, which when he provides or sometimes demonstrates is that of a laugh. I cant do that. It doesnt come to me. AT ALL. Also... I have no solid food in my system. My right cheek is stuck to my right gum and I cant chew any solids... So until I visit the dentist, which'll probably be friday, I'm on a liquid diet. Now the good thing about it is I have lost 2.5 kilos in 2 days. The bad part is my body has nothing to derive energy from, and while I dont feel that at normal times, I do feel that when I'm dancing continuously for 2 hours.

Its also been a very depressing day, due to reasons unknown. I cheered up for a brief span at night though, but then I made the mistake of telling the person concerned that she had bettered my mood, which for some reason she found unacceptable,and signed off saying I'm daft. My mood spiraled down into dungeons again.

So Ideally I should have been asleep now, because God knows if I'm depriving my body of food I should at least give it some rest! But then there was so much work to do. And its 4:30 and I've only done 3/4ths of it. But I cant work anymore. Its not that I'm particularly sleepy. But I'm tired. I've been neglecting Japanese these past few night. I shouldnt be. I still dont have Hiragana down.

Whoever's reading this... you ever have one of those days when nothing in particular depresses you but suddenly the world seems like a gloomier place? Like every matter you turn your attention to seems negative? Why didnt it work out? Why isnt it working out? But wouldnt I run if it actually did work out? Do I deserve either of them? Will he win tomorrow? Why on Earth am I worried about that? So many questions playing havoc inside your head! But no answers... absolutely no answers.

I will go lie down now... and try to sleep.

Love

I fell in love with him
I fell in love with her
I didn't fall out of love with anyone though
I think.
What a tragedy!

I'd like to think I've moved on from him.
His words don't make me swoon anymore
My insides don't dry up from his absence
and yet
when he passes by
I realize
a part of my heart
will always be his =)
And no... it doesn't hurt...
not anymore
Is that moving on?
I don't know...

I don't even make an effort to pretend
that I have moved on from her
because I haven't
and it will take time
and yes
sometimes...
it hurts.
But its no one's fault
really.

I don't deserve any one of them though...
He's the captured perfection of another era...
every woman's dream
a poet and a poem in himself.

She's perfection playing hide and seek
in your grasp a second
flowing out like sand the other
She's thunder
She's rain
She's the most exquisite pain...

And me?
Sigh...

Night time poetry

You came like a gust of wind,
A torrent of rain,
A sea of flowers
And I drowned
In your laughter
In your beauty
In your love.

At times like these,
When I sit alone
I think of you.
And I wonder
If you think of me too?

I loved you
With all I had
Until this heart ran dry.
And now
I can hear it cracking
But I don’t know
Why I cant cry.

You came like a drop of rain
To this parched soul
To this tired mind.
We laughed,
We loved,
We lived,
It ended.
I died.

You were like a song,
A poem,
A dream.
That I sang,
I wrote,
I lived.

But the dream changed,
I left
And I died.

This heart longs for you at times,
This soul screams out your name,
It’s an almost physical ache,
And I double over
With the pain
The emptiness.

And every night,
Not unlike tonight,
A little bit
I die…

onek din pore likhlam...

Moner maajhe eto koshto
Aar baire jogot ondhokar
Eto koshto lokai kothae?
Ei aadhare tomae khuje berai kothae?
Amar chokher joler rong laal
Kintu se tumi aar dekhle koi?
Tumi toh dekhte chaona kichu
Dekhle jodi bhul bhaange?