And that was the second time I cried at a coffee shop in front of you! Crap man!

Just Ranting...

I am scared. I look at these long golu molu fingers with inch long nails painted red typing away on the keyboard, but I do not know who they belong to. The life force within me is on the verge of extinction. It feels like it has been cut up into several pieces like Voldemort's horcruxes, and I do not know where the others went, but this utterly diminished one that still lives on inside me hides in some dark corner and watches with amazement as this alien body works independently. Its quite simple really, you can create horcruxes by killing. For every kill a piece of you detaches itself from your body(not literally of course!). And what happened here was every time I was struck down a part of me died or detached itself from me and went away.

The anxiety attack hasn't stopped since the utter breakdown last night, it was just suppressed till I was busy, waiting just beneath the surface, dying to break through once the mind was free, and it did. And as I turned away with a very tough sounding 'okay bye', a pit opened up in my stomach and my hands shook.

When did this happen? when did I land up here? Nights have always been bad, due to the lack of sleep. But never this bad. The hours pass by listening to music that literally hurts the ears, and yet feels so soothing at the same time, or staring at the flame of the candle inside the pretty glass with white, round designs on it, or watching some horror/thriller movie or gossip girl episodes on the comp while my eyes burn from the smoke of the bleeding expensive extra mild smokes.

At least tonight I have the ability to write, the other nights don't even grant me that. there's just darkness, outside and inside, and an unnatural calm that nothing can shatter.

If you ask me for reasons I cant give you solid ones really, they're all rather vague. The most concrete one of them is thankfully coming to an end(I think), but it too has left a lot of scars that need to heal. Apart from that there's a lot of vicarious pain and a deep rooted fear of losing one of my pillars. And the constant reminder from my mother as to what a bad daughter I am and how she curses the day I was born.

Big deal, so I cant be the ideal daughter! GO DEAL WITH IT! But I refuse to resort to hypocrisy for achieving my ends, I'd rather be bluntly honest, thankyouverymuch!

So at the end of the day when I look at myself in the mirror I come across this failure looking back at me. One who lost out on an opportunity of a lifetime. And I dont think this wound will ever heal. And I don't think my mom will ever understand the fact that when I lost U.K, my childhood dream, I lost more than just an education abroad. I lost a part of my life. I lost something I had been working towards from the ninth standard. I lost my ray of hope that saw me through the final days of the twelfth standard. In my mind I was already living there... believe it or not I even had a routine chalked out about how i would spend my weekends! And then the tables turned, and I watched people leave Kolkata and go while I stayed behind. And believe me... it easier to bear it when you're the one leaving, but if you're staying behind, then God save you from that feeling. And now once again I'll have someone one going off too, and that will leave me crumbled inside from a lot of angles. Firstly because she's one of the pillars who's holding me up, and second because I'll feel that sense of being left behind once again.

People keep telling me that I'll go to U.K for my post grad and things will be fine. I'll live my dream. But I have this ominous feeling inside me which says its not happening. And my gut feeling usually proves right. So once again at the end of three years when the two people who made JUDE home for me will leave, I'll stay behind to be haunted my their memories in the University, because apparently JUDE is the best deal in the country for a post grad programme if you're looking for an academic career. And while I am looking for one, the two above mentioned people intend to take up different courses for their masters.

Sometimes when I walk down the street I have this gnawing feeling inside me which tells me that I'm worthless. I'm just another face lost in the crowd, people pass me by without taking a second look. I have to change that. If there's one thing I'm scared of the most, its being lost in the crowd. I HAVE to stand out! I NEED to stand out! I need to leave a legacy behind, people need to know me before I'm dead. Otherwise whats the point? To have lived and died like thousand others and not having left a mark behind? not having made a difference?

Do I sound too over ambitious? Maybe I am. But when I lost out on U.K I made a promise to myself to make something out of my life here. And that's exactly what I'm trying to achieve. All the extra curricular activities I'm involved in, its like this one ray of sanity I'm clutching onto. Without it I don't know what I would do.

The Sphere of Glass

I walked in
protected by a sphere of glass
which had magical powers,
it gave me the ability
to be detached
from everything
and everyone
around me.

But then you walked in,
aimed blatantly
and broke it.

And the sights
sounds
emotions
that had been on the other side
for a long time
came rushing in
one after the other
overlapping the last.

And it felt as if
someone had breathed life
into my corpse.
And I lived
laughed
loved
felt
for a short while
until you decided
that you had to walk away.

Only then did I look down
at myself
and realized
that the shards of glass
from the sphere you had broken
were embedded in my skin.

I had been too drunk
with happiness
to have noticed it then.
But I notice it now
And I'm bleeding to death.

How I studied documentation...

**In case of multiple authors only first name needs to be inverted:

*In case of two authors:

Basu, Kuhu, and Dipabali Dey. Why smart men want dumb women. Jadavpur University Press. 2010.

*In case of three authors:

Basu, Kuhu, Dipabali Dey, and Rudrani Gongopadhay. Interpreting the Pisces man. Jadavpur University Press. 2010.

*In case of more than three authors, write only the name of the first author followed by et al.

Paul, Sreejata, et al. Why Rhetoric and Composition should not be in the syllabus. Jadavpur University Press. 2010.

A Fairytale Friendship...

Once upon a time...

There were two princesses living in two separate kingdoms far away from each other. The Gods looked down upon them, following their life constantly, because they had been sent to Earth with a special purpose, to relieve their fellow human beings of pain and misery and to love selflessly. They had been given special powers, they could drink in abnormal amounts of pain and not break down, for this was often necessary for fulfilling their purpose on Earth.

But after a while, the Gods saw that the princesses were suffering and were miserable. They faced the world with a smile, but the smile never warmed their own hearts. The gods fell into deep thought, what was to be done?

Then one of the the young Gods-in-training offered a solution. He appealed to the High God, " Sire... I believe these girls need a friend to share their pain with, and in turn lessen it if not dissolve it, so that their hearts are lighter."

The High God liked the solution, and then the search for two girls who could be perfect friends to the princesses began. But no matter how hard they looked, they could not find perfect matches. At last, exhausted, the search was abandoned...

But then the same God-in-training who had suggested the idea in the first place, came up with a suggestion... "Sire, maybe we have looked in the wrong places." The high God was baffled and asked him to explain.

"Sire, why look for two different girls for both of them when they can be with each other."

The High God was extremely happy with this idea and ordered that it shall be carried out.

Then by a twist of fate, one of the princesses landed up in the other one's kingdom for educational purposes. But this in itself wasn't enough. The Gods could help the situation only so much, the rest of the path had to be decided upon by the young princesses themselves.

It took more than six months for them to acknowledge each other. But even after they became bosom friends, something was amiss. There were disagreements, violent ones, even though it was always sorted out later.

But then once, there was a disagreement so huge, that the princesses turned away from each other, thinking this was the end of the friendship for good, and went separate ways to pursue separate destinies, telling the world that they didn't care, but forever carrying the memories within them.

A year passed by. The Gods were growing worried now, because one of the princesses was going through more than she could handle, her world was collapsing. They tried sending replacements for her lost friend, to help ease her pain. But they soon found out that the princess's heart had grown a wall of ice, and no matter how hard they tried, the ice would not melt.

While all the elder Gods were deep in worry, the young to be God looked down upon them and smiled, "My daughters, I know I haven't made a wrong decision, the two of you will rediscover each other, but only after you've discovered yourself."

Then after a year, something good and something bad happened at the same time.

At this point, the other princess had realized that she needed to go back to her friend, for none of them was happy without the other. But she wasn't sure how, she was unsure and scared. But one day the messenger doves came and told her that the dreaded thing had happened, her friend's world had collapsed at last.

She needed no other reason, she set out at once, for she knew that she had to be there for her friend.

When she entered the thunder struck palace of her friend and looked at her, nothing more was needed. No words, no apologies, no explanations.

They stood on the threshold, embracing each other, drowning themselves in joy and in sorrow.

Up above, the Gods rejoiced.

At first there was some trepidation, for they weren't sure if things would be the same again, they weren't sure if the princess whose heart was enclosed in ice could or would love again.

But as the days went by, drowned in happiness, friendship and in love... the ice melted. And though this meant she would once again be vulnerable and open to pain, she thanked God that at last she could feel, and that she had her friend, the other half back...

All the things that are wrong with me...

I have a severe headache....

I dont want to study Bob Dylan...

But at the same time I feel guilty for not studying...

I feel tired but I cant sleep...

I want to cry but the tears wont come...

I want to throw things around my room, scream... yell... But somehow none of those wants actually break through the unnaturally calm surface...

I want to crib to someone... real bad... but I feel terrible about burdening anyone with my problems...

I want to be angry, impulsive... but I am hurt and patient( and nothing alters it).

I want to lose weight... but that never happens... Lucky are the people who slim down due to depression... never happened for me... I actually put on a kilo!! Dang it!!

I want to starve myself... but I cant coz then I'll have gastric pain and that is not such a good idea... firstly coz I am as scared of it as I am of arachnids and coz I have a semester examination in a week...

I want to overdose on spaz and escape this prison for a while... but my morals do not allow that... And I am sure nor would mommy 1 and 2 and bff in bangalore...

I want to get tipsy on wine... just that warm, snugly, happy feeling... but my mom wont allow alcohol in the house( WINE ISN'T EVEN ALCOHOL FOR CHRIST"S SAKE!!!!)

I want to be NOT AFFECTED by all this.... But that's not happening anytime soon...

Well... Now that you all know what a crybaby I am... I shall go back to Dylan( I WONT TAKE IN A WORD!!).

P.S. Minu... you're following my blog!!! Yay!!! =D

How far can you run...
If the prison in within you??