Blabberings of a terribly frustrated mind...

I feel...
Hurt
Humiliated
Scorned at
Pushed away
Helpless
Angry
Unloved.

I wish I could scream it all out like Masumi Makhija did in 'Maqbool' but I cant. The next level of depression for me is deadly calm. So no smashing objects, no screaming, just less talking, anxiety attacks and making animal sounds in an attempt to cry. If you dont want to read all this you can just leave the page, recently I have heard that my blog is a little hard to handle, well that's your problem, DEAL WITH IT! I need to blabber here at least, because I think I'm going back to the mode where I cant blabber to people any longer, so all this has to come out SOMEWHERE! And I prefer the blog to angry red marks, they maybe liberating but I refuse to go down in a self destructive vortex, thank you! Sometimes I wish the blog was a person, then even I would have someone to whom I could have talked about everything that is wrong, someone who would keep taking it as opposed to me taking it from people all the time! Someone I could walk away from and not the other way round! But whom am I kidding? The thing is.... I cant walk away, not even from an inanimate object! Yes, that is sad... But that is me! I cant help who I am! I'm the kind who thinks everything is her fault, I'm the kind who will never confront! I'm the kind whose rebellion will die down inside and never leave the lips! I'm the kind who would try to hold a friendship together till the last moment and not let things like ego come in between! I'm the kind who will forgive you know matter how much you have HURT me! Yes... its a rather painful life if you are made like that. You can change your exterior as much as you like, but you can never change the way you are from inside. All I can do for self defense is keep myself super busy so that I wont have time to think. And sometimes when it gets too much I start living in this bubble where nothing penetrates, but that never lasts long! Something happens, someone comes along, and BOOM! there goes your bubble! Then a short period of bliss, mad laughter, deep conversations, a happy heart, a beautiful friendship, a peaceful soul.... but for how long? For every smile there are tears*10... for every moment that your heart soars there are ages of when it will feel smashed to a million pieces... for every sentence that makes you feel loved there will be ten waiting that will make you feel humiliated. But how long does this go on? How long does a person keep taking it and not crack? Every time a person comes along who makes you feel as if for once you are understood, but in the end they break you worse than the last person did. But its all my fault, no one promised me anything, instead... I made the promises, so I have no right to complain.

It will always be me who will be left behind with a broken heart and tears while others walk away. FINE! I accept it. I cant fight anymore! I QUIT!

Random poetry... iccha korlo bole

Happiness is not the absence of pain
it is when amidst all the heartbreak
you manage to find a reason to smile.
It is when a person who is so scared to let her walls down
holds your hand in a moment of forgetfulness.
it is when little things like silver dangly earrings make you feel beautiful.
It is when you cant stop laughing
over plastic glasses of green mango slush.
It is when you realize that somewhere down the line
your efforts are making a difference.
Happiness is not the result of a group of people around you
it is the feeling you get when after everyone has left
someone stays behind
for you.

Little things make me happy, little things break me too....

There are people in this world who should not love, I am one of them. Because I love easy, and break easier.

I was escaping specifically this feeling all this time. Yes, I was in my own bubble, yes I wasnt realistic, but I was happy. Everyone has their own methods, mine is escapism. But its amazing how one sentence can suddenly shatter your dream. Come to think of it, it dosent even form a proper link. But I cant help it, I cant control psychological glitches that go on inside my brain. It takes very little to make me happy. Our friendship made me happy. The freedom to be able to tell u how I feel made me happy. Your understanding made me happy. But one tiny thing and everything changed. In the beginning I was running from you, but after we talked last night I thought I'd be able to be normal again. But I was wrong. I ran again today. Dont blame yourself though, I dont blame you, but neither do I blame myself. I am a very sensitive person and I cant help that. I couldnt face you today, I dont know why. No, I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about how I feel, I dont care if people know. But there was something about the naked words glaring back at me from the monitor. There was something about the way I felt scorned at. I broke. That sentence broke me. But I thought once we'd talked it out it would be okay. But today when I saw you in front of my department I realized that its never going to be the same again. I'll never be able to even look at you properly. Maybe outside but definitely not on campus. Maybe when you're alone but never when you're with somebody. Which is perhaps equal to once in a blue moon! So there, no possessiveness issues anymore, because I'll always keep running, I'll always head in the other direction. It dosent matter that the sentence is there no longer, the effect it had on me remains, the tears still keep pooling in my chest and sometimes even overflow. I hate this feeling! I hate myself! But I cant do anything about it. All I can do is write stupid blogs! I know this is unfair on you, and there might even be a remote possibility that you'll miss our regular interaction, I know I will, and I wish it didnt have to be this way, but I cant help what happened, nor can you. I guess I'll just have to wait for mondays from now on, that too if you turn up. But its ok, I'll survive, I have lots of practice in dealing with pain, its the most common emotion after all!

P.S: I heard you follow my blog(yes this means you), I hope you read this one, should make you really happy! :) He's all yours now, which is ironical because he was always yours anyway!... but you still had a problem, now its done for....

I feel like a monster.....

Two weeks ago I made a new friend. She's really pretty, has adorable curly hair and turns pink during certain discussions! We have a lot in common, hair.. firgure.. our eets! so we really connected. The past two weeks have been blissful, the mad conversations at the gol table, the stalking business and the eet blabbering! And then day before yesterday both of us were online at this unearthly hour, and she started talking to me, she was so happy about something that had happened! and I was happy for her. We made this entire plan for the next day, she said we'd miss classes and do a picnic at the gol table with a sataranchi! I happily agreed! The next morning when I went to class, she ran out and gave me a big hug, but then our teacher walked in and we left the classroom hurriedly, but when I turned around, I realized she wasn't there. I felt really angry, coz I thought she was deliberately attending class after all our planning! I sent her an angry sms, and then when she came and stood in front of me during next class, I behaved rather badly with her. Then after class got over, she left, without telling anyone anything. She went into the loo but I couldnt see her after tht. I turned up in the a.v room at 3:45 to listen to 'Quadrophenia', she wasn't there. I asked ppl if she'd come in for e.d and they said she didnt. Thts when the first twang of ill feeling and guilt set in. I masked it somehow for the length of the evening while I was hanging out with other ppl, but when I got onto the bus and was alone, the feeling came back with double force. I called up two friends to see if we could hang out, coz I didnt want to go back home, but they weren't free.. So ultimately I had to go home. I was in a terrible mood, I wanted to call her, but felt scared, so I called another friend and cried to him instead. He too told me I should call her, and so I did. She answered my call( which I didnt think she would), and we spoke. Things I got to know during the conversation: She hadnt deliberately attended class, its just tht she had gone to get her bag and couldnt walk out because the teacher was right in front of her. She hadnt left college, she was crying in the loo for half an hour. She was really upset after she got home, she threw up, didnt eat and hurt herself some more... ALL BECAUSE I HAD HURT HER!

I messed up, big time. Even though we patched up, and had a perfectly cool day together today, there's this voice in the back of my head which keeps saying, 'You hurt someone who loves you so much.. She hurt herself so much because of you.. You're a monster... A terrible human being'. She's probably forgiven me, but problem is... I cant forgive myself.

If you're reading this... this is why I started crying today. I'm so sorry... Love you.

In reaction to Mina Kumari's recent album:once upon a time there was a tavern

time flows incessantly
seasons bleed into seasons
people who were friends yesterday
become strangers or worse
enemies.

memories that once brought laughter in its wake
brings pain and tears
and a fear
of coming across known faces
from the past

nothing returns
nothing remains
except those two smiling faces
so happy in each others company
even today
after so many heartbreaks

nothing returns
nothing remains
except our friendship....

Happy Blog! Yay! :)

So I am a very materialistic person, your average capitalist teenager to whom money=security, but at the end of the day its the little things in life that make me happy, like a sudden message from you at 11 in the night asking how I am or a walk to the metro with you by my side :) Its a little unfair actually, the amount of power you have over me! One message from you is enough to make me smile for the next 24 hours at least! Do you know I bumped into a rickshaw today outside Belgachia Metro because I was lost in my thoughts and smiling to myself? This is insane! Honestly! but what the heck... it keeps me happy! My friends are worried about my condition, like seriously worried! Some of them are convincing me that its only a crush and I'll get over it and some people are thinking about who I will share all this madness with in my postgraduate time if I stay back at J.U and they go away. But I dont want to stay back, I want to go abroad for my postgraduate at least! =s... and even if I do stay, I know for a fact that you wont, in fact weren't you talking of going away during your undergraduate course itself? But no! I'm not going to think of all this, these are scary prospects, you leaving, me leaving, not good! I better just focus on the present right now, I'll deal with all the above mentioned things when the happen! Otherwise my happy happy mood will be replaced by 'brooding about future thingies mood', which is not good.

You know something? time just flies by when I'm with you! Its not fair! It all gets over too quickly! But then again... it might just be me being greedy.... cant help it! human nature I guess! There's always so much I think I'll tell you when we're together, but I don't even get the time to tell you half the things when we do talk! I call you sometimes, but then somehow something will always happen mid conversation and you will go, and then we never finish the conversation we leave hanging in the air. But the concluding point being that you have the power to make me euphoric as well as depressed... which is not a good thing. If it was in my hands I wouldn't give you so much of a hold over me, but its not... so I guess I'll just have to deal with it. Like today for example, I am so happy that I'm sitting at 3 in the night and writing this blog even though I'm practically falling asleep writing this!

Well... that was less of a blog entry and more of a one sided blabbering! But that's what my blog is all about, I write what I feel. So this is what I felt today, I know its probably my silliest blog ever, but its close to my heart! :) I'm sorry if the last blog made you feel bad... it wasn't meant to... I was just venting my frustration, that's it. Hope this one makes you happy! I definitely felt happy writing it! yay! :)

P.S: Thank you, for everything!

The S9 story....

So if you're a J.Uite you definitely know what I mean, and if you're not, then I'm referring to the state bus which leaves from karunamoyee and takes you to 8b bus stand, and vice versa. Now there are many classifications when it comes to this bus, there's the goth one, the middle one and the new one. The S9 is a very important part of my life, its almost like a second home actually, because I spend 10 hours a week in it. So when I reach the depot and dont find my favorite kind of bus waiting, it really pisses me off! First of all there's the goth bus: the oldest of the S9 army, there are two kinds of this actually, the first one has horizontally sliding windows, smaller seats, a smaller passageway between the seats and a slightly narrower door frame with no door, it also has dim yellow lights and the front seats are often elevated. And the second one has larger seats, a wider door frame with no door, a broader passageway between the two seats and vertically sliding windows, the rest of the features are the same. I am the happiest when I manage to get onto one of these buses! The dark interiors in the morning that dont let in too much sunshine and the wind whipping against your face! Its just beautiful! If I'm with someone (mostly its either Disha or Mrinalini), we have loud conversations( rather scandalizing ones at that!) which makes heads turn! and if I'm alone I stuff my earphones into my ears, turn on my ipod, listen to demented romantic music and let my thoughts loose... They're not necessarily happy thoughts all the time, sometimes when I'm depressed I think of weird things!But mostly you'll find me sitting beside the window, looking out, with a shy smile and a dreamy expression. The perfect music and the perfect bus can do wonders for your morning mood... believe me! And when its evening and I'm returning home its even more brilliant! Its all dark and the seats are really tall, so its kinda a really private bus. After a tiring day if I'm with Minu we just cuddle upto each other and have gooey, critical and scandalizing conversations! Laugh a little, eat a little and then worry abt the amount of junk food we're eating! aahh... what a life! And if I'm alone I just dive into demented romantic music and my thoughts again! But then some-days I come to the depot and find the new ones or the semi new ones waiting.. and my heart sinks! the new ones have terribly large windows, so if you're travelling in the morning there is too much sunshine! and if you're traveling in the evening they put on those those horrible tube lights! and the semi new ones are like hybrids of the two! It disturbs your train of thought! provides no intimacy whatsoever if you're traveling with a friend! its just Blah! If we had to have new S9's why couldn't they be designed like the red volvos? they're so gorgeous! with the steps and everything! I know for a fact that there are ST6's which are designed like that! Then why not the S9's? :(