I am jealous... or hurt. I cant decide which... or maybe both? I tell myself I shouldnt be... that I should accept it the way it is. And over the last few years I have achieved tremendous amount of self control. But... it still hurts.

I cant talk about this anymore. I made certain decisions. I am responsible for them. People warned me. If I chose not to listen then I have no right to complain. Hence... I write vague blogs. Because I cant be too specific either.

I know I was different. I know I am still different. At a point I could easily reassure myself that this is a good thing. Now... I still can... but I dont know if I should any longer.

I know I shouldnt let all this affect me anymore. I shouldnt ask questions. But... pinpricks of pain... in my heart... that is starved.

I wish...

So I talked about my blog today... after a long time. And then I couldnt stay away. Even though I'm wasting precious time that should be spent reading The New York Trilogy. But ah well!

Hello Blog! How are you? I know I ignore you a lot! But dont worry... its not you... its me. I do this with anything where I pour my heart out. Sometimes with people too. Very rarely... But I do.

I havent slept three nights in a row. I am convinced I am getting fatter and my hair is thinner. At least if the world ended this year I wouldnt have to worry about my weight anymore! Or maybe I'll get killed faster because I wont be able to run quickly enough! That happens you know... watch zombie movies... you need to run man! But I shall not talk of zombies this late at night. I've already talked a lot about Talaash... I'll stop here.

You know how going through exams is like being pregnant? or maybe you dont. Its just me. But honestly I feel pregnant. The extra weight. The mood swings. The cravings. And the dreams! Oh God the dreams! I can run from everything( or maybe I cant: weight issues) but I cant run from my dreams! Ki Bizzare!

Blog, I wish you were like Dexter's computer, so that when I spoke to you, more like ranted to you, you could reply. I rant to the humans so much. I'm sure the humans are tired of me... they just dont say it thats all.

HIMYM is cool only! The last season got me all teary eyed. I have a feeling I'll end up like Ted, finding true love but getting none. Except I'll be female and fatter, and as Piu points out... an actress(touchwood) and not an architect, so I'll have terrible money issues too!

Ei I will go now! New York Trilogy ke porbe? Amar Blog?

Blog Mil Gaya

You wouldnt believe this. But for the longest time I couldnt sign into my own blog. Reason? I'd forgotten which id and password I was using for it! But Google has been kind and recovered my details using nothing but my phone number! Isnt internet getting more and more awesome everyday? Anyway... blog recovered... for the time being. Not that i use it much. I'm going through one of those phases where I dont blog at all... but its very comforting knowing that I can... whenever I choose to.

Its one of those nights. But then again why to announce that? I never write but when it is 'one of those nights'.
I'm so tired, physically, mentally and whichever way possible. Two exams! When was the last time I wrote two exams back to back? Probably back in Middle School. Then work-out. Then screaming because of the injustice being doled out to us by the honorable area Councillor. Then begging brother to let me use his computer after 12:30 because my Tata Photon isnt working. Then sitting behind brother and silently crying because its been 13 minutes and he pretends as if he cant hear me. Mundane things. Mundane Life. No lifting of depression. No weight loss. No condition of hair getting better. I should go jump off a roof right now. Spare myself. Spare people who know me. But till I gather up that courage I'm going to sit and jabber here.
What does it all mean? Can you trust anyone in the end? Stories you believed in for so long suddenly shatter one day. People who meant so much walk away. Then after a while try being really civil.Confuse you. But then you look at their DeePee and all the rage comes back. Because you realize they didnt just leave you. They stole from you as well.
So what do you do on nights like these? You sit on your brother's computer, write stupid blogs and cry.
I like sunshine and brownies. I want sunshine and brownies. But I cant have them. Forbidden thoughts. Must not be indulged in consciously. But the unconscious fights a losing battle every single night.And in the mornings there is nothing but confusion. What is real? The world I woke up from or the one I just woke into? I can certainly tell you which one I WANT to be real. I'm going to lose it someday. Become incapable of distinguishing between dreams and reality. Like Inception. Or Vanilla Sky?
I should have shouted. All those times I kept quiet. The load lessens that way. But understand this... If I'm crying its not because I'm weak but because the alternative is bashing your head in and I dont want to do that... But someday I probably will. And then your family members or mine for that matter can refer to this blog post and prove my guilt.
For the time being the future holds a test. Global Cultures.

My vein hurts, the one in the crook of my elbow on my right arm. The other day this man pushed a needle in to draw blood, except he kept pushing the needle around a little too much, making me emit various notes of the sa re ga ma. But of course I cant speak about this. I told my mother about it night before last, she screamed at me for not telling her earlier. Now if I tell you at 11 in the night that my vein hurts its not because I want you to call me a doctor right then, but maybe you could consult him in the morning? But no. I am fault because I spoke about it at 11 in the night. And tonight at 12:30 when it hurts again because my arm was in a folded position for a long time, I made a mistake of mentioning it again. What happens? My mother tells me she is not expected to remember such insignificant things because she has greater matters to deal with. Of course, she is a businesswoman, she's running the finances, I get it. But what happened to the mother bit? Tell me, when you go to either one of your parents to tell them that your vein hurts, would you expect them to tell you that they will call the doctor in the morning, or would you expect to be reminded how insignificant your hurting arm is in comparison to the greater good?

What follows is a theatrical performance. The losing of my exceedingly short temper, a lengthy monologue delivered by my mother accompanied by those salty drops, me shutting my bedroom door and realizing my throat hurts and I believe the name calling is still on from the other side.

This is the moment I take a pause. Coz honestly, I dont know why I'm writing this. Is it because Piu's phone is busy and I need to let this out? Is it because I cant stand writing a personal diary and would rather write it here, in the open? Is it because I like writing in general? or is it because, as someone once said, I use my blogs to gain sympathy?

I dont know.

My mother just said a lot of things. She said she'd rather not have a daughter like me. She said she hates me. She said I'm a two faced bitch who is sucking her dry like I did with my father.

I said a lot of things too. I said she should have aborted me instead. I said I dont love her either thankyouverymuch. I said if it hadnt been for their stupid last minute decision changes, I wouldnt have been trapped here in the first place.

I just needed to let it out you know.

I dont have the emotional range of a teaspoon like Ron. But even a person with a big fat handi for an emotional range bubbles over sometimes. What with being a bad daughter and sucking my father's lifeblood out of him and now doing the same with my mother, friendships I had made my peace with a long time ago turning out to be the wrong choice after all, a three year old friend who's almost like my sister deciding our friendship was worth giving up for a three month old friendship. There's a lot there. Plus there's the constant feeling that the world is coming to an end, and no I'm not talking about 2012 and all, I'm just talking about my anxiety attacks. There's the constant fear of 'aamra shobai raaja'( ppl involved in Arup Ratan will understand this), and the haunting sense of loneliness. Questions as to whether I am mad or the world is.

Sylvia Plath said 'because you never know when the bell jar descends', but I'm telling you, the bell jar never ascended in the first place, it was always there, separating me from the world with a sheet of glass, with its limited supply of oxygen that I have used again and again and again, until I feel the very air I breathe in is suffocating me.

Loss

Losing everything you've written over the last 2 to 3 years feels like losing a child. I feel so empty right now... like a mother who's just suffered a miscarriage tending to her empty womb. Its like, a part of me is gone... forever.

Thoughts of an Insomniac

Its 4:36 am in the morning, I have to be out of bed by 8:30 and in the University by 11. Now if you were in my shoes wouldn't you have been in bed already for like... 4 hours? But what do I do? I sit here writing blogs. I'm not even sure of what I'm writing right now really. There's no coherence in my head. I fight really hard to keep some things under a lid, but at times they escape, and the timing is always perfect! I feel angry right now! Angry for having indulged in intense conversations and dwelt on things I should have been ignoring! I mean honestly! is this the time? I'm going to be late tomorrow morning, because I will miss my alarm, then I will suffer from anxiety because I'm late and finally totter into class drunk from lack of sleep! Such a pretty picture! I should just kill myself!

I'd like to make something clear. I hate the milk producing mammal and I hate the hairy ape she dated! I dont care if my hatred is based on someone else's lies, all I know is it is too potent and I cant even begin reasoning with myself when it comes to this. Emotions arent things that go out of your system like potty, and hate is a very powerful emotion. Maybe I'm incredibly stupid because I dont believe in theories like realize what actually happened and move on and be indifferent to all of it, but its who I am. As an individual I have certain ways and methods and defense mechanisms of dealing with things.

Strength isnt always in fighting back. It requires an enormous amount of strength to keep everything inside as well. And as evil and stupid some people are, no one escapes karma. You build relationships on someone else's tears, those relationships break. You manipulate someone because you know they love you, you end up deprived of love as well.

Go ahead and live in an imaginary world where I wronged you and you were just unfortunate to come across someone who turned out just like the rest and betrayed you too. But surely even you must have some part of yourself telling you that it knows the truth!

Just to be sure no one is in any doubt anymore... I repeat... The girl I used to know died a long time ago... the monster that took its place I heartily despise!

Good Night!

A moment of clarity
and you realize your reality
is nothing but a farce
that you use
to amuse yourself

just lies and pasted smiles
meaningless words and pretended moods

But its all coming down
a little bit
every day

Its crumbling...
crumbling...
crumbling...

Closure

Let me tell you something about myself. I have been angry for quite some time now. Actually anger would be an understatement, I have been furious, covered up to my neck in rage, the kind of rage that turns you into a sadist, makes you imagine horrible things happening to people who've hurt you, and you standing there with a scorn on your lips. And I hate it, and I'm tired of it. This is not me, I miss my sweet, naive and devastatingly optimistic self. I miss the person who used to make others believe that you can overcome glitches in your friendships and relationships, that in the end love makes forgiving easy, and that bonds dont have to break. But then one of my most important and cherished bonds broke, and it left a cynical mind and a dead body behind. At first I was amazed at how fast I'd recovered this time, heck! one night! that's a record right? But now that I look back the only thing I managed to do was repress the hurt to such a degree that I fooled myself into believing it doesnt exist. But it does, only thing is the pain has morphed itself into uncontrollable rage. And I'm tired, tired of being angry all the time. And the reason that I still have so much resentment filled in me is because I never got closure. I just sat there staring at a computer screen while my world fell to pieces. I didnt get to shout, or speak my mind. Well I am going to now, because I want to let go of the anger and move on. I want to be indifferent to this. And in the end this probably wont work, and a degree of sadism will remain, like it remains for the handful of people I hate with all my strength, but maybe this boiling rage, this feeling of having been wronged will go away.

I had psychology for my extra departmental course this semester, and thanks to it I came across a term called projection, it means projecting all your shortcomings and faults onto another person. And it instantly made me think of you, because that is what you did to me. You said I love victimizing myself, and that it is apparent in my blogs, my status updates and my narration to others. You said I never loved you but did whatever I did for you for one and a half years just because I thrived on the fact that I was so important to you.First of all, have you taken a good look at your life? Your entire life has been a web of lies, illusions that you believed so hard in that you made me believe in them as well. And I would have believed in them forever, despite getting to know the opposite everyday, if you hadnt done what you did. But why should I ignore reality anymore? Your entire existence is nothing but a cry for pity. And you my dear, are the last person who has a right to judge me on that ground. My only fault was I chose to talk to friends instead of going insane or popping pills continuously. That doesnt help much does it? I've seen enough to know the results. You think I thrived on the fact that I felt important in your life? Let me tell you something, you thrived because you knew you were so important to me. If I was the one thriving on importance then I would have taken you for granted and not the other way round. I'll tell you what actually happened. You kept telling me stories about how people always leave you, and you were waiting for me to leave too, to continue that perfect streak, to tell later people stories about me, but when I refused to give up you got irritated, projected all you faults and shortcomings on me and left instead.

I do not believe in delusions, hence I will not say I hate you. I love you, and a part of me will always love you, its just that I've stopped listing to that part of me. That girl that I fell in love with died. She only exists in my memory and imagination now. And when I retreat into my mind and find her, she's still just as lovable, just as capable of making my eyes fill up with happy tears. But the one that roams around in her skin in the University is nothing but a monster, and I hate her.

Right, now that that is off my chest... I have a show tomorrow, I will go do more important stuff now.

Not knowing what to do with yourself at 5 in the morning sucks... This is why I hate exam time! My entire cycle goes Topsy-turvy! I go to sleep at 6 in the morning and wake up somewhere around 4. Which is cool, given my obsession with vampires, but I bet vampires don't get anxiety attacks due to exams, and don't read such dreadfully boring stuff like Oroonoko! Aphra Behn! If you were alive I'd make a gujju behn out of you( I don't know why thats relevant, I'm just bored) and kill you! BLOOODY!

Dear Moomoo

I often have very weird realizations, and by realizations I do not mean that these things that I realize have previously been unknown to me. Its just that sometimes the enormity of it just hits me in the face... with a resounding THWACK! SO this is what hit me today... that you really do love me so much. I cant tell you what it feels like to suddenly realize that there is someone out there who looks out for you, looks up to you and turns to you to share her problems, her secret pleasures... her life. I love you so much! Thank you... for everything... =)

Long time no see...

Dear Blog,
I haven't seen you for quite some time! Missed me? Well I didn't miss you, in fact I was trying to bubble wrap your existence and shove it deep inside me like I do with so many other things that I don't want to face, because you remind me of things, relationships... that are dead. God knows I've wanted to write... very badly at times... but then I remembered accusations and stayed away from you. But everyone needs to move on, or least create the illusion of moving on... hence I have come to acknowledge your presence... because frankly dear... I don't care any longer what anyone thinks of my blogs.

I haven't mourned for something that was a big part of my life. One night... that's all I allowed myself. One night of hysterical crying, breathing problems and anxiety attacks. One night. The next morning I looked at myself in the mirror and vowed that I wont shed another tear for someone who doesn't deserve it. But I held myself back from blogging because those accusations were still swirling in my head. Well... today I truly free myself from those bonds.

You wont hold me back. Not any longer. I've suffered enough for you.

The Gushing Blog!

You make me incredibly angry sometimes! I'm sure your'e aware of that! And then there are times you make me realize how much I LOVE you! And at times like these I feel like my heart will burst with love for you! =D Yes I know I sound incredibly cheesy! And your'e probably rolling your eyes reading this! But one doesn't always have the luxury my love! So let me enjoy this! =)

I love you! SOOOOO much!

And I am veary veary( yes the typo is intended) proud of you!

My teddy bear!

<3

Gobhir Raater Ranting...

I have been dancing for the last 2 and a half hours. Practicing Kathak alone, without a tabla, with a weird modern song feels clownish and I'm sure it even looks clownish. I know the order in my head, I do the steps perfectly on sundays during dance class. But somehow for the past 2 and a half hours I have felt incredibly clumsy and dumb. I cant do the simplest of steps, I froze midway my routine for at least 5 times... I dont know what is wrong with me. I have given up for now. On the last attempt I did thankfully remember the order, but the movements had no grace whatsoever, and the most obvious thing... I wasnt smiling. And starting from tomorrow I'm going to be screamed at for that till the next show is over. I wish he would understand we've always been instructed by our teacher to give looks to the audience and maintain a haughty expression,do things which are called Nakhra at times, but never smile, and that too what he demands is not a smile, the description, which when he provides or sometimes demonstrates is that of a laugh. I cant do that. It doesnt come to me. AT ALL. Also... I have no solid food in my system. My right cheek is stuck to my right gum and I cant chew any solids... So until I visit the dentist, which'll probably be friday, I'm on a liquid diet. Now the good thing about it is I have lost 2.5 kilos in 2 days. The bad part is my body has nothing to derive energy from, and while I dont feel that at normal times, I do feel that when I'm dancing continuously for 2 hours.

Its also been a very depressing day, due to reasons unknown. I cheered up for a brief span at night though, but then I made the mistake of telling the person concerned that she had bettered my mood, which for some reason she found unacceptable,and signed off saying I'm daft. My mood spiraled down into dungeons again.

So Ideally I should have been asleep now, because God knows if I'm depriving my body of food I should at least give it some rest! But then there was so much work to do. And its 4:30 and I've only done 3/4ths of it. But I cant work anymore. Its not that I'm particularly sleepy. But I'm tired. I've been neglecting Japanese these past few night. I shouldnt be. I still dont have Hiragana down.

Whoever's reading this... you ever have one of those days when nothing in particular depresses you but suddenly the world seems like a gloomier place? Like every matter you turn your attention to seems negative? Why didnt it work out? Why isnt it working out? But wouldnt I run if it actually did work out? Do I deserve either of them? Will he win tomorrow? Why on Earth am I worried about that? So many questions playing havoc inside your head! But no answers... absolutely no answers.

I will go lie down now... and try to sleep.

Love

I fell in love with him
I fell in love with her
I didn't fall out of love with anyone though
I think.
What a tragedy!

I'd like to think I've moved on from him.
His words don't make me swoon anymore
My insides don't dry up from his absence
and yet
when he passes by
I realize
a part of my heart
will always be his =)
And no... it doesn't hurt...
not anymore
Is that moving on?
I don't know...

I don't even make an effort to pretend
that I have moved on from her
because I haven't
and it will take time
and yes
sometimes...
it hurts.
But its no one's fault
really.

I don't deserve any one of them though...
He's the captured perfection of another era...
every woman's dream
a poet and a poem in himself.

She's perfection playing hide and seek
in your grasp a second
flowing out like sand the other
She's thunder
She's rain
She's the most exquisite pain...

And me?
Sigh...

Night time poetry

You came like a gust of wind,
A torrent of rain,
A sea of flowers
And I drowned
In your laughter
In your beauty
In your love.

At times like these,
When I sit alone
I think of you.
And I wonder
If you think of me too?

I loved you
With all I had
Until this heart ran dry.
And now
I can hear it cracking
But I don’t know
Why I cant cry.

You came like a drop of rain
To this parched soul
To this tired mind.
We laughed,
We loved,
We lived,
It ended.
I died.

You were like a song,
A poem,
A dream.
That I sang,
I wrote,
I lived.

But the dream changed,
I left
And I died.

This heart longs for you at times,
This soul screams out your name,
It’s an almost physical ache,
And I double over
With the pain
The emptiness.

And every night,
Not unlike tonight,
A little bit
I die…

onek din pore likhlam...

Moner maajhe eto koshto
Aar baire jogot ondhokar
Eto koshto lokai kothae?
Ei aadhare tomae khuje berai kothae?
Amar chokher joler rong laal
Kintu se tumi aar dekhle koi?
Tumi toh dekhte chaona kichu
Dekhle jodi bhul bhaange?

It’s been lonely since you left. Everyone goes back to someone at the end of the day, their boyfriend, their best friend, their family… someone who makes up their home and I can’t help but feel hollow… because you were mine.

Dipabali...

Moner moddhe ondhokaar hole
baire baati jele ki hobe?

Tissue papers and bills
scribbled on in black ink
a silver ring
a red necklace
a pair of silver anklets
thats all that remains

I try not to look at them
they remind me of your absence

I clutch onto them
They fill a fraction of that gaping hole in me
that used to be you

I eat
because I promised you
I would

The effort of downing every morsel
drains me

I stand over the toilet bowl
coughing
nauseous
dizzy

I gulp down the tears
becuase I promised you
I wouldnt cry
And I cant cry much on my own anyway

A few sounds escape though
and worry my mother
I give her stupid excuses
She pretends to believe me
or maybe she does believe me
I am a good actress

over-reacting... Am I?
Being a Drama Queen?
Showing my pain too much?

I dont care really
I cant be a hypocrite and smile
while I'm dying inside

You said you wanted me to heal
you said you wanted me to be happy
you said I deserved better

Is this what I deserve?
Is this happiness according to you?
Is waking up wishing I was dead
or
feeling that hole in me grow
a little bit more each day
while the rough edges bleed
called healing?

Nisshash phelatake beche thaaka bole na
eta amar cheye beshi tui bujhish