I am jealous... or hurt. I cant decide which... or maybe both? I tell myself I shouldnt be... that I should accept it the way it is. And over the last few years I have achieved tremendous amount of self control. But... it still hurts.

I cant talk about this anymore. I made certain decisions. I am responsible for them. People warned me. If I chose not to listen then I have no right to complain. Hence... I write vague blogs. Because I cant be too specific either.

I know I was different. I know I am still different. At a point I could easily reassure myself that this is a good thing. Now... I still can... but I dont know if I should any longer.

I know I shouldnt let all this affect me anymore. I shouldnt ask questions. But... pinpricks of pain... in my heart... that is starved.

I wish...

So I talked about my blog today... after a long time. And then I couldnt stay away. Even though I'm wasting precious time that should be spent reading The New York Trilogy. But ah well!

Hello Blog! How are you? I know I ignore you a lot! But dont worry... its not you... its me. I do this with anything where I pour my heart out. Sometimes with people too. Very rarely... But I do.

I havent slept three nights in a row. I am convinced I am getting fatter and my hair is thinner. At least if the world ended this year I wouldnt have to worry about my weight anymore! Or maybe I'll get killed faster because I wont be able to run quickly enough! That happens you know... watch zombie movies... you need to run man! But I shall not talk of zombies this late at night. I've already talked a lot about Talaash... I'll stop here.

You know how going through exams is like being pregnant? or maybe you dont. Its just me. But honestly I feel pregnant. The extra weight. The mood swings. The cravings. And the dreams! Oh God the dreams! I can run from everything( or maybe I cant: weight issues) but I cant run from my dreams! Ki Bizzare!

Blog, I wish you were like Dexter's computer, so that when I spoke to you, more like ranted to you, you could reply. I rant to the humans so much. I'm sure the humans are tired of me... they just dont say it thats all.

HIMYM is cool only! The last season got me all teary eyed. I have a feeling I'll end up like Ted, finding true love but getting none. Except I'll be female and fatter, and as Piu points out... an actress(touchwood) and not an architect, so I'll have terrible money issues too!

Ei I will go now! New York Trilogy ke porbe? Amar Blog?

Blog Mil Gaya

You wouldnt believe this. But for the longest time I couldnt sign into my own blog. Reason? I'd forgotten which id and password I was using for it! But Google has been kind and recovered my details using nothing but my phone number! Isnt internet getting more and more awesome everyday? Anyway... blog recovered... for the time being. Not that i use it much. I'm going through one of those phases where I dont blog at all... but its very comforting knowing that I can... whenever I choose to.

Its one of those nights. But then again why to announce that? I never write but when it is 'one of those nights'.
I'm so tired, physically, mentally and whichever way possible. Two exams! When was the last time I wrote two exams back to back? Probably back in Middle School. Then work-out. Then screaming because of the injustice being doled out to us by the honorable area Councillor. Then begging brother to let me use his computer after 12:30 because my Tata Photon isnt working. Then sitting behind brother and silently crying because its been 13 minutes and he pretends as if he cant hear me. Mundane things. Mundane Life. No lifting of depression. No weight loss. No condition of hair getting better. I should go jump off a roof right now. Spare myself. Spare people who know me. But till I gather up that courage I'm going to sit and jabber here.
What does it all mean? Can you trust anyone in the end? Stories you believed in for so long suddenly shatter one day. People who meant so much walk away. Then after a while try being really civil.Confuse you. But then you look at their DeePee and all the rage comes back. Because you realize they didnt just leave you. They stole from you as well.
So what do you do on nights like these? You sit on your brother's computer, write stupid blogs and cry.
I like sunshine and brownies. I want sunshine and brownies. But I cant have them. Forbidden thoughts. Must not be indulged in consciously. But the unconscious fights a losing battle every single night.And in the mornings there is nothing but confusion. What is real? The world I woke up from or the one I just woke into? I can certainly tell you which one I WANT to be real. I'm going to lose it someday. Become incapable of distinguishing between dreams and reality. Like Inception. Or Vanilla Sky?
I should have shouted. All those times I kept quiet. The load lessens that way. But understand this... If I'm crying its not because I'm weak but because the alternative is bashing your head in and I dont want to do that... But someday I probably will. And then your family members or mine for that matter can refer to this blog post and prove my guilt.
For the time being the future holds a test. Global Cultures.

My vein hurts, the one in the crook of my elbow on my right arm. The other day this man pushed a needle in to draw blood, except he kept pushing the needle around a little too much, making me emit various notes of the sa re ga ma. But of course I cant speak about this. I told my mother about it night before last, she screamed at me for not telling her earlier. Now if I tell you at 11 in the night that my vein hurts its not because I want you to call me a doctor right then, but maybe you could consult him in the morning? But no. I am fault because I spoke about it at 11 in the night. And tonight at 12:30 when it hurts again because my arm was in a folded position for a long time, I made a mistake of mentioning it again. What happens? My mother tells me she is not expected to remember such insignificant things because she has greater matters to deal with. Of course, she is a businesswoman, she's running the finances, I get it. But what happened to the mother bit? Tell me, when you go to either one of your parents to tell them that your vein hurts, would you expect them to tell you that they will call the doctor in the morning, or would you expect to be reminded how insignificant your hurting arm is in comparison to the greater good?

What follows is a theatrical performance. The losing of my exceedingly short temper, a lengthy monologue delivered by my mother accompanied by those salty drops, me shutting my bedroom door and realizing my throat hurts and I believe the name calling is still on from the other side.

This is the moment I take a pause. Coz honestly, I dont know why I'm writing this. Is it because Piu's phone is busy and I need to let this out? Is it because I cant stand writing a personal diary and would rather write it here, in the open? Is it because I like writing in general? or is it because, as someone once said, I use my blogs to gain sympathy?

I dont know.

My mother just said a lot of things. She said she'd rather not have a daughter like me. She said she hates me. She said I'm a two faced bitch who is sucking her dry like I did with my father.

I said a lot of things too. I said she should have aborted me instead. I said I dont love her either thankyouverymuch. I said if it hadnt been for their stupid last minute decision changes, I wouldnt have been trapped here in the first place.

I just needed to let it out you know.

I dont have the emotional range of a teaspoon like Ron. But even a person with a big fat handi for an emotional range bubbles over sometimes. What with being a bad daughter and sucking my father's lifeblood out of him and now doing the same with my mother, friendships I had made my peace with a long time ago turning out to be the wrong choice after all, a three year old friend who's almost like my sister deciding our friendship was worth giving up for a three month old friendship. There's a lot there. Plus there's the constant feeling that the world is coming to an end, and no I'm not talking about 2012 and all, I'm just talking about my anxiety attacks. There's the constant fear of 'aamra shobai raaja'( ppl involved in Arup Ratan will understand this), and the haunting sense of loneliness. Questions as to whether I am mad or the world is.

Sylvia Plath said 'because you never know when the bell jar descends', but I'm telling you, the bell jar never ascended in the first place, it was always there, separating me from the world with a sheet of glass, with its limited supply of oxygen that I have used again and again and again, until I feel the very air I breathe in is suffocating me.

Loss

Losing everything you've written over the last 2 to 3 years feels like losing a child. I feel so empty right now... like a mother who's just suffered a miscarriage tending to her empty womb. Its like, a part of me is gone... forever.

Thoughts of an Insomniac

Its 4:36 am in the morning, I have to be out of bed by 8:30 and in the University by 11. Now if you were in my shoes wouldn't you have been in bed already for like... 4 hours? But what do I do? I sit here writing blogs. I'm not even sure of what I'm writing right now really. There's no coherence in my head. I fight really hard to keep some things under a lid, but at times they escape, and the timing is always perfect! I feel angry right now! Angry for having indulged in intense conversations and dwelt on things I should have been ignoring! I mean honestly! is this the time? I'm going to be late tomorrow morning, because I will miss my alarm, then I will suffer from anxiety because I'm late and finally totter into class drunk from lack of sleep! Such a pretty picture! I should just kill myself!

I'd like to make something clear. I hate the milk producing mammal and I hate the hairy ape she dated! I dont care if my hatred is based on someone else's lies, all I know is it is too potent and I cant even begin reasoning with myself when it comes to this. Emotions arent things that go out of your system like potty, and hate is a very powerful emotion. Maybe I'm incredibly stupid because I dont believe in theories like realize what actually happened and move on and be indifferent to all of it, but its who I am. As an individual I have certain ways and methods and defense mechanisms of dealing with things.

Strength isnt always in fighting back. It requires an enormous amount of strength to keep everything inside as well. And as evil and stupid some people are, no one escapes karma. You build relationships on someone else's tears, those relationships break. You manipulate someone because you know they love you, you end up deprived of love as well.

Go ahead and live in an imaginary world where I wronged you and you were just unfortunate to come across someone who turned out just like the rest and betrayed you too. But surely even you must have some part of yourself telling you that it knows the truth!

Just to be sure no one is in any doubt anymore... I repeat... The girl I used to know died a long time ago... the monster that took its place I heartily despise!

Good Night!