'PREFACE' to a story I never wrote...

There was no Earth and no sky, only interminable darkness stretching on ahead of me for eternity, and I was steadily walking into it.She kept calling me, begging me to stop, her voice breaking with pain and desperation, but I walked on. The darkness came closer with each step and the voice grew faint.My heart was breaking into a thousand tiny bits. I wanted nothing more than to turn around and go back to her, but I knew that I must not.I must walk on and embrace the darkness. Every fiber of me cried out in protest; my vision was blinded with tears and my feet grew heavy.I realized I could not do it; I realized that in walking away from her I was walking away from my life.I stopped and turned around....

I woke up with tears in my eyes and her name on my lips.For a while I could not understand what had happened... where was she? Then I slowly looked around the room; at the crumpled sheets, at the naked body of the man lying beside me. I laid back on the pillow, a flimsy blanket provided by the hotel covering my nudity, as the events of the previous night came tumbling back.

There is often a very thin line between agony and ecstasy; perhaps only a difference of perspective.As I lay there then, I wasn't sure of what I felt.Agony for what I had done last night, or ecstasy for having proved my point; agony for what I had done to myself, or ecstasy for what I had done to her. A tear slid down the corner of my eye. 'Forgive me', I murmured, 'perhaps it wasn't meant to be'....

The one song that says everything I felt that night....

Iris, Goo Goo Dolls....

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you'll feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Getting Back

Everyone comes across a phase in their life when so much is happening around you that all you want to do is escape. It happened to me too, but I was lucky enough that someone actually gave me a chance to disappear for a week and leave everything behind. It felt like someone had turned the volume on the stereo down and everything was fading away in the background, the only reality that remained was the dream I was escaping into. So I let go of all pain, all qualms, irritating relatives and infuriating rules and rituals and took his hand and went away. Not everyone gets a chance like I did, I lived my fairytale week, felt my heart swell with love, felt the sunshine and indulged in an emotion that I thought I would never feel again. I guess a part of me was always aware that it would end, that I would have to come back and take charge of my mundane everyday life again, but I was too happy to pay attention to pending reality.

The week passed, my dream ended, and there I was, once again on the threshold of my bedroom. And for the first time in my life, I was not glad at the sight of it. Instead it felt so stifling. I wanted to rewind time and go back to Delhi again. I didn't want to be alone anymore, I wanted that week to last forever.Getting back had never been so difficult. I know wishful thinking gives no results, but I don't feel I have the strength to handle reality right now. I'll cling on to my memories, I'll live in my cocoon, I'll survive on those conversations we had, I'll smile to myself remembering the time we spent together. Don't ask me to open my eyes, don't ask me to stop feeling what I feel, for emotions never had a 'stop' button. I willingly drank from the poisoned chalice, and I'll have to suffer this exquisite agony.

A Poem of Love

You talk of the beauty of unrequited love,
and hold my gaze with those seductive eyes..
burning me, scorching me
'Stop', I cry, 'not again'!
But its too late
I'm already in love.

Plunged into a sea of agony and ecstasy,
nothing to hold onto except uncertainty,
burning in the heat of your voice..
drowning in the black of your hair..
'Stop', I cry, 'not again'!
But its too late
I'm already in love.

What magic did you work?
that altered me so much!
I feel myself shiver
even without your touch.
I feel like reaching out
and I feel like holding back,
the intensity heightens...
my heart, 'tis poisoned,
'Not again...please!'
But I'm already in love....

21st October, 2009

I guess a part of me knew that this was going to happen one day or another. But I tend to be an escapist when I find real life too tough to deal with. So I kept telling myself that there's time, until time finally ran out. I spent my bday 4 days ago, it was a really happy affair, and I was still in that content mood, and then suddenly everything went wrong. I was climbing the steps that would lead me out of Rabindra Sarobar metro, when the phone call came. And I immediately rushed downstairs and took the opposite metro back to Belgachia. Even on my way home I kept telling myself that it was'nt true, that I was going to enter my home and my mom would tell me that it was a false alarm. But I reached home only to have my world collapse around me.

For at least an hour and a half I didnt have the strength to do anything, but then that stifling feeling set in and all I wanted to do was talk to someone, someone who would understand how I felt. Thats when I let my friends know, so that even if one or two of them decided to come over, I'd get company for a while. I asked for one or two but 9 of them turned up, and for a while I escaped into this make believe cocoon where everything felt normal again. For after they left, once more I was left alone. Hours and hours of sitting and staring ahead of me, seeking answers but ending up with more questions. I feel tired to the bone but I cannot sleep. There's this feeling that I cannot explain. It feels like there's a dead weight on my chest that wont let me breathe. It feels like something is gnawing away at my chest. I feel the tears, but it never reaches my eyes, instead it dies in my throat and I'm left with a moan escaping my lips. I look back at previous incidents when I felt like no more could possibly go wrong with me, no more dreams would be taken away from me, no more pain would be inflicted on me, and feel like laughing. I've often lived under false pretences in order to protect myself from misery. But I've accepted one truth today, that mine is not a life of big smiles and happy memories. I've always scoffed at superstitions, but I no longer scoff at a certain one, the one that says that people born on a new moon night lead cursed lives.

Pain and Pleasure

I take ages to settle down into this coma like state where i can switch everything out of tune and carry on with my life in blissful ignorance....and then BANG! i spend a fabulous day which literally displaces my center of gravity.... makes me 'take off my shoes'.....and everything comes back to sharp focus...for ppl who understand wat i mean...dont get me wrong...its not like i dont want these kinda days....its just that...it has its pros and cons....pros include a smile which is pasted on my face for quite some time now...the strong urge to sing.....and excessive daydreaming!!and cons include...as i said before...becoming more sensitive to everything around me once again..meaning tht while the happiness is such tht sometimes i feel i'll burst with it...the pain..when it hits...is equally unbearable....these past two years have been pretty challenging...i lost a lot more than i gained...and things were snatched away from me at a point when i could almost taste it.... and it dosent help if a part of these past two years is strutting about my university in a string of pearls!!! because underneath all those layers of hatred....disgust and a maddening desire to kill..there's still a wound that hasnt healed....and i still cant decide whether i've emerged more vulnerable or invulnerable from all of it....problem is...when everything is in sharper focus...things tend to repeat themselves inside my head...and even simple everyday matters start making me feel guilty....and then there's this feeling in the pit of my stomach which makes me abandon Rimi Di's assignment and write this blog...even though i'm not even halfway through my work!!! so its really difficult to figure out what i want... the numb reverie where i pretty much dont feel anything...or this insane happiness with an equal dose of pain(when it comes).... perhaps...if only the reason for this mad elation was a part of my life and not only something i can observe from a distance....things would have been different.....

To Aphrodite

The first time you left, I hardly felt it. But now tht ur back and leaving again, somehow I cant handle it. I've been really down for quite some time now and I havent been able to figure out why, but I think i just realized it. We met on Shashti and had an amazing time together, but then I said bye and this sinking feeling set in. But still, I thought I'd get to spend another day with you before u leave, but now I'm not even getting tht. Dont get me wrong, I'm not complaining here, I'm just expressing myself.And maybe if I write this note then I'll finally stop crying!(or maybe not...). I know its the pujas and u have to meet a lot of people in a really short time span, but I really wish we had a day together before u left, just the two of us. Ever since class 8 u've been there for me always. We had our share of rough patches, but unlike other relations, the gap didnt alter our friendship at all, it grew stronger every single day, and still does. I'm glad tht I have at least one relation tht time never alters...but ripens! Thank u for everything Aphrodite... for being there for me every time I fell down and for helping me get back up on my feet again.For laughing with me and crying with me...and listening to every tiny thing tht i had to say and solving my problems(over the phone),even in another city. For understanding me or at least trying to understand me while others took a narrow minded approach. For encouraging me in everything tht I'm good at and giving me a rib cracking hug everytime I brought a medal back! For making me feel so loved and important. Its a pretty tough life...what with ppl who u trust constantly backstabbing u and ur dreams being taken away from u when u can almost taste them! But it would have been so much worse without my fairy godmother...my best friend...my sister...my mother...my daughter.... without u...

With love,
Dipabali.