Happy Blog! Yay! :)

So I am a very materialistic person, your average capitalist teenager to whom money=security, but at the end of the day its the little things in life that make me happy, like a sudden message from you at 11 in the night asking how I am or a walk to the metro with you by my side :) Its a little unfair actually, the amount of power you have over me! One message from you is enough to make me smile for the next 24 hours at least! Do you know I bumped into a rickshaw today outside Belgachia Metro because I was lost in my thoughts and smiling to myself? This is insane! Honestly! but what the heck... it keeps me happy! My friends are worried about my condition, like seriously worried! Some of them are convincing me that its only a crush and I'll get over it and some people are thinking about who I will share all this madness with in my postgraduate time if I stay back at J.U and they go away. But I dont want to stay back, I want to go abroad for my postgraduate at least! =s... and even if I do stay, I know for a fact that you wont, in fact weren't you talking of going away during your undergraduate course itself? But no! I'm not going to think of all this, these are scary prospects, you leaving, me leaving, not good! I better just focus on the present right now, I'll deal with all the above mentioned things when the happen! Otherwise my happy happy mood will be replaced by 'brooding about future thingies mood', which is not good.

You know something? time just flies by when I'm with you! Its not fair! It all gets over too quickly! But then again... it might just be me being greedy.... cant help it! human nature I guess! There's always so much I think I'll tell you when we're together, but I don't even get the time to tell you half the things when we do talk! I call you sometimes, but then somehow something will always happen mid conversation and you will go, and then we never finish the conversation we leave hanging in the air. But the concluding point being that you have the power to make me euphoric as well as depressed... which is not a good thing. If it was in my hands I wouldn't give you so much of a hold over me, but its not... so I guess I'll just have to deal with it. Like today for example, I am so happy that I'm sitting at 3 in the night and writing this blog even though I'm practically falling asleep writing this!

Well... that was less of a blog entry and more of a one sided blabbering! But that's what my blog is all about, I write what I feel. So this is what I felt today, I know its probably my silliest blog ever, but its close to my heart! :) I'm sorry if the last blog made you feel bad... it wasn't meant to... I was just venting my frustration, that's it. Hope this one makes you happy! I definitely felt happy writing it! yay! :)

P.S: Thank you, for everything!

The S9 story....

So if you're a J.Uite you definitely know what I mean, and if you're not, then I'm referring to the state bus which leaves from karunamoyee and takes you to 8b bus stand, and vice versa. Now there are many classifications when it comes to this bus, there's the goth one, the middle one and the new one. The S9 is a very important part of my life, its almost like a second home actually, because I spend 10 hours a week in it. So when I reach the depot and dont find my favorite kind of bus waiting, it really pisses me off! First of all there's the goth bus: the oldest of the S9 army, there are two kinds of this actually, the first one has horizontally sliding windows, smaller seats, a smaller passageway between the seats and a slightly narrower door frame with no door, it also has dim yellow lights and the front seats are often elevated. And the second one has larger seats, a wider door frame with no door, a broader passageway between the two seats and vertically sliding windows, the rest of the features are the same. I am the happiest when I manage to get onto one of these buses! The dark interiors in the morning that dont let in too much sunshine and the wind whipping against your face! Its just beautiful! If I'm with someone (mostly its either Disha or Mrinalini), we have loud conversations( rather scandalizing ones at that!) which makes heads turn! and if I'm alone I stuff my earphones into my ears, turn on my ipod, listen to demented romantic music and let my thoughts loose... They're not necessarily happy thoughts all the time, sometimes when I'm depressed I think of weird things!But mostly you'll find me sitting beside the window, looking out, with a shy smile and a dreamy expression. The perfect music and the perfect bus can do wonders for your morning mood... believe me! And when its evening and I'm returning home its even more brilliant! Its all dark and the seats are really tall, so its kinda a really private bus. After a tiring day if I'm with Minu we just cuddle upto each other and have gooey, critical and scandalizing conversations! Laugh a little, eat a little and then worry abt the amount of junk food we're eating! aahh... what a life! And if I'm alone I just dive into demented romantic music and my thoughts again! But then some-days I come to the depot and find the new ones or the semi new ones waiting.. and my heart sinks! the new ones have terribly large windows, so if you're travelling in the morning there is too much sunshine! and if you're traveling in the evening they put on those those horrible tube lights! and the semi new ones are like hybrids of the two! It disturbs your train of thought! provides no intimacy whatsoever if you're traveling with a friend! its just Blah! If we had to have new S9's why couldn't they be designed like the red volvos? they're so gorgeous! with the steps and everything! I know for a fact that there are ST6's which are designed like that! Then why not the S9's? :(

Why?

So up until a few days ago I could still confidently say,"Nothing affects me anymore", but unfortunately I found something that does, and pretty badly at that too. If I look at the situation logically then I know precisely what to do, but the problem being that the heart is not a rational thing. I swear to God when someone coined the word 'tragedy', they must have thought of me! It never ends, the streams of mishaps! I mean fine! it might be 'character building' stuff! but there's a limit! I'm bloody only 19 years of age, and I feel like I've already had a lifetime's worth of things to deal with! Even things that initially keep you happy somehow or the other twist itself in a manner that in the end it becomes a source of pain. I'm sick and tires of feeling like I'm being stabbed with a pin constantly! I never asked too much of you, did I? Didnt we agree that we'd be normal? Didnt u say a string of things that night? Were they just words? can you make me feel good only over the phone? I dont say return my feelings, but at least be normal with me! I miss you, miss what we use to have. The wordplay, the informative conversations, the feeling of warmth whenever you were around. When did it end? and why did it have to end? The five minutes every Tuesday that used to be packed with conversation is suddenly filled with awkward silences and cold behavior. The warmth in your eyes, our friendship, its all gone, and yet you ask me why I'm pissed with you. I wish you'd understand that I'm not pissed, I just miss your company... miss your affection... miss the brainstorming. I know you asked me to tell you whenever the pain gets too much to handle, but how do I say something so big to a person with whom even small talks are hard to come by these days? You're the same towards everyone else, its only me who gets the aloof treatment. And I like a fool yearn to see you when you're not around, and end up crying the entire night when I do come across you. Tell me what to do? tell me how to kill my feelings? When I came across you after four years of what used to be, I was happy for I thought I'd finally found a man who understood, if not reciprocated. But I dont know why, it seems like the understanding lasted only that one night, or rather it lasts only over the phone, you have your way with words and you end up convincing me that things will be different now, but then when I come across you, its just the same....

Thoughts of an Insomniac....

So there was this time when I used to be a pretty sensitive character, I used to feel hurt when something bad happened with me or when things went downhill with a close friend, but sometime during last year I realized that I'd crossed my limit. So I got up one morning and told myself I wont suffer anymore, wont shed any more tears and wont let anything affect me. After that I just plunged headlong into work, put in extra effort for TOEFL, stayed back at Chopra's for entire days in order to attain perfection, in short I overworked myself so much that my friends feared it would affect my health. But work is like therapy for me really, its how I escape from all the unpleasant things. At that point of time I kept telling myself that nothing mattered more than UK, that I'd get into a good university and leave India and let all my bad experiences stay behind. It was my personal silver lining.I still remember how happy I was the day when school ended once and for all. Though at that point I was so numb that I was incapable of feeling anything. Everything was working fine for me. My TOEFL results were highly satisfactory, I'd got conditional acceptances from four top universities and I was working hard for ISC. But when has happiness ever lasted in my life? Just after exams got over we made this trip to Hyderabad, where I learned my dad was terminally ill. I still remember the way it was broken to me, my cousin told me this fact, and then immediately followed it with this lecture of how I had to think of everyone in such a situation and I couldnt be selfish and yada yada yada... which basically boiled down to the fact that he thought I should give UK up. Anybody who knows me, and I mean REALLY knows me would never have asked that of me. My tears that night were for dad and for UK. You think I'm selfish? well you're welcome to your own interpretations, but for me giving up on my most cherished childhood dream, that too after I had worked on it ever since class 9 wasn't that easy. I still say that if only the matter was handled differently, if only my family had only asked me if I was ready to give it up, and not forced its decision on me, I would have felt differently about it. I mean I knew that the expenses for dad's treatment would be too much for my mom to send me to UK, but if only they had asked me,"Are you ready to stay back and study here?" , instead of telling me,"There's nothing to do, start looking at Kolkata colleges", things would have been way more different. When my results were out it didnt even matter to me anymore, I had the perfect percentage, it was just what the universities had asked for, all I had to do was mail them a copy of my marksheet and I'd be given a place at Leeds, York, Edinburgh and Wales, but how did it matter anymore? The last date for submission of the marksheet went by, Leeds even called me asking why I hadn't emailed them yet, but with a heavy heart I had to let it all go. After that I went into this coma like state, I used to roam the entire city submitting college forms all day and then come and shut myself up in my room. I know what was expected out of me at that time, tears, lamentation for dad's condition etc etc, but all I could give was the numb reaction. Everyone pointed a finger at me, said I had a heart of stone, but did anyone realize that perhaps the heart had just had too much to bear and could not take it any longer? Everyone saw the lack of tears, but did anyone see the pain in those dry eyes? UK was not only a study destination for me, it was my escape from a lot of things, and when I lost that escape and realized I'll have to stay right here, with all the memories and the people( whom I was bumping into in every college), I just slipped into depression. Whenever the tears came I pushed them back down and told myself I'd indulge in the luxury of tears later, but I did this so much that there came a time when I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. Crying is a rare phenomenon these days, once in a million nights there comes a night when I lose control, when I feel pain, when a few drops escape my eyes. So why am I writing all this now? when I've kept it inside me for so long? because tonight happens to be one of those nights... I know I should be grateful that I'm studying in JUDE, and I am, its the best deal I could have got in Kolkata, but that does not mean that I dont miss what could have been, and it would have been a hundred times better! There are times when I feel stifled, frustrated. Its true that I got a lot of compensations for staying back, The debating society, Sreejata, the return of my 'lotus' and the 'Idiot Boy', but even then, in a corner of my heart, the embers from the dream that was UK still burns....

I really miss dad sometimes, though my relatives think I positively cant, but I dont regret anything. Because my dad and I, we were two very different individuals, and if given a second chance I know for a fact that nothing would have been different. He'd still be comparing me to my friends who took up commerce, we'd still be fighting over my choice of subjects for studying in UK( English and History),and I'd still be scolding him for his bad habits. But that does not mean that I didnt love him, I did, but in my own way, and when he went away, he left this big hole in my life that no one else can fill. I know writing this blog wont make my mom stop telling me that I was responsible for my father's death whenever we fight, but I really dont care. If he is watching over me today, then he knows the truth, he knows how I feel, and thats all that matters.

Dreamer

This poem is very special to me, I've been meaning to put this up for ages now. I composed this in class 9 for the poetry event in Chairos Quiro(Qms fest)under the time limit of an hour and it got me the bronze medal! Enjoy....

You may say that I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one.
You may say that I'm a thinker,
but I'm not the only one.
Look around me and you will find-
thousands of others
all starry eyed,
nurturing hopes and dreams in their minds,
unaware and unaffected
by the complexities of life.

You say that I have no touch with reality,
You say that I have lost my mind.
But look around you,
can't you see?
so many, so alike?

You say I'm not an earthly being,
you say my mind flies high in the sky,
In your eyes
a prisoner am I,
because I choose to dream,
because I choose to let my spirit and mind fly,
but why do I bear your glance alone?
Can't you see the others cry?

Can't you hear them crying out,
Their voices filled with anguish and despair?
They want to leave behind earthly boundaries,
they want to dream,
they want to dare.

Then why just point a finger at me?
Why alone label me a dreamer?
look around you
there are thousands here
who want to follow my lead.
Are you blind?
Can't you see them,
the dreamers of the society?
They are crying out today
to tell you that I'm not alone,
and the title of a dreamer
by all of them shall be borne.

You may say that I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one.
You may say that I'm a thinker,
but I'm not the only one.
Look around me and you will find-
thousands of others
all starry eyed,
nurturing hopes and dreams in their minds,
unaware and unaffected
by the complexities of life.

A few lines composed (suddenly!) while revising Emma...

Perhaps none of it was intentional,
the talks
the looks
the laughing
and the nudging,
but the way it all fell into place
coupled with the isolation,
it just felt like
it was meant to be...

No... it wasn't your fault
and it certainly wasn't mine.
Fate's conspiracy perhaps
that threw us together
to see what we would make out of it.
One fell for the trap
the other walked away.

But i wouldn't give this up for the world,
the blushes
the smiles
the unconditional joy...
the way I relate every single love song
to that one memorable week...

No... it wasn't your fault
and it certainly wasn't mine,
and maybe...
we're not meant to have an end together,
but for me
the 'journey' mattered more.

Because I simply love this song!

A thousand desires such as these
A thousand moments to set this night on fire
Reach out and you can touch them
You can touch them with your silences
You can reach them with your lust
Rivers mountains rain
Rain against a torrid hill’s cape
A thousand
A thousand desires such as these

I loved rain as a child
As a lost young man
Empty landscapes
Bleached by a tired sun
And then
And then suddenly it came
Like a dark unknown woman
Her eyes scorched my silences
Her body wrapped itself around me
Like a summer without end

Pause me, hold me, reach me
Where no man has gone
Crossing the seven seas
With the wings of fire
I fly towards nowhere
And you
Rivers mountains rain
Rain against a scorched landscape of pain